WHAT'S THE FURTHEST PLACE FROM HERE #12 - Review

 

Ah, another issue drop of ‘What’s the Furthest Place from the Main Plot Narrative’ yippee! This comic is like a hot babe who you had one amazing date with but who you haven’t seen in months. You can’t figure out why she’s not interested in you even though you’re quite sure you both enjoyed yourselves immensely while bowling and making out between gutter balls. Yet she’s distant and barely responds to your DMs on Insta. You want to give up on her but then you see her post something and all your blood rushes to your crotch and then commands your brain to think up an excuse as to why you would be reaching out to her; it’s pure madness. That is what this comic book is like: It was great and now it’s in wackadoodleville but you keep coming back to it because it hooked you so well when it was going great.

 

WTFPFH was brilliant for the first six issues but now we’re still in a forest with some ancillary characters and I have no fucking idea what this story is about anymore. Actually wait, we’re back in the forest but now we’re in another backstory on another timeline. You know, I really think these two dudes wanted a Netflix series and instead somehow got roped into writing a comic book instead. Like, this was their dream pilot project but while getting lit at a grungy hipster loft party where everyone was dressed as furries somebody convinced them that using your comic book as a storyboard to pitch your TV project is all the rage now. This actually would work way better as a Netflix Series than a comic. It reminds of this current hot show called ‘Beef’, have you seen it? It’s actually really good but it goes so far off the rails from episode to episode, it’s insane. It’s like they’re trying to figure out ways from episode to episode to just blow up the entire plot; but it somehow works! That’s what Boss and Rosiecheeks I feel are trying to do but in Comic Book land it just comes off as a sequential art shit show.

 

I’ve stated this before but it bears repeating in order to understand why this comic book has flown off the rails into the clouds and off into another dimension. It has left the main story bloodied and butchered on the train tracks in its wake but there’s a logical explanation. I’m gonna call Boss and Rosenberg BossBurger for convenience sake. Let’s recap:

 

1.     BossBurger, two Hipster Flat White drinking He/Her/Them/Don’t Forget Us did a micro dose one night that turned into a macro dose. They came up with this wild dystopian future/Lord of the Flies type story that was fantastic.

 

2.     After developing the pilot for years they allowed a pseudo hottie at a hipster loft party to convince to turn it into a comic that would eventually turn into the Netflix series they wanted. They brought the concept to Image and although there was no Oatly available at their initial meeting BossBurger forgave Image and let them publish their new opus.

 

3.     The first six issues were a groundbreaking wild success. Several of the initial variant issues had 45 records which exploded the heads of the many hipster vinyl aficionados who latched onto the series. This caused them to halt the Vinyl Variants due to a major drop off in sales due to a chunk of their audience spontaneously combusting – but they kept chugging along

 

4.     Due to the success Image called BossBurger after the 5^th issue and said they wanted to continue the story after issue 6. Both Tyler and Boss answered the phone during one of their annual Ayuhuasca trips and completely freaked out. First, they never intended for this story to go longer than 6 issues and secondly, due to them tripping balls Robert Kirkman’s voice sounded like the character Sho Nuff from the 1985 Martial Arts Film ‘The Last Dragon’ BossBurger were mortally afraid of this character and had nightmares as kids from the “guy who looked like a Black Gene Simmons”, according to them. This caused them to flee to Tulum with their insignificant others.

 

 

 

5.     Image, at a loss as to what to do since they already paid for 6 more issues ended up hiring a bunch of different artists and lured Matt Fraction out of a Canadian Sex Dungeon to write back-up stories as a Ghost Writer for 4 issues, this continued until issue 10 at which point they had to wrap Fraction up and ship him back to Montreal after Image’s offices turned into what looked like an S&M Convention. Kirkman was also tired of telling Fraction that he did not want to dye his pubes and back hair cherry red like Fraction’s girlfriend super cute ultra talented girlfriend Kelly.

 

6.     Eventually BossBurger returned from Tulum. They were broke from spending all their money on hallucinogenics and from investing all their earnings in Silicon Valley Bank stock since one of their dealers was a shareholder of the bank and promised them untold riches. They crawled in their tattered rags to Image’s office and begged them to let them complete the story. It took them a few hours to wade through the rows of Sex Swings but eventually they made their way to Kirkman’s office and groveled in his lap

 

7.     Back in their Silverlake hovel, BossBurger had no idea what their comic book was about anymore so after tripping balls on cheap Hashish that they procured at a creepy pot and pan store in Chinatown they tapped into their childhood fantasies about banging chicks with animal heads on in the woods.

 

And now here we are at Backstory #6 of the initial 12 issues at some wacky young/old folks home that we already visited before sometime back when there were vinyl variants and a cast list inside the front cover. Here’s the thing, it’s not that any of these issues are bad per se it’s just that they’re so all over the place there’s zero continuity from month to month. Bossburger needs to be sat down at a UCLA Writing Class and be whipped with a switch until they realize the importance of maintaining a consistent timeline and not to lose your readers by incorporating a dozen over the course of your initial story arcs.

