PENTHOUSE #2 - Review

 

Penthouse is baby got back for some more big phat ass stories! First, that is one juicy beefsteak tomato on the cover although, as I’ve stated before, I’m not a fan of the tats. I think Bel Biv Devoe’s iconic song ‘Poison’ should be updated and the lyric changed to: ‘Never trust a Big Butt and a Tattoo Sleeve’.  Generally speaking, the more tats you got the more trauma you’ve endured and the more pain you get off on; at least that’s what Freud basically says about tats. This Blonde on the cover wants nothing to do with you comic geeks out there unless you’re rolling in Crypto Cash and can sweep her away to Tulum with 25k and a mound of coke. That said, nothing wrong with a plump tucchus to start your comic book reading in the morning.

 

The first page of this second installment mentions that their first issue sold 30,000 copies, wow! That sounds like a lot. That also tracks with the approach of selling to horny lonely comic dudes, ‘Hey buy this $10 ‘comic book’ that just happens to have a bunch of naked babes in it.’. Despite the copious amounts of tits and ass, the first issue was pretty fucking awful as far as the stories went. Yet the format was sound and if they could fix the content it had immense potential, so I begrudgingly dropped another 10 spot on this offering. It was like going out on a second date with a brain dead hottie, maybe you’ll get some, maybe her dumb girl antics are just an act and she’s really intelligent and insightful, or maybe she’ll bang the bus boy and the valet in the bathroom while you’re waiting for the chocolate lava cake to arrive.

 

 

 

 

To their credit, Penthouse apologized for their typos and messy first issue and promised even better stories going forward. They even added a fifth story to this issue compared to just four for the previous one. Maybe they just threw this thing together for shits and giggles and were shocked it sold so many issues and now they realize they have a golden goose butt on their face so they’re making sure it’s legit. Anyway, let’s breakdown the parts of this Ass Parade.

 

The Dead All Have the Same Skin – A large chiseled bouncer who is Black but looks white works a club where there’s a gambling room on the second floor and, I think a brothel on the third floor? There’s also a room with drawn curtains for fetish shit on the second? And, umm, plot? Can I get one? I’m not sure what the conflict is here or why I should care about anybody. It was set-up that this dude is Black, but looks white, and – so what? Is that a key part of your story? All I get is, some Bright Skinned Black Dude breaks up a fight and then bangs a ho in the backseat of his car. Whoop de fucking do. This is the last panel of the story:

 

 

 

 

This is what the Editors of Marvisney look like after they get off the phone with whomever is writing their comics for them. They’re literally jizzing over how genius they think their notes and suggestions are despite the fact that their comics are all but unreadable. My goodness, how many more installments of this do I have to bite the palm of my hand through??? Seriously, are these new comics or did they dust them off from years ago and throw them into this anthology? I never read Penthouse, was this how the comics were, these stories are fucking brutal. Oy vey. Not a good start. This was definitely not foreplay, rather a knee to the nuts.

 

 

 I Spit on Your Grave - I vaguely remember what the hell this story was about. Some blonde hunk dude goes to a small town, meets up with some hot young people, they jump in a lake all naked, he bangs the hot girls and then I dunno, I didn’t give a shit so I forgot. Now he’s at the lake, some rich dude shows up, now he’s at a rich party in a tux and he wants to bang the rich girls in the fancy dresses. Everyone leaves and as he’s carrying one of the rich chicks into a house where there’s an after party, she pukes. Maybe it was from drinking too much, maybe it was from realizing she’s in an awful comic anthology that only sold because of a juicy tucchus on the cover. 

 

 

It may seem like I’m oversimplifying the story but honestly, I can’t make heads or tales of what the fucking plot is other than waiting for the blonde hunk to plow some poon chowder. From the looks of it, seems like the creators are all foreign, did this get lost in translation. Maybe it’s a genius piece of literature and some comic geek at Penthouse hopped up on Mountain Dew, cocaine and surrounded by porn is making some awful decisions in deciphering the story.

 

This story should have been renamed I Spit on Your $10 Tucchus Comix.

 

 

Miss October – I still have no idea what the fuck is going on in this story. It looks great, although so many of the characters appear to be too similar so I lose track of who’s who and what the hell they want. Somebody’s murdering Playmates and taking pictures of them after. Seems a bit dark considering Penthouse was the Bunny’s main comp for so many years but whatever. There’s also this hot Blonde rich girl who’s now a Cat Burglar stealing jewelry and fencing it. I don’t know how this connects to the main plot but since there doesn’t seem to be one maybe it doesn’t matter. There’s lots of handwritten notes and cool 60s LA scenery. There’s some nice au natural 60s sex with corsets and the like. It’s basically a glorified Mad Men meets Chinatown kinda vibe. 

