May '24 Reading Round Up

 

Seems like I ignited a fire crackin' hullabaloo over at League of Comic Geeks when I commented on the 4th issue of Ultimate Spidey. I have my own blurb of a review below but I basically said that the entire issue was a fucking waste of time and bored me to tears. Hickman had zero panels of Spidey actual being Spidey. No, Peter Parker at a double dinner date with MJ, Harry and Gwen looking like a Mormon does not count as Spidey panels. They did their homage to a bad acting class scene for Issue 4 and Issue 5 is pegged as a Backstory Bingo for Harry because Marco, their amazing Artist, was unavailable after the first 3 issues. Which means, they had a hiatus, yet rather than take the time off they shoved these two useless issues down our throats and collected their 2 months of comic dollar butter for their coffers.

The Geeks got upset, 'It's Character Development!' they cried. 'Aww, you should just play with your Action Figures if all you want is action' they sneered. Look, an Artist is just as integral if not more when it comes to a Comic. You just can't swap someone out like they're a drummer in an 80s Metal Band and think it'll be a seamless transition. Hickman obviously knows this since he all but halted the main narrative and veered off into a Dinner Party and a Backstory far far from the ongoing action. So this basically comes down to Marvisney being greedy and not being okay with having a gap in their publishing schedule. Eff you Marvisney. May your Stock crater and your Market Cap crumble.

It's such a shame because the first 3 issues were really enjoyable. It's like you've gone out with a beautifully intelligent babe for 3 dates and then for no reason you're forced to date her Blob of a roommate who looks like the female lead in Baby Reindeer. She shows up to your first of two dates dressed like she just came from a 2024 college protest and it's scared little turtle time in your boxer briefs. Yeah, I turned off that Baby Reindeer series when the Psycho Ogre confronted the male lead in a dimly lit street late at night angry about not getting the anal that the guy promised she'd be getting.

 

Anyway, here's what else I got into this month: 

 

Ram V is an auto-fuckin-matic pull these days. I see his name on anything I’m grabbing that sucka. Well, except for Detective Comics. I tried. It was brutal. I blame DC. For some reason there’s been a controlled demolition on the cheaper Batman titles; they’ve been awful. Unreadable. The pricey Bat Stuff has been consistently great. So clearly DC’s strategy is let’s make them have to get the pricey Bat stuff and then make them have to buy the cheap wack AF Bat stuff with the top shelf writers in Zdarsky and Rammy. They’ll hate the cheap shit but still buy it because they have faith in the writers. They’ll always buy the pricey shit because they know it’ll be waaay better than the cheap shit. Well, you got me on the pricey shit but I ain’t buying your Pabst Blue Ribbon Store Brand Bats. Anyway, Rammy get’s an automatic pull. Except, well, I’m not really a fan of the, what is it called, ‘The Mech’ genre? I get that a lot of geeks geek the fuck out over this type of material, but not me. So, while I can appreciate that Dawnrunner is probably good and would probably tickle my Mech Prostate if I was into Mech, the fact of the matter is that I’m not. Like, I think ‘Transformers’ stuff is goofy AF; even when I was a kid. So I grabbed an ish outta respect for the Rammy, but yeah, this type of stuff is a snoozer for me. On to the next V.

 

 

 

King, listen to me, you have the makings of what very well could be one of the greatest stories to ever hit the comic book world in decades. I’m not saying that it will be, I’m saying it could be. You have a great set-up, a perfectly crafted world with three very distinct and strong lead characters. You have an Artist, in Bilquis Evely, who is drawing out of her mind and blistering these pages with her line work. And, from what I can tell, you have a publisher in Dark Horse who won’t call you into an Editor’s meeting and force you to put on fetish gear and demand naughty things from you as you agree to destroy your story (looking at you DC). I hope Helen of Wyndhorn isn’t a limited series. I hope you take the time to explore this world and build it out into something extraordinary. Between this, Dubz and Love Everlasting you have become the Aaron Judge of comics and are absolutely blistering these story balls into the upper decks.

 

 

 

I cannot recommend Rare Flavours enough, what an absolutely wonderful tale by Ram V that is beautifully drawn by ARTIST. I mean, what genre is this comic? Next Level? You Wish You Could? Maybe Ram V should start his own publishing company and call it The Grand One in response to DC and Marvisney being call the Big 2, or the Big Poo as I like to call them. The mastery in this specific issue is that nothing earth shattering happens as it draws to its conclusion. Rather, it is a delicate reveal of all the characters, their motives and vulnerabilities. It’s been a privilege reading this and I’ll be sad to see it end. I can only hope that this partnership continues and that they bless future solicits with their work for years to come.