 

The final panel reveals the face of the enormously tall ‘Parental Figures’ of this series who have been popping in and out of the story dressed in puritanical long black dresses and washcloths that cover their entire head. Let’s just say Picasso would have enjoyed the reveal. As for me, I just rolled my eyes. Looks like next issue is the only issue left until they release another trade and there’s nothing scheduled as far as I can see after that.

 

I suppose Bossburger have probably defaulted on their Silverlake Hovel due to the exorbitant rental prices that plague the LA Market. I’m sure they’re gonna take time off as they move to Austin or Nashville or Florida or maybe they’ll go backpacking in Chile, who knows, whatever they need to do to continue to avoid figuring out where the hell their main narrative went. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll keep coming back every month because I’m a sucker for a hot story idea even if it continues to emotionally abuse me and ignore my blog posts begging for it to come back home to a grounded tale.

 

Just be careful Bossburger, ya never know when Matt Fraction will step away from his addiction to brimping and take over your comic book when you’re too busy shrooming to notice. Happens all the time.

 

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: Pull. Yes pull it! Don’t ask why just pull it! Arrrggghhhh!

DEEP CUTS #1 - Review

 

I got sick! Out of the blue! Wiped me out for a week plus, holy moly. I never get sick! Wow! Nooo it wasn’t the China Flu it was something else, something…energetic. It felt like my body was recalibrating, assimilating, needed to purge some deep rooted stuff. Maybe reading all the Marvel stuff that I’ve read during the past year finally caught up to me. Your body can only take so much toxicity. Maybe all those awful Hulk, Daredevil, Thor, Black Panther, Avenger, Iron Fist books needed to be puked up. I mean, I never had to vomit but maybe if I did it would have coalesced in my toilet with the silhouette of C.B. Cebulski, Marvisney’s current editor in chief. Or maybe I’ve been so depressed with Zdarsky’s butt Batman run that my body just shut down from the pain. Anyway, most of the comics I read during my stupor weren’t necessarily review worthy – except this one. When I look back on the Marvisney Zdarsky Detox of 2023 that I had this past week I’ll remember how this comic ‘Deep Cuts’ reminded me that greatness still abounds in Comic Book Land if you dare to take a risk on a new title and look for it.

 

First of all, just picking up this book and you feel the weight of it, the gravitas, the card stock, the presentation – it all feels very important; like you’re reading an event, years in the making. Also, kudos to Image for all the tiny details it added to this book including the homage to the Blue Note logo on the cover. As for the story, it does not disappoint: A young clarinetist Charles ‘Ace’ Stewart tracks down Jack Cartier, a great trumpeter of the day in early 20^th century New Orleans only to be let down by Cartier’s ego, greed and reckless ambition. In the process he finds his voice, his music and his redemption which includes his trial by fire with a piano player in a brothel. The creative team of Higgins, Clark, Beyruth, Monti and Otsmane weave a magical tale that feels like you’re reading music. The notes jump off the page with such lush passionate paneling that it somehow creates melodies within your mind. I mean, yeah, I was a little loopy from the icky I was feeling but there was a definite rhythm that you could feel with these characters and that is a testament to this team working lockstep off of each other. It felt like this book was created right from a second story flop house in the French Quarter with beignets and chicory root coffee flowing day after day; the love just poured into this book and it shows.

 

A major chunk of the book takes place in a brothel as Charles learns his repertoire from the resident pianist and befriends Daisy, one of the beautiful employees of the establishment. These scenes jolted within me the memories of the several times that I almost booked gigs as a comedian in naughty venues as well. I'm sure you're all sooo deeply interested in those moments aren't you?!?? Please regale us with these stories Issac. Fine, fine, twist my arm -

 

Back in the day one of my close comic friends created a comedy show at Cheetah’s which is a strip club on the East Side of Hollywood. The Comics would come out on the runway and do their shtick and in between acts strippers would come out and do, well, do their shtick. It was quite a show and I was promised a spot in the subsequent show that unfortunately never happened as the show was cancelled after lasting only one night. I distinctly remember hitting on one of the strippers that night and her actually really digging me. Had I stuck around all night I’m pretty sure she would’ve left with me. The problem for me was that I had to watch her ‘work the room’ in the final hours before she was done and me and my immature uppity stupidity apparently didn’t enjoy seeing my future date rubbing up and down and all around a bunch of yucky business types so I left before she was finished; dumb ass. Anyway, I had all these bits and jokes set up for me to deliver while I was going to spin around the stripper pole; yes I know, the world is a bleaker darker place because those genius jokes were never delivered on that squeaky clean stage.