 

It’s all very pretty to look at but confusing as hell. I get enough of that walking around La La Land these days. This is just part two of eight? Oy vey. It’s supposedly not coming back until October, maybe by then it’ll – oh who am I kidding, it’ll still be pretty and a head scratcher. Just cancel the remaining 6 installments, admit failure, and move on. Just say Matt Fraction was actually writing this story and we’ll forget it ever began.

 

 

The Dream – Another WTF is going on/why am I reading this disjointed plot experience. The Adonis dude who performed sex in a club until a psycho Asian Chick who’s the daughter of a Gangster forced him to leave with her after his Sex Partner/GF was kicked in the ribs and left in the street, is back from the first installment, whoopee! We start with the GF and her broken ribs who’s sitting outside topless with bandages under her boobs. I suppose topless sunbathing helps your ribs heal faster. Given how this story is going I assume she’ll burn her butt in this installment and we’ll see her with her ass out and a bandage around her waist in the next issue.

 

The Adonis Dude is now auditioning for a film for a creepy director with an eyepatch. I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 40 years and I have yet to meet anybody who wears an eyepatch. They’re called sunglasses. That’s what they wear. Sun-fucking-glasses. He then is told to sit on a couch in front a large painting to read his lines. The painting is of a bunch of demons having an orgy with a bunch of naked chicks. Now, I've been on my share of auditions in my life. I gotta say, no matter how young, stupid or naive I was if some creepy dude in an eye patch gave me a script and told me to sit in front of a painting of a demon orgy I'm pretty sure I'd ask where bathroom was and then sprint to my car. Oh, and when this Adonis loser reads his lines the painting comes to life. Why? I have no fucking idea. I also have no fucking idea if Penthouse honors refunds. It gets worse.

The Creepy Eye Patch drives over to the Topless Broken Ribs chick to give her a car for her troubles. Then, he takes the keys back, says hold up, goes and finds a guy named 'Jack the Rat' (I am not making this up) hits and kills him with the car then returns to Broken Ribs Babe with a busted bumper and blood on it and says 'Here, now you can have it'. Given the absurdity of this scene I'm surprised she didn't ask if the insurance was with Geico cuz she likes little talking lizards up her butt. 

 

 

 

 

This nonsense installment ends with the Adonis going back to film a scene with Herr Eye Patch and is introduced to a short haired pale skinned goth chick with tats all over her called 'The Strange'. Maybe if she was dressed like a Naughty Dr. Strange with an 'Eye of Cumonahoho' shaped like a poon it would have saved this story or at least made for an interesting cooch-hanger.

I think they need to add these Penthouse Comixx to Writing Program Curriculum so students can be presented with what exactly not to do if you're interested in crafting an engaging story.

 

 

Gun Crazy - Finally they ended the barrage of word death with what I considered one of the most ridiculous fucking premises in the history of premises. I'm still beside myself as to how they came up with this one. So, two Lesbian Lovers, who are not white at all, who meet in the army, decide that they're going to disguise themselves in make-up so that they look white. Then, they're going to strip for the drek of society, who obviously must be in Biker Bars. As they strip their make-up will fade and then what that happens they're going to take out their guns and murder everyone in the bar.

 

 

Here's an idea: Why don't they strip for all the Politicians in DC instead? You're looking for the scum of the earth, well, most of them are there, have at it! It's so banal and reductive it hurt my eyes. Well,  there's zero mention of it or them in this installment, instead we get SuperWhiteMan. A new kind of Racist Superhero dressed in a Ku Klux outfit of some sort who, I dunno, bangs Native American women and then kills them. Oy vey.

Lastly we get a pin-up shoot of some squat, petite Brunette who poses in the dark under a neon sign that says 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'. I'm not sure if that's what you'd do to her if you started dating her or if that's her modus operandi. Yes yes I get that there's a game with the same name yet by the looks of this chick with this type of setting I'm completely freaked out by her and probably won't date another petite brunette for at least, well, okay, I'll date her another one, but, not if she has these psycho eyes. Okay, they all kinda do, okay, well, I'll date her yet ask her explicitly if she's ever murdered anyone, there, see, taking precautions.

It’s apropos that a hot blonde with a beefsteak tomato rumpus would entice me to drop some of my hard earned comic book cashish on this book, those types are usually very good at convincing me to do shit I wouldn’t necessarily do. After reading through these stories I feel yucky. This anthology is like if a hot blonde met me on the street in LA and invited me to a house party. Me, being the goofus and sucker that I can be, probably thought she was interested in me. So I go to the party, I end up having to pay to get in. I meet and talk with 5 different brain dead babes who make zero sense at all and bore me to tears. I find out the blonde has a boyfriend and then I’m stalked by some petite brunette with psycho eyes who forces me to sprint out of the house and evade her in the winding streets of the Hollywood Hills until I get cell reception. Yeesh, what a fucking nightmare. 