 

 

 

 

 

An absolute ballsy IDGAF issue by Hickman and Marvisney. In a book called Spider-Man they don’t have one single fucking panel of Spider-Man. Nor do they have one single panel of the Iron Goblin they call the Green Goblin. Instead all we get is boring AF dinner convo between Peter, MJ, Harry and Gwen Stacy who is his GF in this Universe. Gwen comes off as a pretentious mind numbing corporate dillweed who hates oral and wears the lady pants in the relationship. The entire conversation could take the place of your Ambien if you run out. They drone on about PR Firms and the crazy world beyond the $150 sashimi plates they’re dining on. A new Artist for this issue leads me to believe it’s a pseudo-hiatus issue that Hickman just pooped out to satisfy his Satanic Overlords since there’s no such thing as a month off when your stock price is currently plummeting. What a load of crap. All of the feels from the first 3 issues just went out the window and I’m looking at the solicits to figure out if it’s time to eliminate the only Marvisney title currently in my pull.

 

 

 

Okay, they need to lock up Robert De La Torre and Jim Zub in the first ever multi-million dollar comic book contract so these two do nothing else but write Conan for the next 10 years. They have already mastered the are of writing and illustrating a Conan book and I can’t see how anybody will ever come close to duplicating their deft approach. When you see a creative team that clearly loves a character and the world they inhabit it just makes you wish for the same treatment for other great characters that are currently getting abused by their current creative teams (ahem, looking at you Big Poo) There’s not a lot of absolutes when it comes to comic books. Some are 1. Matt Fraction will walk away from a series in the middle 2. Jeff Lemire will write some weird shit, and now 3. Jim Zub & Robert De la Torre will Crush a Conan Comic. Make Mine Titan!

 

 

 

 

After a mind boggling WTF Issue 7 where Dubz and Supes head to an Alien Planet to shop for Bats (which clearly had a deeper meaning and was probably a power play btwn King & DC) King came back to the main story with another powerhouse issue that culminated with a heroic finale/cliffhanger. Couple things 1. The Sovereign is giving ‘The Simpsons Mr. Burns’ vibes and I think at any moment he’s just going to say ‘Excellllent 2. No way Dubz is a bad cook. Maybe she’s not a Pot Roast/Breakfast kinda cook. I see her as a casserole/wok/smoothie/Acai bowl kinda gal. Sampere’s art is f&%#ing gorgeous and this is by far the best Dubz run in over a decade.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh, will Monstress ever end?? Yes their landmark 50th issue was quite good and got their main plot and characters back on track to something substantive with high stakes, yet as I pored over the first few pages I immediately flipped towards the end. It’s just more and more bombast, war strategy, covert alliances and dramatic entrances and exits. I’ve kinda forgotten which anthropomorphic character is whom, there’s sharks and tigers and foxes, oh my, oy vey. let’s not forget that the recap at the beginning of the comic references Intergalactic Warrior Cats. With no end in sight from the solicits it looks like Sana Takeda’s gorgeous art is going to keep us hooked to a relationship that probably should’ve ended months ago. So basically Monstress is like dating a Super Model/Actress who says she’s handling her issues by going to therapy yet still gets drunk on weeknights and comes over to your place to do a lot of dramatic entrances and exits. We're at that point where you're going to bars every night and complaining to friends and strangers about your relationship. They tell you to walk away and you agree with them but the next morning you're back reading about Intergalactic Warrior Cats working at a Cat Cafe to make ends meet.

 

 

 

That's it! Looking forward to getting around to reading Ultimate Spidey #5 so I can go back on LOCG and tell everyone what an absolute piece of swill it is, because I'm sure it will be. Backstory Issue Bingo Bongo's need to end. Unless you're Saga. Saga can do 3 years of back stories and I'd be fine with it.

Happy Reading!

PENTHOUSE #2 - Review

 

Penthouse is baby got back for some more big phat ass stories! First, that is one juicy beefsteak tomato on the cover although, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a fan of the tats. I think Bel Biv Devoe’s iconic song ‘Poison’ should be updated and the lyric changed to: ‘Never trust a Big Butt and a Tattoo Sleeve’.  Generally speaking, the more tats you got the more trauma you’ve endured and the more pain you get off on; at least that’s what Freud basically says about tats. This Blonde on the cover wants nothing to do with you comic geeks out there unless you’re rolling in Crypto Cash and can sweep her away to Tulum with 25k and a mound of coke. That said, nothing wrong with a plump tucchus to start your comic book reading in the morning.