 

Another moment that I almost booked a gig in a naughty venue was at a local sex shop called ‘The Pleasure Chest’ on Santa Monica Blvd. near WeHo. It was actually a somewhat classy establishment, I had been in there a number of times and you never felt gross walking in; it just felt like a, I dunno, a shop that sold sex stuff. This was about ten years ago and they put a comedy show right on the floor when you walked in. It was hosted by T.J. Miller right before his career took off with the Silicon Valley show. You could tell that he was about to blow up, he just had this air of confidence about him and there was a lot of bustling energy around him. It’s funny how you just know when somebody is about to  jump into the stratosphere; Dane Cook had that same vibe as well. Anyway, again, the show ended up getting cancelled before I was scheduled to book a spot so once again I was foiled from enjoying a gig at a naughty venue. I’ll have to figure that out one of these days. In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for living vicariously through the magical musical journey of Charles Stewart. It seems like this is the first in a six issue series and with this story wrapping up already I’m excited to see where this team goes next.

 

As far as I know, The Pleasure Chest and the Cheetah Club are still open for business so, you know, if, you know, this creative team, if you wanted to, you know, do a Jazzy Naughty thing here for one of those issues I could you know, maybe open for one of your acts, you know, you wouldn’t have to draw me or anything it would just, okay, I’ll stop. But, you know, okay, cool.

 

Rating: 9.3

Verdict: Pull

CLEAR #2 - Review

 

Second dates are tough. It’s challenging to show up again and reaffirm to someone ‘Hey, I’m great’. See, the first date is actually easy, it can be a performance; it’s a slice of you. You get to carefully choose what to show and how to show it; a tactile manicure of your existence deftly presented to a prospective…whatever: lover, fling, validation, ego boost – up to you. It’s why Social Media is such a complete and utter disaster to the human race. Everyone is projecting their carefully manicured existence to the world which will neverrr replicate or indicate the truthful persona of that filtered projection. Maybe that’s why Social Media is ironically so anti-social? Since people are never going to live up to the idea that they’ve created online they have to hide behind it far away from actual in-person human eyeballs. Eyeballs that would dress down the augmented thought to its hum-drum reality.

 

Humans will also look back at Dating Apps as one of the most puerile destructive creations ever installed into the natural mechanisms of love, romance and sex. The fantasy of endless choice and brutal disappointing realities of failed expectations in relation to a selective photoshopped slideshow was never going to make anyone truly happy – and yet we all gleefully went along with it; the Devil’s convenience fooled us once again.

 

One of the main pitfalls of online dating was always ‘Am I actually talking to someone real?’.  ‘Is the person in the photos actually the person I’m chatting with or is it someone else?’. I knew I had to delete all dating apps on my phone when I was doing more and more reverse image searches on my phone to check if the profile photos of my ‘match’ were authentic or pulled from somebody else’s profile (celebrity or model). Nothing will beat vibe. Period. Vibration is everything and cannot be manifested over technology or over the meticulous choice of phrases and emojis within a chatbox. I think that’s where we’re headed with art unfortunately. As AI proliferates into our conscious world we’ll find ourselves asking ourselves over and over ‘Was this article/book/painting/video/comic real or was it created by AI?’

 

It’s already begun. AI is encroaching slowly into our lives; a pas de deux between the human and the machine that seeks to be human. I don’t see this ending well. I don’t trust nor believe in the honest intentions of those who ostensibly are ‘in charge’ of the AI. Think about the moment when a gun was first created. Whatever you feel about guns I think it’s safe to say they haven’t been a blessing unto this world. If you could go back and just delete that idea from manifesting from our consciousness into reality I’m sure we would all have been a lot happier over the previous centuries. That’s where we are with AI. If we’re not careful AI will turn into a weapon far more destructive than any bullet could ever have dreamed of. And yet here we are, chatting with it online like it’s a teddy bear filled with gumdrops.

 

I bring all this up in regards to Scott Snyder’s ‘Clear’ because the ‘First Date’ of this comic was a magnificent performance while the ‘Second Date’ felt like it was written by AI. It felt like Scott roped us in with a grand premise and world in Issue 1 and then handed it off to ChatGPT to complete the journey. Obviously I doubt that actually happened but having flipped the last page over to this issue I feel like this story just catfished me. The first issue’s execution and hook were brilliant: A futuristic post-apocalyptic world where augmented reality ‘veils’ are the norm that dropped into a ‘noir murder mystery’. Then, what, did Scott have better things to do and just asked ChatGPT to write him a solid follow up to the first issue that will compel readers to then pick up the final installment despite its mediocrity?

 

What fell short in this issue was I lost the sense of this wild technological dystopia along with the mystery of how these ‘veils’ actually worked and got a bunch of standard stereotypical ‘Noir’ devices.

 

1.     The Hot and Bothered Wife visited by the Detective at her glam pool

2.     The Detective is shot but survives due to a bad guy actually being a good guy

3.     The Detective gets framed for a crime/murder he doesn’t commit

4.     The Detective on the run from his own police force

5.     The Detective hanging by one hand from a cliff as the real villain threatens him

 

Oy vey. Like, where was Jayne Mansfield telling our lead dude to ‘Come up and see her sometime’? I mean, Snyder should’ve made us a Spotify playlist of a droning saxophone with a empty tumbler of ice rattling in the background. Did he download a PDF of ‘How to make your Noir Story super Noir’ and  then upload it to his AI program?