 

 

I actually did that once. Some chick at a party in the hills was freaking me out and I had to wander around outside for like 30 minutes until I got reception to call an Uber. After the Uber picked me up I immediately passed her also randomly walking around. Was she also looking for cell reception or was she looking for me to put me in a duffel bag and drag me to Mexico?

 

 

Penthouse, I’m done with your Anthology Disaster. I feel gross, as if I’ve flipped a channel to a hot sensuous sex scene, yet it somehow devolved into a gangbang bukkake fest with a bunch of dudes who look like Klaus Schwab. Now, you did tease the fact that you’ve got a bunch of other projects, that seem more cohesive and interesting, that you’ll be releasing under your imprint. Looks like either some graphic novels, or one-shots, or maybe a monthly, I can’t tell. The subject matter seemed cool. I'm down to give those a shot despite these disasters that cost me $20. It's like I paid for a lapdance and all the Strippers in the club formed a line in front of me and pooted.

 

 

 

Look, the market desperately needs adult, erotic, sexy titles so there is a void that needs filling. Unfortunately, what you’ve filled it with it so far is a floppy dildo made out of the most inane, ridiculous and mind numbing plots known to mankind. Give us some stories that vibrate, characters that tickle our brown eyes and maybe we’ll drop that $10 a month you obviously need to pay psychopathic crazy eyed chicks to do photo-shoots with you.

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill? More like: Read, Fart, Drop.

 

 

RATING: 1.3

VERDICT: Drop and Run

BATMAN: FIRST KNIGHT #2 - Review

 

Upon reading the solicit for this comic I immediately assumed that DC hooked up with some sort of intelligence agency or one of Elon Musk’s mind reading devices that has been targeting my thoughts. Why? Because the basic premise of this book is exactly what I have been craving, as far as a Bats story was concerned, for months if not years. Since nobody ever visits me or talks to me about comic books I have to assume that either there’s some sort of implant in my brain or my little princess is recording my facial expressions and thoughts with her eyes through another sort of implant because there’s no way that DC could have put something like this out without ‘focus grouping’ my thoughts.

 

I know that this blog is garnering attention, now, I’m sure that DC is focusing it’s black ops tech on my brain. I just have to hope that Marvisney doesn’t get wind of this blog. They don’t bother with intelligence agencies or technology. They’ll just kidnap you, bang your booty hole and send you out to a movie premiere with pink hair, a dress and a bewildered look on your face. Yes, they do engage in the whole, put an implant in your tooth and make it seem like you’re being talked to by demons but that’s only if you fight back. After multiple booty hole bangs and premieres you’re not sure which way is up; at least that’s what I’m told.

 

 

At any rate, I was thrilled to see a ‘Depression Era First Days of the Bats’ story hit the stands. I was also thrilled to see that this was getting the Black Label treatment. I then became disgusted when I found out that like all other prestige formats it was only getting 3 issues. Oy! Enough with this 3 Big Issues and you’re done insanity! For goodness sake, I’ve said this over and over, just release a prestige format as ongoing and make it bi-monthly, how hard could it be???

 

I mean, I get it. They already had the Hardcover of these three issues priced at $30 back in November. So what they’re doing is having it done and then releasing it to the comic book geeks in 3 pieces to make extra dough. There’s zero intention to make it ongoing from step one, it’s all about the hardcover, “Take what you can get you monthly losers”, yeah, whatever.

 

As far as this comic was concerned, a couple things struck me immediately. First, Mike Perkins plastered this book with absolutely gorgeous panels page after page. The atmosphere he created with his backgrounds and depiction of 30s New York City was sublime, he totally captured that era to a tee which set the book up perfectly. Secondly, I think that Jergens may have dipped into the 30s vernacular bucket a bit too much. It just felt like every piece of dialogue was dipped in the slang of day. Every other line it was Doll or Toots or Dame or Mooks or Jalopy or Hubbub. Hey, I’m all for finding dialogue where I can use the word kerfuffle but the script seemed saturated with these bon mots. Here's a snippet of the stupendous art:

But the crown jewel of this book? Batman’s Rabbi! Hava Nagila! Wow! Is this the first time a Rabbi has made an appearance in a Bats book? Or any book for that matter? Rabbi Jakob Cohen, oy, what a mensch. Now we know why Batman was able to persevere in the early days, he had Rabbi Cohen there to counsel him and get him through the bumps and bruises. He probably started Batman with the whole ‘Bring me a nice bowl of soup’ routine which is what Alfred seems to do every time Bats is brooding in his cave. Come to think of it, ya think Alfred might be Jewish? Maybe his last name is actually Pennyberg or perhaps he’s really Alfred Retailshmetail, ya never know! Jews change their names all the time.