 

The first page of this second installment mentions that their first issue sold 30,000 copies, wow! That sounds like a lot. That also tracks with the approach of selling to horny lonely comic dudes, ‘Hey buy this $10 ‘comic book’ that just happens to have a bunch of naked babes in it.’. Despite the copious amounts of tits and ass, the first issue was pretty fucking awful as far as the stories went. Yet the format was sound and if they could fix the content it had immense potential, so I begrudgingly dropped another 10 spot on this offering. It was like going out on a second date with a brain dead hottie, maybe you’ll get some, maybe her dumb girl antics are just an act and she’s really intelligent and insightful, or maybe she’ll bang the bus boy and the valet in the bathroom while you’re waiting for the chocolate lava cake to arrive.

 

 

 

 

To their credit, Penthouse apologized for their typos and messy first issue and promised even better stories going forward. They even added a fifth story to this issue compared to just four for the previous one. Maybe they just threw this thing together for shits and giggles and were shocked it sold so many issues and now they realize they have a golden goose butt on their face so they’re making sure it’s legit. Anyway, let’s breakdown the parts of this Ass Parade.

 

The Dead All Have the Same Skin – A large chiseled bouncer who is Black but looks white works a club where there’s a gambling room on the second floor and, I think a brothel on the third floor? There’s also a room with drawn curtains for fetish shit on the second? And, umm, plot? Can I get one? I’m not sure what the conflict is here or why I should care about anybody. It was set-up that this dude is Black, but looks white, and – so what? Is that a key part of your story? All I get is, some Bright Skinned Black Dude breaks up a fight and then bangs a ho in the backseat of his car. Whoop de fucking do. This is the last panel of the story:

 

 

 

 

This is what the Editors of Marvisney look like after they get off the phone with whomever is writing their comics for them. They’re literally jizzing over how genius they think their notes and suggestions are despite the fact that their comics are all but unreadable. My goodness, how many more installments of this do I have to bite the palm of my hand through??? Seriously, are these new comics or did they dust them off from years ago and throw them into this anthology? I never read Penthouse, was this how the comics were, these stories are fucking brutal. Oy vey. Not a good start. This was definitely not foreplay, rather a knee to the nuts.

 

 

 I Spit on Your Grave - I vaguely remember what the hell this story was about. Some blonde hunk dude goes to a small town, meets up with some hot young people, they jump in a lake all naked, he bangs the hot girls and then I dunno, I didn’t give a shit so I forgot. Now he’s at the lake, some rich dude shows up, now he’s at a rich party in a tux and he wants to bang the rich girls in the fancy dresses. Everyone leaves and as he’s carrying one of the rich chicks into a house where there’s an after party, she pukes. Maybe it was from drinking too much, maybe it was from realizing she’s in an awful comic anthology that only sold because of a juicy tucchus on the cover. 

 

 

It may seem like I’m oversimplifying the story but honestly, I can’t make heads or tales of what the fucking plot is other than waiting for the blonde hunk to plow some poon chowder. From the looks of it, seems like the creators are all foreign, did this get lost in translation. Maybe it’s a genius piece of literature and some comic geek at Penthouse hopped up on Mountain Dew, cocaine and surrounded by porn is making some awful decisions in deciphering the story.

 

This story should have been renamed I Spit on Your $10 Tucchus Comix.

 

 

Miss October – I still have no idea what the fuck is going on in this story. It looks great, although so many of the characters appear to be too similar so I lose track of who’s who and what the hell they want. Somebody’s murdering Playmates and taking pictures of them after. Seems a bit dark considering Penthouse was the Bunny’s main comp for so many years but whatever. There’s also this hot Blonde rich girl who’s now a Cat Burglar stealing jewelry and fencing it. I don’t know how this connects to the main plot but since there doesn’t seem to be one maybe it doesn’t matter. There’s lots of handwritten notes and cool 60s LA scenery. There’s some nice au natural 60s sex with corsets and the like. It’s basically a glorified Mad Men meets Chinatown kinda vibe. 

 

It’s all very pretty to look at but confusing as hell. I get enough of that walking around La La Land these days. This is just part two of eight? Oy vey. It’s supposedly not coming back until October, maybe by then it’ll – oh who am I kidding, it’ll still be pretty and a head scratcher. Just cancel the remaining 6 installments, admit failure, and move on. Just say Matt Fraction was actually writing this story and we’ll forget it ever began.