 

Look, from now on, I am hereby calling for a full moratorium on all HEROES HANGING BY ONE HAND ON A FUCKING CLIFF! How many fucking times can stories have lit-er-al cliffhangers?!?!? Can someone actually do a study on how many actual cliffs are available in the world to have a hero hang from so we can astutely the assess how low the probability is for this ridiculous feat to happen. From now on, if you’re a writer, you’re not allowed to put any of your frikkin characters hanging from a cliff until you yourself have actually gone to a cliff, hung from it, and realized how batshit impossible it is to do any of the moves that your heroes supposedly do.

 

While we’re at it, if you’re going to write in a scene where a dude is holding onto a chick who’s dangling from a cliff with one arm then it should be required that you take a couple bags of groceries to a cliff and see how long your spindly nerdy ass can hold onto just a couple bags of groceries before all your containers of Oatly go tumbling onto the tumbleweeds below.

 

Yeesh.

 

Anyway, Francis Manapul’s art is flat out gorgeous. There’s a lot of amazing new and upcoming artists out in the comic book universe doing wonderful work. Now if only the writers could match their spectacular efforts we’d be in geeky heaven. As it stands, Snyder reverts to form from his previous three issue drops and poops out a clunker. I mean, it really wasn’t a clunker it just wasn’t nearly as ‘Wow’ as the first date. Now I’m roped into a third date because I’ve already shelled out for two dates and have barely gotten a smooch out of it.

 

How much you wanna bet Synder’s last issue of ‘Clear’ puts me in the friend zone?

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Pull. [Grumble]

April '23 Reading Round Up

 

Another mixed bag in Comic Book land this month. Scott Snyder’s first of the three issues series called Clear was a much needed breath of fresh air, especially

after not faring well whatsoever in his previous two 3 issue drops. The more I think back on it the more I’m getting excited for #2 so puhhleease be just as amazing. As mentioned in my rant in Spy Superb’s finale in their 3^rd issue, these pricey 3 issue are more than often a huge letdown.

 

Avengers War Across Time is a blast. There really is nothing wrong whatsoever with this book it’s pure retro goodness. I mean, you’ve got this formula, it works to a tee. It’s fun, it’s heroic, it’s a comic book. Like, I get it, nobody wants to do their debut acoustic album all over again now that they’re onto symphonic drum and bass with a hint of bluegrass. But, jeez, like, I dunno, keep putting out the formula and add the new flavors. There was a poignant point made in the letters column at the back of the book by a reader named Paul Carbonnaro who I assume also noshes at Canters the same time Paul Levitz does. He goes on to say:

 

“There are a number of things that made the Silver and Bronze Ages great reading fun, and they include splash pages, narrative intrusion and the dramatic irony of thought balloons = the latter for just that, as opposed to exposition. Frankly, I simply cannot understand why modern comic books don’t use these elements. These are comic books after all, and not storyboards for TV Shows.”

 

Amen Paul! This is exactly what I’ve been saying. Just bake a comic book for us, please? We don’t need your pitchdeck for your pipe dream HBO Max show, just deliver a great story meant for a comic book and let the chips fall where they may as far as it becoming something else.

 

Black Cloak is turning into a fine murder mystery and the magical city she’s created is evolving at a really lovely engaging gallop. There’s nothing super spectacular about this series but when you have a writer who understands structure, pacing and effective world building it immediately sets it apart from the common drivel that is the comic book universe these days. After a perfect set up at the end of this issue I’m really looking forward to the next installment.

 

Finally, Groo: Gods Against Groo wrapped up its 4 issue drop and, I mean, you just can’t go wrong with Groo. I really wish Dark Horse would just give Sergio an ongoing series at this point and forgo all these 4 issue mini series but maybe that’s the way Sergio likes it. Whatever the case may be somebody needs to start making the Groo movie already. Yes, after dropping pure amazingness for 40 frikkin’ years there ain’t nothing wrong with giving this IP it’s cinematic due.

 

Here’s what got the full on ‘Review’ treatment of the past month:

 

Monstress #44 

 

Dead Romans #1 

 

Spy Superb #3 

 

Superman: Space Age #3 

 

Clear #1 

 

The Ambassadors #1 

 

That's it everyone! Lastly I hate to admit it but damn that new 'Flash' movie looks amazing. And Keaton back as Bats? Whaaaaat? Dammit. Dammit please be good. Dammit DC make a frikkin' genius movie already! Marvisney's crapping the bed. There's a void. Fill it! 