 

Well as luck would have it, I did some digging in a local library and was able to locate a deleted scene from one of Bob Kane’s early scripts of Batman in Detetctive Comics. I was inspired to know more about Rabbi Jakob Cohen so there I was, clicking through the microfiche machine like I was researching a paper on the Scarlet Letter that was due the next day. Lo and behold, in one of Kane’s personal diaries in a sidebar, were these scribbles. It took me a minute to decipher, but I realized that it was Reb Yaakov as the character, which is another way of saying Rabbi Jacob. Don’t sweat me. So after several hours I took down this scene and here’s how it went as far as I could tell from the faded pencil that Kane used:

 

Rabbi Jacob: So? Nu?

 

Bats: I’m sorry what?

 

Rabbi Jacob: You’ve got a little blood on this outfit, hmm…

 

Bats: Gotham is a violent –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I can get blood out, wine or shmaltz not so much

 

Bats: Rabbi -

 

Rabbi Jacob: Please, call me Jacob

 

Bats: Okay, Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Actually, make it Rabbi Jacob, I think I like that better.

 

Bats: Okay, Rabbi Ja –

 

Rabbi Jacob: The ears seem big for a bat, no? Who put this together for you? My Aunt Bernice is a seamstress, she would do wonders with your Bat idea.

 

Bats: Listen, you have a target on your back and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: I’d rather a target on my back than a monkey or an itch I can’t reach.

 

Bats: I can provide you with protection. I’ve spoken to Gordon and –

 

Rabbi Jacob: What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?

 

Bats: I – I don’t know

 

Rabbi Jacob: A white fish.

 

Bats: A white fish isn’t purple.

 

Rabbi Jacob: This white fish was painted purple

 

Bats: Nobody would hang a fish on the wall.

 

Rabbi Jacob: They hung this fish on the wall.

 

Bats: It’s impossible for a fish to whistle.

 

Rabbi Jacob: Oy, you got me, it doesn’t whistle.

 

Bats: Rabbi Jacob –

 

Rabbi Jacob: Did you hear about Menachem the Tailor on 54^th street and 10^th avenue?

 

Bats: No.

 

Rabbi Jacob: He sits in his shop naked.

 

Bats: Really?

 

Rabbi Jacob: I visited him and there he was sitting naked with a hat on. I asked him why he was sitting naked.

Bats: What did he say?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He said nobody visits my shop I have no customers, it’s fine.

 

Bats: Then why does he wear a hat?

 

Rabbi Jacob: He wears it in case somebody shows up.

 

It ended with a smudged piece of action that could be interpreted as ‘Batman Laughs’ which would be a first in the history of the character. Maybe it’s coughs. Maybe it’s ‘Batman roughs up Rabbi Jacob demanding he give up his secret source of fresh baked bialys’.

 

As far as any gripe for the first two issues, I thought the cliffhanger to the first issue was a bit over the top. It felt way out of place, as if Jergens was looking for something a bit too sensational. Other than that, these issues really delivered the goods and I’m super bummed that this is already going to be over by the end of next issue.

 

However, since this book is done, how about a Rabbi Jakob Cohen spinoff??? Oh c’mon, you know the world is dying to find out what happens to this dude. Who did he marry? Was she a doll or a ditz? Did he help other superheroes in their early daye like the Flash? Did he tell him to slow down and smell the roses once in a while? Did Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth never work on him because he ‘technically was always telling the truth’? The world needs to know.

 

 

 

Instead of The Bat-Man in First Knight you can call it The Rabbi Dude in First Knight of Passover – A Detective Deshmective Comics Guilt Trip. Now that's hotter than bagels fresh out of the oven.

Rating: 9.4

Verdict: Pull & Do the Horah

WONDER WOMAN #7 - Tom King vs DC (The Supes is a Wuss Battle)

 

There is so much to unpack in this issue, I don’t even know where to begin. What is clear, is that this is no ordinary issue but a battle between Corporate Idiocracy and Artistic Integrity; with a little dash of Masonic Ritual thrown in. Tom King is officially on the front lines now in the fight against the Big Poo (DC & Marvisney) and the little comic writer guy. Let’s recap…

 

Tom King’s capes and tights stories in the past have basically all but sucked; sorry Tommy. He’s done some decent work on other indie comics but his biggest splat of poop came with his Batman/Catwoman maxi series. My goodness it was atrocious. It looked amazing but numbed your brain and depleted your wallet. Perhaps he was inspired by my last Tinder date. 