 

 

The Dream – Another WTF is going on/why am I reading this disjointed plot experience. The Adonis dude who performed sex in a club until a psycho Asian Chick who’s the daughter of a Gangster forced him to leave with her after his Sex Partner/GF was kicked in the ribs and left in the street, is back from the first installment, whoopee! We start with the GF and her broken ribs who’s sitting outside topless with bandages under her boobs. I suppose topless sunbathing helps your ribs heal faster. Given how this story is going I assume she’ll burn her butt in this installment and we’ll see her with her ass out and a bandage around her waist in the next issue.

 

The Adonis Dude is now auditioning for a film for a creepy director with an eyepatch. I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 40 years and I have yet to meet anybody who wears an eyepatch. They’re called sunglasses. That’s what they wear. Sun-fucking-glasses. He then is told to sit on a couch in front a large painting to read his lines. The painting is of a bunch of demons having an orgy with a bunch of naked chicks. Now, I've been on my share of auditions in my life. I gotta say, no matter how young, stupid or naive I was if some creepy dude in an eye patch gave me a script and told me to sit in front of a painting of a demon orgy I'm pretty sure I'd ask where bathroom was and then sprint to my car. Oh, and when this Adonis loser reads his lines the painting comes to life. Why? I have no fucking idea. I also have no fucking idea if Penthouse honors refunds. It gets worse.

The Creepy Eye Patch drives over to the Topless Broken Ribs chick to give her a car for her troubles. Then, he takes the keys back, says hold up, goes and finds a guy named 'Jack the Rat' (I am not making this up) hits and kills him with the car then returns to Broken Ribs Babe with a busted bumper and blood on it and says 'Here, now you can have it'. Given the absurdity of this scene I'm surprised she didn't ask if the insurance was with Geico cuz she likes little talking lizards up her butt. 

 

 

 

 

This nonsense installment ends with the Adonis going back to film a scene with Herr Eye Patch and is introduced to a short haired pale skinned goth chick with tats all over her called 'The Strange'. Maybe if she was dressed like a Naughty Dr. Strange with an 'Eye of Cumonahoho' shaped like a poon it would have saved this story or at least made for an interesting cooch-hanger.

I think they need to add these Penthouse Comixx to Writing Program Curriculum so students can be presented with what exactly not to do if you're interested in crafting an engaging story.

 

 

Gun Crazy - Finally they ended the barrage of word death with what I considered one of the most ridiculous fucking premises in the history of premises. I'm still beside myself as to how they came up with this one. So, two Lesbian Lovers, who are not white at all, who meet in the army, decide that they're going to disguise themselves in make-up so that they look white. Then, they're going to strip for the drek of society, who obviously must be in Biker Bars. As they strip their make-up will fade and then what that happens they're going to take out their guns and murder everyone in the bar.

 

 

Here's an idea: Why don't they strip for all the Politicians in DC instead? You're looking for the scum of the earth, well, most of them are there, have at it! It's so banal and reductive it hurt my eyes. Well,  there's zero mention of it or them in this installment, instead we get SuperWhiteMan. A new kind of Racist Superhero dressed in a Ku Klux outfit of some sort who, I dunno, bangs Native American women and then kills them. Oy vey.

Lastly we get a pin-up shoot of some squat, petite Brunette who poses in the dark under a neon sign that says 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'. I'm not sure if that's what you'd do to her if you started dating her or if that's her modus operandi. Yes yes I get that there's a game with the same name yet by the looks of this chick with this type of setting I'm completely freaked out by her and probably won't date another petite brunette for at least, well, okay, I'll date her another one, but, not if she has these psycho eyes. Okay, they all kinda do, okay, well, I'll date her yet ask her explicitly if she's ever murdered anyone, there, see, taking precautions.

It’s apropos that a hot blonde with a beefsteak tomato rumpus would entice me to drop some of my hard earned comic book cashish on this book, those types are usually very good at convincing me to do shit I wouldn’t necessarily do. After reading through these stories I feel yucky. This anthology is like if a hot blonde met me on the street in LA and invited me to a house party. Me, being the goofus and sucker that I can be, probably thought she was interested in me. So I go to the party, I end up having to pay to get in. I meet and talk with 5 different brain dead babes who make zero sense at all and bore me to tears. I find out the blonde has a boyfriend and then I’m stalked by some petite brunette with psycho eyes who forces me to sprint out of the house and evade her in the winding streets of the Hollywood Hills until I get cell reception. Yeesh, what a fucking nightmare. 

 

 

I actually did that once. Some chick at a party in the hills was freaking me out and I had to wander around outside for like 30 minutes until I got reception to call an Uber. After the Uber picked me up I immediately passed her also randomly walking around. Was she also looking for cell reception or was she looking for me to put me in a duffel bag and drag me to Mexico?