Happy Reading :)

MONSTRESS #44 - Review

 

I mean, I just, sigh, I mean, dude, what the hell. Like, seriously, what the hell! What the hell is going on here??? Is anybody still reading this comic book? Am I the only one? Is it like some wacky runaway hit in some far gone far flung locale like Pitcairn Island or Burkina Faso? Are fans of this series just buying the book, flipping through it to let the amazing art wash over them and then bagging it and boarding it before they get a chance to even look at the text bubbles? Look, as I said in the review of the issue prior to this one, I’m all for wackadoodle wacky trippy dippy madness when it comes to anything except my dates but someone needs to put this comic in a straight jacket.

 

We’re at the same point in this Monstress comic relationship where we would be if your girlfriend of 7 years started losing her shit and began exhibiting odd erratic behavior. Like if she just started giving herself panda eyes with her make-up and putting her hair in pigtails for the first time you’d be like ‘Honey, what’s with the new look’ and she’d react by punching you in the face for repressing her ability to express herself. Like if you came home one day and she’s yelling at a Golfer in a Golf Tournament on TV while eating a greasy BLT and you say ‘Babe, you’re Kosher and you hate golf’ and she breaks down and cries because she now realizes that you’ve never taken the time out to really get to know the ‘real’ her. It is the essence of that bonkers behavior that has made its way into this comic.

 

Again, I don’t know what’s going on with Majorie in her life but I think it’s safe to assume that she and her genius author beau Junot Diaz are having problems and she’s taking it out on this plot. Either that or she latched onto a really bad ‘Self Help Program’ that is encouraging her to release her trauma into her work. I mean, look at the art in this book now, Sana Takeda seems to be scratching and clawing her panels as if her brain is on fire. I think that’s what we should call this comic from now ‘My Brain is on Fire: The Cats Did it’.

 

Maybe since cats with multiple tails and flying abilities are such a huge part of this series it’s driven Marjorie into the loony bin. Isn’t there something that cats release into the air that’s shown to make their owners go bonkers. I know I read an article recently where a certain parasite that gets into a cat can make their owners ‘take unnecessary life threatening risks’. Maybe that’s what’s happened here. Maybe one of Marjie’s cats sent one of these parasites into our beloved author! It all makes sense now! Look, we’re in this completely ridiculous world now and how did we get here? Through the belly of a stone cat that was floating in space! I don’t think that’s purely coincidental. I think we need to accept the fact that Ms. Liue has gone Catshit Crazy.

 

Let’s just assume for a moment that this ‘Ancient God Prison Colony’ storyline where the roles of the Ancient God and Maika the female lead are reversed; he’s now the host and she’s the tethered symbiotic consciousness, it still begs the question: Why? Why are we in an ancient God prison colony after having just jumped through the belly of an intergalactic feline??? Is it to show that even Ancient Gods are oppressed? Has someone started an Ancient God Reparation petition online yet? I mean, we’re getting scenes and dialogue of Ancient Gods working the fields like we’re in a deleted scene in a cotton field from ‘Shawshank Redemption’. I can hear Morgan Freeman’s voice right now:

 

Red: Ancient Andy knew that any day now a cat would fly out of his puckered asshole. Either that or some emo girl with bangs would wrap a tentacle around his balls and drag him into a bonfire of bones. But he was still the same Ancient Andy, always smiling, always lending a squiggly tentacle hand and always ready to put you on his back and run when the Cat Spaceship appeared in the sky. That’s the Ancient Andy I’ll always remember.

 

You know, I wouldn’t mind this Star Trek type alternate planetary reality type story line if it was, oh I dunno, written AFTER we finished the main storyline. Like, if the whole plot of the war and the mask and the mystery of Zinn and a reconciliation with Momma happened then we flew into a Cat Belly, fine. But we’re on this off the wall tangential story line that has completely divorced us from the main storyline and all its characters. I mean, read the quick recap on the inside page of the main cover:

 

C’mon Marj, like WTF? I think that’s why Sana Takeda’s art is reaaaallly aggressive this issue, she’s probably jittering her hand as she draws the cat while muttering ‘What’s next??? A twelve step program for ancient Gods who have human heads attached to their foreheads??’.

 

And look, now Monstress is taking a mini-hiatus again until June. Clearly Image called Marjorie again asking the same basic questions they ask of her every other month: ‘Is everything okay? Shouldn’t we be wrapping this story up by now?’ only to be hung up by her while cats screech to the heavens in the background. Maybe Marjorie needs to pick up the Saga Compendum to see how you continue a compelling story that lasts over 40 issues. Look, I want this comic to be great. I want it to last a hundred issues but jeezus louiszus throw me a rational story building bone here!

 

Well, just like a girlfriend of 7 years who all of a sudden loses her marbles you can’t break up with her or you’re the insensitive asshole boyfriend dude. So you have to stick it out with her until she does something so unconscionably bad that everyone agrees you have no choice but to leave her. That’s where we are with this book. I can’t just leave it, I have to stand by it and reassure it that everything is going to be okay as it poops on my gluten-free devil dog. Maybe that’s it. Maybe if she introduces a anthropomorphic Terrier character that gets eaten alive or something I can leave based on the principle of her traumatizing me since I have a Terrier. I wouldn’t put anything past a Cat Lady. At this point I’m sure the suits at Image have already bandied about the idea of releasing the collected volumes of Monstress and calling it ‘The Cat Lady Cat Sh*t Compendum’; you know that’s gotta be on the table at this point.