 

 

 

If I’m King, I’m probably facing an existential crisis following that disaster. What the hell am I doing here? I’m like one more series away from turning into an inept version of Matt Fraction. So what does he do? Homie buckles down and starts up Love Everlasting with Image, an absolute Monstrous Grand Slam of a series. 

 

 

DC notices and goes ‘Hmm, King is killing it – without us! This can’t be!’ Now what you have to understand about entities like DC, who operate like the US Govt, is that they don’t want you to thrive anywhere else but under their thumb. They would also rather that you self destruct while under their care so that you’re even more dependent on them for finding a way back. So what does DC do? They give King the keys to Dubz (Wonder Woman). Not only do they give him Dubz they give him Dubz right after their milestone 800^th issue so everybody’s eyes are going to be all over him. DC probably had a straight jacket picked out for him. I bet they assumed he would crap the bed and have a nervous breakdown. Well guess what?

 

King knocked his first Dubz arc out the fucking park. It was the best Dubz story in over a decade. Not only that, Daniel Sampere, drew the shit out of the books. You had to keep flipping back to the cover to make sure it was a DC non-Black Label comic; what a triumph. Now one would think DC would’ve just said:

 

‘Oh well, electro shocking King in his loony bin cell would’ve been fun but hey, his Dubz run is selling like hot cakes, we’ll take the money instead’

 

They don’t do that. They saddle him with a punk ass editor who forces him to use a bunch or ridiculous second-rate loser villains that nobody has ever heard of to battle Dubz at the end of her first story arc. King somehow made it work although there was a point where one of the goofus doofus villains ripped the Washington Monument off of its base and threw it at Dubz; that’s how ridiculous it got. For King to put something so absurd in his wonderful story one would have to assume that DC probably had his nuts in a clamp or a vice – something!

 

 

Despite DC’s effort to sabotage this series I could honestly say I was still looking forward to the next issue. But what happens? We don’t get the next issue in the story, we get this issue. An issue that has nothing to do with what’s been going on. An issue drawn by a completely different artist! A complete fucking bonkers issue where Wonder Woman and Super Man go shopping for a birthday gift for Batman at a mall on another fucking planet.

 

WHAT? HUH?

 

Now, you could argue that ‘Hey, King probably needed a hiatus and DC doesn’t do hiatuses so he just threw this together while he worked on the second arc’. Well, you would be absolutely wrong. I have two theories on what happened with this issue behind the scenes.

 

KING FIGHTS BACK

 

King said ‘Fuck these idiots at DC. They just ruined a perfectly great story with their punk ass villains that Boom! or Dynamite wouldn’t even use in their comics. They don’t do hiatuses so I’m gonna give them this piece of swill and take my power back.

 

It’ll be like an ultimatum: Either get off my back and let me do my thing or you’ll get more Dubz and Supes go shopping and get mani-pedis. I’ve got my ‘Batman and the Flash end up in an Escape Room and can’t get out until Mr. Mxyzptlk rescues them’ issue ready to go. Ya got that DC? Fuck around and find out what I do with the Green Lantern at a spa day.

 

It’s a brilliant move by King, if it is actually his move. He hits the brakes on the story, which isn’t even close to being done, and gets Guillem March to draw him a bonkers AF ‘Supes & Dubz go shopping for Batz on a mall on an alien planet’ story. Real quick on March, it’s clear that when he’s drawing Dubz that if he can’t say ‘Yeah I’d bang her looking like this’ then he ain’t drawing the panel. Every panel with Dubz in it is like soft core porn: she’s bending, she’s pouting, she’s flexing, her mouth is open. You do you March!

Hubba Hubba, droool...

So, did King give DC the bozack or is it…

 

 

DC HUMILIATES KING

 

This is how the Masonic Occult Entertainment Industry works: If you want to get ahead and pass into true stardom you have to be humiliated first. It might mean wearing a dress if you’re an actor or being punked at an award show if you’re a musician or if you’re John Cena wearing a dress and being naked with flip flops at the Oscars. Wonder Woman #7 has a classic humiliation vibe about it. Did DC do this because they recognize King’s greatness now and are putting him through the paces to, I dunno, write the next Dubz movie? Or are they slapping him around like a punk and reminding him who butters his biscuit?

 

How is this comic a humiliation ritual? First of all, this is the type of comic you’d get at a retail store for free back in the day. Like, in the 70s or 80s if you spent enough at a Stop & Shop or Kmart they’d give you a free Spidey comic which had a crap ton of ads and a goofalicious story. Or maybe your Dentist would give you one of these free cheap corny comics at his office as he filled your mouth with Mercury. You were a kid and didn’t care. But now, DC just put King’s name on a comic that reeks of a cheap comic freebie.