 

 

Penthouse, I’m done with your Anthology Disaster. I feel gross, as if I’ve flipped a channel to a hot sensuous sex scene, yet it somehow devolved into a gangbang bukkake fest with a bunch of dudes who look like Klaus Schwab. Now, you did tease the fact that you’ve got a bunch of other projects, that seem more cohesive and interesting, that you’ll be releasing under your imprint. Looks like either some graphic novels, or one-shots, or maybe a monthly, I can’t tell. The subject matter seemed cool. I'm down to give those a shot despite these disasters that cost me $20. It's like I paid for a lapdance and all the Strippers in the club formed a line in front of me and pooted.

 

 

 

Look, the market desperately needs adult, erotic, sexy titles so there is a void that needs filling. Unfortunately, what you’ve filled it with it so far is a floppy dildo made out of the most inane, ridiculous and mind numbing plots known to mankind. Give us some stories that vibrate, characters that tickle our brown eyes and maybe we’ll drop that $10 a month you obviously need to pay psychopathic crazy eyed chicks to do photo-shoots with you.

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill? More like: Read, Fart, Drop.

 

 

RATING: 1.3

VERDICT: Drop and Run

BATMAN: FIRST KNIGHT #2 - Review

 

Upon reading the solicit for this comic I immediately assumed that DC hooked up with some sort of intelligence agency or one of Elon Musk’s mind reading devices that has been targeting my thoughts. Why? Because the basic premise of this book is exactly what I have been craving, as far as a Bats story was concerned, for months if not years. Since nobody ever visits me or talks to me about comic books I have to assume that either there’s some sort of implant in my brain or my little princess is recording my facial expressions and thoughts with her eyes through another sort of implant because there’s no way that DC could have put something like this out without ‘focus grouping’ my thoughts.

 

I know that this blog is garnering attention, now, I’m sure that DC is focusing it’s black ops tech on my brain. I just have to hope that Marvisney doesn’t get wind of this blog. They don’t bother with intelligence agencies or technology. They’ll just kidnap you, bang your booty hole and send you out to a movie premiere with pink hair, a dress and a bewildered look on your face. Yes, they do engage in the whole, put an implant in your tooth and make it seem like you’re being talked to by demons but that’s only if you fight back. After multiple booty hole bangs and premieres you’re not sure which way is up; at least that’s what I’m told.

 

 

At any rate, I was thrilled to see a ‘Depression Era First Days of the Bats’ story hit the stands. I was also thrilled to see that this was getting the Black Label treatment. I then became disgusted when I found out that like all other prestige formats it was only getting 3 issues. Oy! Enough with this 3 Big Issues and you’re done insanity! For goodness sake, I’ve said this over and over, just release a prestige format as ongoing and make it bi-monthly, how hard could it be???

 

I mean, I get it. They already had the Hardcover of these three issues priced at $30 back in November. So what they’re doing is having it done and then releasing it to the comic book geeks in 3 pieces to make extra dough. There’s zero intention to make it ongoing from step one, it’s all about the hardcover, “Take what you can get you monthly losers”, yeah, whatever.

 

As far as this comic was concerned, a couple things struck me immediately. First, Mike Perkins plastered this book with absolutely gorgeous panels page after page. The atmosphere he created with his backgrounds and depiction of 30s New York City was sublime, he totally captured that era to a tee which set the book up perfectly. Secondly, I think that Jergens may have dipped into the 30s vernacular bucket a bit too much. It just felt like every piece of dialogue was dipped in the slang of day. Every other line it was Doll or Toots or Dame or Mooks or Jalopy or Hubbub. Hey, I’m all for finding dialogue where I can use the word kerfuffle but the script seemed saturated with these bon mots. Here's a snippet of the stupendous art:

But the crown jewel of this book? Batman’s Rabbi! Hava Nagila! Wow! Is this the first time a Rabbi has made an appearance in a Bats book? Or any book for that matter? Rabbi Jakob Cohen, oy, what a mensch. Now we know why Batman was able to persevere in the early days, he had Rabbi Cohen there to counsel him and get him through the bumps and bruises. He probably started Batman with the whole ‘Bring me a nice bowl of soup’ routine which is what Alfred seems to do every time Bats is brooding in his cave. Come to think of it, ya think Alfred might be Jewish? Maybe his last name is actually Pennyberg or perhaps he’s really Alfred Retailshmetail, ya never know! Jews change their names all the time.