 

Rating: 6.1

Verdict: Sigh. I support you through your plot hardship Crazy Cat Lady. Pull.

DEAD ROMANS #1 - Review

 

Looking at the thumbnails of the weekly comic book solicitations is like being a crotchety old Casting Director looking at headshot submissions from fresh off the boat Non-Union Actors. You’ve got a scowl on your face, an ashtray full of menthol cigarette butts and a desk full of unopened mail. You’ll see yourself saying to yourself:

 

‘What the hell is this crap? Who are these fucking people! No. No. No. Definitely no. Yuck. Oh please. Spare me. What in God’s name is that? More no’s. Jesus frikkin Christmas!’

 

As you scroll down squinting at each comic book cover in the solicits the taste in your mouth grows staler and staler and the pit in your stomach grows emptier and emptier. That was my experience a while ago until I saw the cover for ‘Dead Romans’. Historical shit, huh? Hmm. I’ll take a looky loo. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the plot, go figure, but the art? Wow. Who’s this Nick Marinkovich dude? His work is beautiful. Stylized. Detailed. Evocative. Flat out gorgeous paneling. Yeah, I can let this wash over me in my early morning coffee read, I’ll just pretend I can’t read English and forgo the story. Actually, I tried that. I ignored the text and just watched this book unfold before my eyes and it was quite an experience.

 

Ya know one of the greatest Acting Teachers I ever had said you should be able to turn off the volume of anything you’re watching and still be able to completely understand what the story is, that goes for acting scenes as well. I would say that also goes for comic books. A great comic doesn’t need exposition or thought bubbles, if the artist is truly keyed in and in synch with the writer the art will give you everything you need. I feel without question this is what happened with Dead Romans. Marinkovich’s lines tells you everything you need to know.

 

So I went back and actually read Fred Kennedy’s story the second time around. Fred Kennedy, who’s Fred Kennedy, sounds like a politician who gets caught with a trans hooker in Hollywood on a late Wednesday night:

 

“Councilman Fred Kennedy had no comment on last night’s arrest with famed streetwalker Binky McStinky. When pressed his press agent insisted that when driving home from a full day’s work of making his city better Fred likes giving rides to 24 hour supermarkets to ‘those who seem a bit down on their luck’. This of course doesn’t explain why his pants were down behind a donut stand on Wilcox and Santa Monica blvd.”

 

When you Shmoogle Fred Kennedy the first result that comes up is a Stuntman from Nebraska that worked a bunch of Hollywood films back in the 40s. The next result is firm that helps you with DUIs. So clearly Freddie Kay isn’t a huge name yet which is fine by me, let’s see what you got homie, I’m gonna read your tome:

 

Hmm, interesting, okay, not bad, ah, well, really, gotcha, wait [flips pages back and forth] huh? Ohhh. Wait [flips pages back and forth] hmph, alright. Got it.

 

So I’ll try and break this story down in modern LA terms. The story may be a bit confusing to some of you out there. Yes, this story takes place in Germany and involves a guarded Roman caravan with a Queen aboard that was sent by a high ranking Roman dude. But once you transfer it into a wackadoodle LA story, which for all I know it could be, then it all makes sense.

 

So instead of this being called ‘Dead Romans’ we’ll call it ‘Dead Homeless’ to make it more applicable to La La Land.

 

 

DEAD HOMELESS

 

So you got this douchebag Lawyer type with a tiny pee pee who lives in Agoura Hills. He makes beaucoup bucks but not enough to afford a spot in the hallowed Calabasas gated community. All he cares about are the dillies. He’s got a hot Armenian babe as a girlfriend. She was an actress who booked a commercial here and there but basically was staring down a life as a Restaurant Hostess until she hooked up with Douchy Lawyer Dude after he hit on her at her job. She banged him silly one night and now she shops at Rodeo on the regular thanks to his credit cards. She’s bored and unsatisfied but she likes the cushy home, the whip and the bottomless Mimosas with her pseudo friends on the weekends.

 

Since a girl like this ain’t gonna just sit around and not get her booty bell rung properly she ends up seducing one of the interns at Douchy Lawyer Dude’s office who falls in love with her and bangs her on the regular in his crappy NoHo apartment or in Uber XLs, she loves getting banged in Luxury SUVs for some reason. He obviously wants her to leave Douchy but he ain’t got the ends to satisfy her.

 

Douchy Lawyer Dude is involved in some shady shit. He runs drugs and other illegal paraphernalia from his office and has connects to multiple gang members in LA. His girl knows about it and doesn’t really care, she gets a thrill from it in a way and sometimes does a shady errand for him every now and then. Douchy gets a big multi million dollar shipment dropped in his lap from a gang connect and has to deliver it to a contact in Venice on the low. So he gets his girl to put the drugs in a suitcase and tells her to call an Uber Black to take her to the airport but to add a stop in Venice.