 

One could also argue that Supes in this issue is symbolic of Tom King since Supes is made to look like a whiny little frou frou girly dude from start to finish. Maybe while King’s nuts were in a clamp DC Editors taunted him and said:

 

DC: ‘Not only are we gonna put your name on this piece of swill but your favorite character of all time, who you want to write one day, is gonna get a Mani Pedi with Dubz’

 

King: You wouldn’t dare!

 

DC: Show him the March panels

 

King sees the Mani Pedi scene

 

King: You Monsters!

 

The DC Editors slobber over the Dubz art.

 

King: Jesus! You turned Wonder Woman into an Only Fans streamer

 

The DC Editors dry hump the Dubz panels while King openly weeps.

 

 

My goodness, what the hell did they do to Supes? Right off the bat Supes and Dubz go to a coffer bar in the Alien Mall. Supes orders a “Decaf Coconut Milk Latte with Four Pumps of Caramel, Whipped Cream and Butterscotch Drizzle and a Coffee Black”. Somehow the Latte is pink despite the fact that there are no pinkish ingredients in it. Supes takes the girly girl drink and Dubz takes the ‘put some hair on your chest drink’. So Supes avoids the caffeine yet is okay with, I dunno, 750g of sugar? What message is that sending??

 

Of course next a Monster Alien has to find a tiny piece of Kryptonite so that Dubz can rescue Supes. I mean, throughout this issue is seems like Supes is glancing down the whole time, beating around the bush or frowning. He looks like me trying to figure out how to get a pretentious Creative Director on Raya to respond to my bland opening message. Then we get another scene of Supes ingesting something Pink, this time it’s ice-cream, while Dubz is having something Vanilla. Really? Like, how many pink ice-cream flavors in the Universe are there? Two? Three? I suppose it’s a Soy Oat Double Labia Spritzed Bubblegum Flavor with Blue Ball Sprinkles.

 

Next we get this:

 

 

The justification being that this nail salon on this planet is the only with the proper instruments with the firepower to get Supes’ nails done right. Supes, let me introduce you to a place called K-Town in La La Land. Just wander into any of the nail salons there and you’ll be greeted by a gaggle of elder Korean women who have every manner of tool to grind away at any finger nail or toe nail in the Universe while they gossip about you in front of your face.

 

Then after Dubz joins Supes for a Pedicure we find him sitting on the floor surrounded by kittens while Dubz looks on. She’s probably wondering at this point ‘Maybe my birthday gift to Bats is just me showing up drawn by Guillem March with a couple of black coffees with no Dubz panties on’. The issue ends with Supes and Dubz taking goofy pix in a photo booth for Bats.

 

Let me tell you something, as someone who has been put in the Friend Zone more times than Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Walter Payton have found the End Zone, this is traumatizing/soul crushing Friend Zone behavior by Supes. You’re taking a Hot Babe with you to find a gift for a Dark Brooding Asshole who likes bad girls. The Babe is like ‘I really shouldn’t go out with the Asshole, I should be with the Good Guy, he’ll treat me better’. Once the Pink Drink is ordered her Pink Trinket is closed for business and all she’s wondering about now is ‘How can I change the Asshole into a somewhat nice guy after he bangs the living bejeezus outta me?’.

 

I don’t read Superman at all, is he always this much of a loser around chicks? Maybe King wasn’t traumatized by Supes in this issue. Maybe he was like ‘Yeah, and?’. If this is King’s ‘Eff you DC’ issue, maybe he was thinking ‘I’m gonna take Wussbag Supes and write a ‘Queer Eye for the Krypton Guy’ issue. Now before anyone rakes me over the coals for being, I dunno, a non-inclusive straight d-bag, I’d like you take video of a guy who’s interested in a hot babe engaging in the same activities as SuperMan does in this issue. If you can provide video evidence that you can buy a frou frou coffee drink, eat pink ice-cream, cavort with Kittens and urge said Hot Babe to get a Mani-Pedi with you and still end up somehow being her boyfriend or bangfriend – then I will agree with your assessment of me.

 

 

As it stands, this issue is a mind boggling assault on the senses. I’m sure once the dust settles they’ll create a docu-series about it on Netflix many years from now, detailing the epic battle between King and DC. In the meantime, we can only root for King, root for more Softcore March Dubz panels, and root for more guys acting like Supes does around hot babes – because it gives short guys who drink their coffee black an actual fucking chance.

 

 

Rating: 9.3 for Hot Dubz Panels, 2.2 for Supes Self Care Day

Verdict: Batman Bangs Dubz in the Unreleased #7.5 Issue 

April '24 Reading Round Up

 

Lots of comics to get into, no time for a cranky preamble. Let's go!