 

Well as luck would have it, I did some digging in a local library and was able to locate a deleted scene from one of Bob Kane’s early scripts of Batman in Detetctive Comics. I was inspired to know more about Rabbi Jakob Cohen so there I was, clicking through the microfiche machine like I was researching a paper on the Scarlet Letter that was due the next day. Lo and behold, in one of Kane’s personal diaries in a sidebar, were these scribbles. It took me a minute to decipher, but I realized that it was Reb Yaakov as the character, which is another way of saying Rabbi Jacob. Don’t sweat me. So after several hours I took down this scene and here’s how it went as far as I could tell from the faded pencil that Kane used:

 

Rabbi Jacob: So? Nu?

 

Bats: I’m sorry what?

 

Rabbi Jacob: You’ve got a little blood on this outfit, hmm…

 

Bats: Gotham is a violent –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I can get blood out, wine or shmaltz not so much

 

Bats: Rabbi -

 

Rabbi Jacob: Please, call me Jacob

 

Bats: Okay, Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Actually, make it Rabbi Jacob, I think I like that better.

 

Bats: Okay, Rabbi Ja –

 

Rabbi Jacob: The ears seem big for a bat, no? Who put this together for you? My Aunt Bernice is a seamstress, she would do wonders with your Bat idea.

 

Bats: Listen, you have a target on your back and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I’d rather a target on my back than a monkey or an itch I can’t reach.

 

Bats: I can provide you with protection. I’ve spoken to Gordon and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?

 

Bats: I – I don’t know

 

Rabbi Jacob: A white fish.

 

Bats: A white fish isn’t purple.

 

Rabbi Jacob: This white fish was painted purple

 

Bats: Nobody would hang a fish on the wall.

 

Rabbi Jacob: They hung this fish on the wall.

 

Bats: It’s impossible for a fish to whistle.

 

Rabbi Jacob: Oy, you got me, it doesn’t whistle.

 

Bats: Rabbi Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Did you hear about Menachem the Tailor on 54^th street and 10^th avenue?

 

Bats: No.

 

Rabbi Jacob: He sits in his shop naked.

 

Bats: Really?

 

Rabbi Jacob: I visited him and there he was sitting naked with a hat on. I asked him why he was sitting naked.

Bats: What did he say?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He said nobody visits my shop I have no customers, it’s fine.

 

Bats: Then why does he wear a hat?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He wears it in case somebody shows up.

 

It ended with a smudged piece of action that could be interpreted as ‘Batman Laughs’ which would be a first in the history of the character. Maybe it’s coughs. Maybe it’s ‘Batman roughs up Rabbi Jacob demanding he give up his secret source of fresh baked bialys’.

 

As far as any gripe for the first two issues, I thought the cliffhanger to the first issue was a bit over the top. It felt way out of place, as if Jergens was looking for something a bit too sensational. Other than that, these issues really delivered the goods and I’m super bummed that this is already going to be over by the end of next issue.

 

However, since this book is done, how about a Rabbi Jakob Cohen spinoff??? Oh c’mon, you know the world is dying to find out what happens to this dude. Who did he marry? Was she a doll or a ditz? Did he help other superheroes in their early daye like the Flash? Did he tell him to slow down and smell the roses once in a while? Did Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth never work on him because he ‘technically was always telling the truth’? The world needs to know.

 

 

 

Instead of The Bat-Man in First Knight you can call it The Rabbi Dude in First Knight of Passover – A Detective Deshmective Comics Guilt Trip. Now that's hotter than bagels fresh out of the oven.

Rating: 9.4

Verdict: Pull & Do the Horah

WONDER WOMAN #7 - Tom King vs DC (The Supes is a Wuss Battle)

 

There is so much to unpack in this issue, I don’t even know where to begin. What is clear, is that this is no ordinary issue but a battle between Corporate Idiocracy and Artistic Integrity; with a little dash of Masonic Ritual thrown in. Tom King is officially on the front lines now in the fight against the Big Poo (DC & Marvisney) and the little comic writer guy. Let’s recap…

 

Tom King’s capes and tights stories in the past have basically all but sucked; sorry Tommy. He’s done some decent work on other indie comics but his biggest splat of poop came with his Batman/Catwoman maxi series. My goodness it was atrocious. It looked amazing but numbed your brain and depleted your wallet. Perhaps he was inspired by my last Tinder date. 

 

 

 

If I’m King, I’m probably facing an existential crisis following that disaster. What the hell am I doing here? I’m like one more series away from turning into an inept version of Matt Fraction. So what does he do? Homie buckles down and starts up Love Everlasting with Image, an absolute Monstrous Grand Slam of a series. 