 

Homegirl tells her Intern Lover about the shipment and he gets an idea. He calls his homie who knows a rival gang in the area about the shipment and to hijack the delivery. His thinking is, he’ll have the gang members steal the shipment and grab his girl. He’ll take the money he gets from hooking up the gang with the drugs, about 250k, to fund his crypto venture which he’s more than confident will turn him into a billionaire. The Gang already is in deep shit with the local cops over a bunch of robberies and accidental shootings of randos on Abbot Kinney. So they decide to pay a bunch of raggedy homeless losers to ambush the Uber and snatch the babe and the blow. They hook the homeless up with a bunch of glocks and tell them they’ll get paid once they deliver both to them after the ambush.

 

Problem is, Douchy ain’t an idiot and had someone tailing his girl in the Uber. Once the Uber gets ambushed on Venice Blvd the dude tailing Douchy’s girl unloads on the homeless. The Uber goes up in flames and multiple homeless get drilled and killed. Several manage to grab the babe and the blow and take off into the sewer system. The word goes around the entire homeless pop in Venice (which probably outnumbers all the gangs in LA) that they were set up. The homeless rally around each other and put ransom demands on both the girl and the blow as they hide out in the sewers.

 

Now the Intern is fucked. He’s lost his girl and the blow. He knows Douchy is gonna come after both hard so he drives over to Venice to talk to the gang members about rescuing his girl and the drugs.

 

So there ya go! It’s not bad huh? Makes you really wanna read Issue 2 now doesn’t it. You’re welcome Fred Kennedy. Just stay away from the Trannies and keep your nose clean and I think you’ll be looking at a real successful series just as long as you get out of the way of Nicky M and his bad ass art.

 

Dead Homeless. Coming to a cheezy YouTube channel near one of your browser tabs soon!

 

Rating: 7.8

Verdict: Pull

SPY SUPERB #3 - Review

 

This is going to be a rant about Kindt’s Marketing Team and a rant about these pricy Three Issue Series drops that seem to becoming more and more popular in the monthly comic book publishing world. These pricy 3 issue drops? They need to stop. Unless you’re coming with the super rarefied genius that Black Label came with last year, y’all need to stop. Unless you’re dropping something comparable to the unbelievable majesty that was Aquaman: Andromeda, Catwoman: Lonely City or Wonder Woman: Historia – y’all need to stop trying to charge our geeky asses all this bank for these wack ass three issue mini-series. Just because you fluff up the page count and compress a story and hire someone who’s got credits doesn’t automatically make your 3 Issue Money Grab grabbable.

 

See, the prices on the aforementioned books were justified. Hell, I probably woulda paid more if they upped the prices for Books 1 & 2 of all three of those Black Label titles they were so ridiculously amazing. But if you think you can just mush your story into three jumbo sized issues because you wanna hurry it up so you can double up your return on the monthly and the trade within six months – slow your roll. Most of these 3 issue jumbo sized extra page count books – are butt. One of those butt books was this Spy Supreme trasharama.

 

Look, it’s not easy having a coherent, well paced story with well rounded characters that traverse a fulfilling arc replete with a twist and a payoff at the end in only three issues. It takes talent. It takes a smart efficient editorial team and most of all it takes a solid concept that has zero holes in it. Spy Supreme has more holes in it than a golf course. My little baby’s doggy poo bags are stronger than this book’s flimsy AF plot. I don’t get it. Like, why? I just spent 25 bones on this mini series and I would rather have paid for a fancy shmancy ridiculously priced controversially lauded burger at Father’s Office in Culver City than piss my hard earned comic book bux down the drain on this half baked swill from Kindt.

 

Kindt! WTF? Mind MGMT! Genius! Pure effin genius. We want more, obvi (that’s what the kids say these days, obvi, look how hip I am) but if you’re gonna dip your wick back in the spy game again homie you can’t just poop any old idea you came up with at one of your Eyes Wide Shut parties in Hollywood where you were being violated by a dozen masked women and Kathy Griffin dressed as Maleficent with a strap-on. Your premise is sound: unsuspecting yutz is one of a line of other unsuspecting yutzes who have the traits to act as an invincible useful idiot to carry out missions they’re not even aware of, great! But it’s one note, bro. You don’t have a story here and because it’s so poorly plotted your scribbly art looks even scribblier, it looks like toilet paper square art and doesn’t enhance the story at all like it did in your groundbreaking Mind MGMT opus.