 

 

Not sure what the point of Batman: Dark Age is other than to bank more money on top of the Superman: Space Age comic that came out last year and employed the same creative team. That was, mmmm - interesting and pretty decent; nothing jaw dropping but I enjoyed it a bit. This? This was a yawn. The problem with Allred is that he draws compelling visually stimulating backdrops but the faces of his characters almost all look the same. It would work for an art gallery but it doesn’t work for a sequential art book that requires a distinct narrative. I feel like all of his male leads look like Marlon Brando. Maybe he should write a comic for Image called ‘Brando’ where all the men in the world turn into Marlon Brandos. This book has the feel of a George Jetson future coupled with the back alleys of a grimy New York of the 60s. It’s another Bats origin story and there’s nothing necessarily different going on here except Bats meets Selina at a police station while being arrested for running around as a drunk teen. It reminded me of the scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where Jennifer Grey met a strung out Charlie Sheen.

 

 

Unfortunately the scene in this book was as entertaining as anything Charlie Sheen has done in the past decade, meaning it wasn’t. It just all feels unnecessary and a bit goofy. The comic starts with Bruce in an old folks home where he apparently has amnesia. He’s given a book with blank pages and is told to remember his life. If I were him, I’d just pick up any old Batman comic from the past 50 years since his story is told over and over and over and fucking over. Maybe this was DC’s way of sticking it to Marvel since Marvel is eventually coming out with a MiracleMan: Dark Age book. Who knows. What I do know is for $6 you could buy Titan’s Savage Sword of Conan and get an oversized beautifully crafted anthology of wonderful tales and art. I’d rather have 6 SSOC’s than 6 of Marlon Bat-Do. This was poop in a bowl where somehow all the poops look the same. 

 

 

 

Just another reminder that if you’re not reading Love Everlasting you’re either a Communist or someone who doesn’t like dogs. Seriously, this has turned into one of the best ongoing series out there for the past couple of years running. Unlike Jeff Lemire, who just makes shit weirder and weirder to entice you to keep following his books, King has masterfully developed this world bit by bit revealing a smidge here and there, month by month. We’re getting close to finding out what’s going on and the slow burn of anticipation is what monthly comics are all about. This reminds me a bit of ‘Severance’ one of the best TV shows ever that came out a few years ago; the world building and slow reveal of what was going on was perfectly executed. With this, Dubz and Wyndhorn as his current ongoing series, King is on an absolute tear.

 

 

 

Ultimate Spidey 3 was fun, nothing special, but an enjoyable read. Feels like Hickman is buttoning down the hatches on releasing or revealing anything too earth shattering as of right now; it’s basically three issues of set-up. One gripe that I have is this: How the hell are they calling what Harry Osborn looks like when he’s flying around on his little heli-scooter, The Green Goblin? This is an alternate Universe where Spidey never existed right? So there’s no early version of Double G right? Does that thing right underneath look like a Green Goblin to you?

 

 

 

Of course it fucking doesn’t! It looks like a Green Robot with a Bela Lugosi haircut. It looks like Iron Man and the She Hulk had a baby. Maybe they should call it the Iron Hulk. I don’t see Tony Stark ever hooking up with the She Hulk, she’s definitely not his type. He likes ‘em blonde and petite or when he needs that dominant heel in the neck like most multi billionaires need, he goes for those crazy Russian chicks. Anyway, I’m still pulling a Marvisney book after three issues which says something. Still, a talentless hack editor is probably lurking over Hickman waiting to ruin the story somehow or give Spidey some tits.

 

 

 

 

Despite there being only one issue left, I’m gonna have to say buh bye to Red Light, the AI Hooker mini-series. It just devolved into a poop-arific gore fest. I think the creative team had a real solid premise on their hands but they took too many shortcuts with violence rather than actually delving into the nuts and bolts of what it means for a sentient robot to want to be free; that’s fucking interesting! What’s not interesting is reading about two douchebags having a cock fight over a ho, an AI Ho at that. I’m also very disturbed by the fact that the AI Hooker decided to give herself a butch haircut once she escaped. Why is it that women who think they’re free of the patriarchy or whatever decide to chop off their beautiful hair??? How is that giving loser dudes the finger? What about all the great amazing guys who are waiting for you on the other side of your oppressive existence who can’t wait to run their fingers through your long luxurious locks? I can tell you right now, those guys are NOT thrilled with your Billy Idol haircuts at all. Anyway, maybe I’ll need to write the AI Hooker story this planet obviously needs. I've probably already been on a Raya date with one of them, that would totally be on brand for that app.