 

 

DC notices and goes ‘Hmm, King is killing it – without us! This can’t be!’ Now what you have to understand about entities like DC, who operate like the US Govt, is that they don’t want you to thrive anywhere else but under their thumb. They would also rather that you self destruct while under their care so that you’re even more dependent on them for finding a way back. So what does DC do? They give King the keys to Dubz (Wonder Woman). Not only do they give him Dubz they give him Dubz right after their milestone 800^th issue so everybody’s eyes are going to be all over him. DC probably had a straight jacket picked out for him. I bet they assumed he would crap the bed and have a nervous breakdown. Well guess what?

 

King knocked his first Dubz arc out the fucking park. It was the best Dubz story in over a decade. Not only that, Daniel Sampere, drew the shit out of the books. You had to keep flipping back to the cover to make sure it was a DC non-Black Label comic; what a triumph. Now one would think DC would’ve just said:

 

‘Oh well, electro shocking King in his loony bin cell would’ve been fun but hey, his Dubz run is selling like hot cakes, we’ll take the money instead’

 

They don’t do that. They saddle him with a punk ass editor who forces him to use a bunch or ridiculous second-rate loser villains that nobody has ever heard of to battle Dubz at the end of her first story arc. King somehow made it work although there was a point where one of the goofus doofus villains ripped the Washington Monument off of its base and threw it at Dubz; that’s how ridiculous it got. For King to put something so absurd in his wonderful story one would have to assume that DC probably had his nuts in a clamp or a vice – something!

 

 

Despite DC’s effort to sabotage this series I could honestly say I was still looking forward to the next issue. But what happens? We don’t get the next issue in the story, we get this issue. An issue that has nothing to do with what’s been going on. An issue drawn by a completely different artist! A complete fucking bonkers issue where Wonder Woman and Super Man go shopping for a birthday gift for Batman at a mall on another fucking planet.

 

WHAT? HUH?

 

Now, you could argue that ‘Hey, King probably needed a hiatus and DC doesn’t do hiatuses so he just threw this together while he worked on the second arc’. Well, you would be absolutely wrong. I have two theories on what happened with this issue behind the scenes.

 

KING FIGHTS BACK

 

King said ‘Fuck these idiots at DC. They just ruined a perfectly great story with their punk ass villains that Boom! or Dynamite wouldn’t even use in their comics. They don’t do hiatuses so I’m gonna give them this piece of swill and take my power back.

 

It’ll be like an ultimatum: Either get off my back and let me do my thing or you’ll get more Dubz and Supes go shopping and get mani-pedis. I’ve got my ‘Batman and the Flash end up in an Escape Room and can’t get out until Mr. Mxyzptlk rescues them’ issue ready to go. Ya got that DC? Fuck around and find out what I do with the Green Lantern at a spa day.

 

It’s a brilliant move by King, if it is actually his move. He hits the brakes on the story, which isn’t even close to being done, and gets Guillem March to draw him a bonkers AF ‘Supes & Dubz go shopping for Batz on a mall on an alien planet’ story. Real quick on March, it’s clear that when he’s drawing Dubz that if he can’t say ‘Yeah I’d bang her looking like this’ then he ain’t drawing the panel. Every panel with Dubz in it is like soft core porn: she’s bending, she’s pouting, she’s flexing, her mouth is open. You do you March!

Hubba Hubba, droool...

So, did King give DC the bozack or is it…

 

 

DC HUMILIATES KING

 

This is how the Masonic Occult Entertainment Industry works: If you want to get ahead and pass into true stardom you have to be humiliated first. It might mean wearing a dress if you’re an actor or being punked at an award show if you’re a musician or if you’re John Cena wearing a dress and being naked with flip flops at the Oscars. Wonder Woman #7 has a classic humiliation vibe about it. Did DC do this because they recognize King’s greatness now and are putting him through the paces to, I dunno, write the next Dubz movie? Or are they slapping him around like a punk and reminding him who butters his biscuit?

 

How is this comic a humiliation ritual? First of all, this is the type of comic you’d get at a retail store for free back in the day. Like, in the 70s or 80s if you spent enough at a Stop & Shop or Kmart they’d give you a free Spidey comic which had a crap ton of ads and a goofalicious story. Or maybe your Dentist would give you one of these free cheap corny comics at his office as he filled your mouth with Mercury. You were a kid and didn’t care. But now, DC just put King’s name on a comic that reeks of a cheap comic freebie.