 

You come up with some cool spy people especially Roche Chambeaux, the dude who’s a killer that rocks scissors, poisoned paper squares and fists of titanium – brilliant. But the whole story goes nowhere and is fugazi. I don’t buy for a second that this ‘Lucky’ spy chick fell for this guy. I don’t have any connection to why this dude is being used nor has it been reinforced by whom. I can’t for the life of me figure why they’re in New Zealand other than it’s far away, woop de doo. The environment plays zero of a character in the plot; it could be anywhere. Dude, Matt, bubbeleh, you can’t drop genius, become Hollywood and then drop poop. You’ll tank your career. People will soon figure out you’re a hack even if you’re not. You’re a year away from wandering around Abbot Kinney in Venice on an Art Walk Night looking like you’ve just been on a bender for a month in a youth hostel in Europe.

 

You know what’s really sad? I could’ve typed into ChatGPT ‘Hey, evil AI, write me an unbelievable sequel to Matt Kindt’s Mind MGMT’ and been given more of an entertaining read than this. Hell, it probably would’ve drawn your stuff to a tee. Hell, I could’ve told it to draw in the cast of the Muppets and taken this AI Comic to next level award material. You know what’s really sadder? I bet that’s already happening. I bet we’ve already read some AI Comics. I mean, do you really think DC & Marvisney that’s being run by corporate cost cutting overlords haven’t already experimented on some of its wacker titles that don’t sell very well by now? The crazy thing is in a couple of years we probably won’t be able to tell the difference if this AI thing goes unchecked; we’re literally on the threshold of making most artists obsolete.

 

Anyway, back to this three issue insanity. I just spent 30 bones on 3 issues of Superman: Space Age. As mentioned before by me, the Three Issue Gambit is brilliant by marketing standards. You have an idea with a hook. You drop a pricy oversized page count issue. It’s good enough to make anyone want to buy the second issue. The second issue is good but not great, in most cases it might even suck. When the third issue comes out you feel compelled to buy it because A. You already bought the first two B. Just because the second issue sucked doesn’t mean the third will and at this point you might as well find out how it ends.

 

Then it’s over and you’re like ‘What the hell just happened???’ You just paid for what you would have paid for 6 comics over the span of six months in 3 and yet you didn’t necessarily have a transcendent experience, dude, you just got three issue banged on the dance floor at a Molly Rave at the Avalon on Vine on a Monday Night. The Majestic Black Label Books of 2022 had a lot of time off between issues. One had to assume it was because they were putting a hell of a lot of work in to make those issues unbelievably undeniably great – and they were. Look at 'A Vicious Circle', that also is a 3 issue prestige drop but issue 2 hasn't come out yet and it's been 4 months since issue one. That tells me they're working hard on delivering the goods for issue 2. But this ‘Spy The Herb?’, turns out it was nothing more than a cog in the marketing scheme of the Kindt team.

 

Well looky looky at what we have here at the very end of this series plastered on the inside of the back cover:

 

 

Fifty Bux! My goodness. To be honest, this actually looks great, I mean, this looks waaaay better than the gobstopping swill I just ingested from this 3 issue drop. The more I look into it the more I wish I had bought this instead of these 3 comics. I wasn’t aware this was even out. So, again, Kindt/Dark Horse is trying to upsell you after a Mini-Series. They did with the Mind MGMT:Remix 4 issue series that was blah at best. That one seemed completely tailored as a hook for the Mind MGMT Boardgame, which cost $50 also. So these comics are just marketing tools for even more expensive purchases, they’re not comics for the sake of them being comics. Do you really think after reading two mediocre poorly thought out mini series that I’m going to be all hyped up to drop an extra $100 on more Mindless MGMT stuff? Like, ‘Hey, thanks for wasting $25! Here, drop another $50 on this!’ Dude. C’mon. I mean, if this was a great Mini Series or even a great 6 issues I might consider it but after pooping on three of my mornings with this caca I’m not really inclined to spend more, capische?

 

Like, Saga puts out perfect issues every month and then is like, ‘Hey, we have merch if you want it’. Great! I’ll check that out, might even buy some. Or if Lemire or Bendis drops six dope issues in a row and the publisher is like ‘Hey, look at all the other stuff this dude wrote’. Great! I might check that out and buy it too. But this just feels like a comic book hook. Like, I didn’t even know about the board game and this book to begin with, but now I do, after paying $40 between the two series. That makes me feel yucky. Like, either market it properly to people in the game and trade market or pump out some bad ass quality engaging books that would pique my interest for more.

 

Matt, bubbeleh, I get it, LA is expensive. Can’t find a decent cup coffee for less than $8 after a tip. Power Bills are more expensive than your TV & Phone bills combined. You can’t eat out without at least dropping $30-40 per person, and that’s at a chintzy taco spot in Mar Vista. But dude, you’re doing it ass backwards. Star Wars releases Star Wars and then says buy the action figures. You’re selling the action figures before the movie homie. Get your shit correct. You officially get the ‘Stink Eye’ next time I see something that is in the solicits from you. Hey, it’s baseball season…

 

Cause it’s One. Two. Three Issues and you’re Out of $$$ in the Ol’ Comic Game!

 

Rating: 5.7

Verdict: SMH