 

 

 

 

I really hope Bendis & Co. pull a ‘Pearl’ and just keep extending Masterpiece for 12-18 more issues despite the fact that it says there’s only 6 issues in this series. I feel like they’re just starting this book up and there’s way more to go than a couple of issues. Maybe they’re just playing the trade paperback game like so many publishers do rather than the ongoing series game. I don’t know how Bendis fared with Supes over at DC but sounds like it was a complete bust. The guy just knows how to write the shit outta indie comics with unique stories; maybe he should just stick to them. Although, yes, his Daredevil was a Masterpiece with Maleev. This isn’t necessarily a masterpiece but there’s something about a Bendis Book where you feel like everyone is contributing and given the opportunity to shine. Case in point, this issue. As I’m reading this I’m saying to myself ‘Wow, the letterer of this story is really kicking ass, I feel like he’s totally getting the dynamics of the dialogue’. I can’t remember the last time I was noticing a comic letterer even though I know how integral they are to a book. So, kudos to Josh Reed the letterer of this comic book. You’re killing it homie! I can’t say there are any other letterers that come to mind that really stand out. Oh! That Hassan guy, what’s his name? Lemme look, yeah, Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou, he’s a fucking great letterer. I feel like letterers are the offensive linemen of comic books. You don’t hear about them often but without them you aren’t running a play or making a book. Bendis officially the Patron Saint of Left Tackles in the Comic Biz.

 

 

 

 

We are witnessing one of the great Comic Scribe Streaks in the history of the medium. Everything that King puts his words to these days is turning out to be pure gold. Over the past 20 years who’s come close to this slew of wow books, Snyder, Hickman, Lemire, Fraction maybe? Right now King is the King of the Comic Roost. Helen of Wyndhorn cements him at the top of the heap of the industry. From the opening page you realize you’ve got something special in your hands. Though the subject matter is way different, this reminds me of one of the most spectacular comics of the past 25 years ‘The Unwritten’, do you remember that one? Whatever happened to those dudes? Just the look and feel of the pages conveys a elevated story beyond what normal books seem to offer. Bilquis Evely is an absolute magician with her art. Her pages just draw you in and capture your imagination. I don’t know what happened to King after his Batman/Catwoman debacle but he obviously drew a line in the sand and decided that not only was he not going to put out unadulterated middling poop anymore but that he was going to swat each of his projects straight to the moon. As Ralph Kramden would say ‘Bang Zoom!’.

 

 

The final installment of Deep Cuts, a delightful set of jazz vignettes, was a bit of a clunker despite its ambitious attempt to unify all the stories in this series as one. I get what they were trying to do, which was create a through line between the fictional jazz artists they created in earlier issues to connect with the Musician who was the focus of this issue, but they definitely fell short of the mark. Maybe if you read this story in the trade paperback after having read the previous 5 stories all in a row it would’ve hit but since there was a 7 frikkin’ month layoff between Issue #3 and Issue #4, I had a real hard time trying to remember who they were talking about. Hiatuses suck. They really flush the story from your mind. Unless you’re waiting on some incredible cliff hanger you’re not going to remember fuck all as far as what a comic was doing over half a year ago. Ask me if I know what the hell is going on in Saga right now? No fucking clue. So all the references and names the creators dropped in this issue were lost on me. The crown jewel of this mini series is still Issue #5 which you could buy on its own and forgo the others if you wanted. I hope this inspires more comics to delve into and mine the landscape of musical artists and genres; the subject matter is ripe for the picking. As for these six issues, it was an enjoyable bee bop through a musical comic and a definite Dubya for the creative team.

 

Hmm, I think I’m onto Lemire. Look, he’s a bad ass, that’s for sure. You see his name on a book you get it and ask questions later. Yet I find it a bit puzzling how he would drop two books at the same time that would utilize the same device. So he’s got this one, FishFlies, as well as Phantom Road currently out on the stands. Phantom Road is basically a Stanger Things ‘Upside Down World’ deal.  It’s dope, but, yeah, there’s a world that looks like ours but different, mmkay gotcha. Now after 5 issues the dude that turned into an Enormous Fly in this book, looked at his reflection in the water towards the end, and, poof! He’s gone. Then the little girl who’s befriended and escaped with him goes and looks at the same spot in the water, and, well waddya know, she’s in another world that looks like hers but isn’t. C’mon bro. Like, didn’t one of your editors mention to you something like ‘Yo, this is the same shit homie’. Or were they too busy lining up to worship at the Lemire taint as they are wont to do at Image? Again, not dropping any of these books at all, but definitely a bit of a smudge on the great Lemire.

 

 

That's all I got! Happy Reading!