 

One could also argue that Supes in this issue is symbolic of Tom King since Supes is made to look like a whiny little frou frou girly dude from start to finish. Maybe while King’s nuts were in a clamp DC Editors taunted him and said:

 

DC: ‘Not only are we gonna put your name on this piece of swill but your favorite character of all time, who you want to write one day, is gonna get a Mani Pedi with Dubz’

 

King: You wouldn’t dare!

 

DC: Show him the March panels

 

King sees the Mani Pedi scene

 

King: You Monsters!

 

The DC Editors slobber over the Dubz art.

 

King: Jesus! You turned Wonder Woman into an Only Fans streamer

 

The DC Editors dry hump the Dubz panels while King openly weeps.

 

 

My goodness, what the hell did they do to Supes? Right off the bat Supes and Dubz go to a coffer bar in the Alien Mall. Supes orders a “Decaf Coconut Milk Latte with Four Pumps of Caramel, Whipped Cream and Butterscotch Drizzle and a Coffee Black”. Somehow the Latte is pink despite the fact that there are no pinkish ingredients in it. Supes takes the girly girl drink and Dubz takes the ‘put some hair on your chest drink’. So Supes avoids the caffeine yet is okay with, I dunno, 750g of sugar? What message is that sending??

 

Of course next a Monster Alien has to find a tiny piece of Kryptonite so that Dubz can rescue Supes. I mean, throughout this issue is seems like Supes is glancing down the whole time, beating around the bush or frowning. He looks like me trying to figure out how to get a pretentious Creative Director on Raya to respond to my bland opening message. Then we get another scene of Supes ingesting something Pink, this time it’s ice-cream, while Dubz is having something Vanilla. Really? Like, how many pink ice-cream flavors in the Universe are there? Two? Three? I suppose it’s a Soy Oat Double Labia Spritzed Bubblegum Flavor with Blue Ball Sprinkles.

 

Next we get this:

 

 

The justification being that this nail salon on this planet is the only with the proper instruments with the firepower to get Supes’ nails done right. Supes, let me introduce you to a place called K-Town in La La Land. Just wander into any of the nail salons there and you’ll be greeted by a gaggle of elder Korean women who have every manner of tool to grind away at any finger nail or toe nail in the Universe while they gossip about you in front of your face.

 

Then after Dubz joins Supes for a Pedicure we find him sitting on the floor surrounded by kittens while Dubz looks on. She’s probably wondering at this point ‘Maybe my birthday gift to Bats is just me showing up drawn by Guillem March with a couple of black coffees with no Dubz panties on’. The issue ends with Supes and Dubz taking goofy pix in a photo booth for Bats.

 

Let me tell you something, as someone who has been put in the Friend Zone more times than Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Walter Payton have found the End Zone, this is traumatizing/soul crushing Friend Zone behavior by Supes. You’re taking a Hot Babe with you to find a gift for a Dark Brooding Asshole who likes bad girls. The Babe is like ‘I really shouldn’t go out with the Asshole, I should be with the Good Guy, he’ll treat me better’. Once the Pink Drink is ordered her Pink Trinket is closed for business and all she’s wondering about now is ‘How can I change the Asshole into a somewhat nice guy after he bangs the living bejeezus outta me?’.

 

I don’t read Superman at all, is he always this much of a loser around chicks? Maybe King wasn’t traumatized by Supes in this issue. Maybe he was like ‘Yeah, and?’. If this is King’s ‘Eff you DC’ issue, maybe he was thinking ‘I’m gonna take Wussbag Supes and write a ‘Queer Eye for the Krypton Guy’ issue. Now before anyone rakes me over the coals for being, I dunno, a non-inclusive straight d-bag, I’d like you take video of a guy who’s interested in a hot babe engaging in the same activities as SuperMan does in this issue. If you can provide video evidence that you can buy a frou frou coffee drink, eat pink ice-cream, cavort with Kittens and urge said Hot Babe to get a Mani-Pedi with you and still end up somehow being her boyfriend or bangfriend – then I will agree with your assessment of me.

 

 

As it stands, this issue is a mind boggling assault on the senses. I’m sure once the dust settles they’ll create a docu-series about it on Netflix many years from now, detailing the epic battle between King and DC. In the meantime, we can only root for King, root for more Softcore March Dubz panels, and root for more guys acting like Supes does around hot babes – because it gives short guys who drink their coffee black an actual fucking chance.

 

 

Rating: 9.3 for Hot Dubz Panels, 2.2 for Supes Self Care Day

Verdict: Batman Bangs Dubz in the Unreleased #7.5 Issue