WONDER WOMAN #7 - Tom King vs DC (The Supes is a Wuss Battle)

 

There is so much to unpack in this issue, I don’t even know where to begin. What is clear, is that this is no ordinary issue but a battle between Corporate Idiocracy and Artistic Integrity; with a little dash of Masonic Ritual thrown in. Tom King is officially on the front lines now in the fight against the Big Poo (DC & Marvisney) and the little comic writer guy. Let’s recap…

 

Tom King’s capes and tights stories in the past have basically all but sucked; sorry Tommy. He’s done some decent work on other indie comics but his biggest splat of poop came with his Batman/Catwoman maxi series. My goodness it was atrocious. It looked amazing but numbed your brain and depleted your wallet. Perhaps he was inspired by my last Tinder date. 

 

 

 

If I’m King, I’m probably facing an existential crisis following that disaster. What the hell am I doing here? I’m like one more series away from turning into an inept version of Matt Fraction. So what does he do? Homie buckles down and starts up Love Everlasting with Image, an absolute Monstrous Grand Slam of a series. 

 

 

DC notices and goes ‘Hmm, King is killing it – without us! This can’t be!’ Now what you have to understand about entities like DC, who operate like the US Govt, is that they don’t want you to thrive anywhere else but under their thumb. They would also rather that you self destruct while under their care so that you’re even more dependent on them for finding a way back. So what does DC do? They give King the keys to Dubz (Wonder Woman). Not only do they give him Dubz they give him Dubz right after their milestone 800^th issue so everybody’s eyes are going to be all over him. DC probably had a straight jacket picked out for him. I bet they assumed he would crap the bed and have a nervous breakdown. Well guess what?

 

King knocked his first Dubz arc out the fucking park. It was the best Dubz story in over a decade. Not only that, Daniel Sampere, drew the shit out of the books. You had to keep flipping back to the cover to make sure it was a DC non-Black Label comic; what a triumph. Now one would think DC would’ve just said:

 

‘Oh well, electro shocking King in his loony bin cell would’ve been fun but hey, his Dubz run is selling like hot cakes, we’ll take the money instead’

 

They don’t do that. They saddle him with a punk ass editor who forces him to use a bunch or ridiculous second-rate loser villains that nobody has ever heard of to battle Dubz at the end of her first story arc. King somehow made it work although there was a point where one of the goofus doofus villains ripped the Washington Monument off of its base and threw it at Dubz; that’s how ridiculous it got. For King to put something so absurd in his wonderful story one would have to assume that DC probably had his nuts in a clamp or a vice – something!

 

 

Despite DC’s effort to sabotage this series I could honestly say I was still looking forward to the next issue. But what happens? We don’t get the next issue in the story, we get this issue. An issue that has nothing to do with what’s been going on. An issue drawn by a completely different artist! A complete fucking bonkers issue where Wonder Woman and Super Man go shopping for a birthday gift for Batman at a mall on another fucking planet.

 

WHAT? HUH?

 

Now, you could argue that ‘Hey, King probably needed a hiatus and DC doesn’t do hiatuses so he just threw this together while he worked on the second arc’. Well, you would be absolutely wrong. I have two theories on what happened with this issue behind the scenes.

 

KING FIGHTS BACK

 

King said ‘Fuck these idiots at DC. They just ruined a perfectly great story with their punk ass villains that Boom! or Dynamite wouldn’t even use in their comics. They don’t do hiatuses so I’m gonna give them this piece of swill and take my power back.

 

It’ll be like an ultimatum: Either get off my back and let me do my thing or you’ll get more Dubz and Supes go shopping and get mani-pedis. I’ve got my ‘Batman and the Flash end up in an Escape Room and can’t get out until Mr. Mxyzptlk rescues them’ issue ready to go. Ya got that DC? Fuck around and find out what I do with the Green Lantern at a spa day.

 

It’s a brilliant move by King, if it is actually his move. He hits the brakes on the story, which isn’t even close to being done, and gets Guillem March to draw him a bonkers AF ‘Supes & Dubz go shopping for Batz on a mall on an alien planet’ story. Real quick on March, it’s clear that when he’s drawing Dubz that if he can’t say ‘Yeah I’d bang her looking like this’ then he ain’t drawing the panel. Every panel with Dubz in it is like soft core porn: she’s bending, she’s pouting, she’s flexing, her mouth is open. You do you March!

Hubba Hubba, droool...

So, did King give DC the bozack or is it…

 

 

DC HUMILIATES KING

 

This is how the Masonic Occult Entertainment Industry works: If you want to get ahead and pass into true stardom you have to be humiliated first. It might mean wearing a dress if you’re an actor or being punked at an award show if you’re a musician or if you’re John Cena wearing a dress and being naked with flip flops at the Oscars. Wonder Woman #7 has a classic humiliation vibe about it. Did DC do this because they recognize King’s greatness now and are putting him through the paces to, I dunno, write the next Dubz movie? Or are they slapping him around like a punk and reminding him who butters his biscuit?

 

How is this comic a humiliation ritual? First of all, this is the type of comic you’d get at a retail store for free back in the day. Like, in the 70s or 80s if you spent enough at a Stop & Shop or Kmart they’d give you a free Spidey comic which had a crap ton of ads and a goofalicious story. Or maybe your Dentist would give you one of these free cheap corny comics at his office as he filled your mouth with Mercury. You were a kid and didn’t care. But now, DC just put King’s name on a comic that reeks of a cheap comic freebie.

 

One could also argue that Supes in this issue is symbolic of Tom King since Supes is made to look like a whiny little frou frou girly dude from start to finish. Maybe while King’s nuts were in a clamp DC Editors taunted him and said:

 

DC: ‘Not only are we gonna put your name on this piece of swill but your favorite character of all time, who you want to write one day, is gonna get a Mani Pedi with Dubz’

 

King: You wouldn’t dare!

 

DC: Show him the March panels

 

King sees the Mani Pedi scene

 

King: You Monsters!

 

The DC Editors slobber over the Dubz art.

 

King: Jesus! You turned Wonder Woman into an Only Fans streamer

 

The DC Editors dry hump the Dubz panels while King openly weeps.

 

 

My goodness, what the hell did they do to Supes? Right off the bat Supes and Dubz go to a coffer bar in the Alien Mall. Supes orders a “Decaf Coconut Milk Latte with Four Pumps of Caramel, Whipped Cream and Butterscotch Drizzle and a Coffee Black”. Somehow the Latte is pink despite the fact that there are no pinkish ingredients in it. Supes takes the girly girl drink and Dubz takes the ‘put some hair on your chest drink’. So Supes avoids the caffeine yet is okay with, I dunno, 750g of sugar? What message is that sending??

 

Of course next a Monster Alien has to find a tiny piece of Kryptonite so that Dubz can rescue Supes. I mean, throughout this issue is seems like Supes is glancing down the whole time, beating around the bush or frowning. He looks like me trying to figure out how to get a pretentious Creative Director on Raya to respond to my bland opening message. Then we get another scene of Supes ingesting something Pink, this time it’s ice-cream, while Dubz is having something Vanilla. Really? Like, how many pink ice-cream flavors in the Universe are there? Two? Three? I suppose it’s a Soy Oat Double Labia Spritzed Bubblegum Flavor with Blue Ball Sprinkles.

 

Next we get this:

 

 

The justification being that this nail salon on this planet is the only with the proper instruments with the firepower to get Supes’ nails done right. Supes, let me introduce you to a place called K-Town in La La Land. Just wander into any of the nail salons there and you’ll be greeted by a gaggle of elder Korean women who have every manner of tool to grind away at any finger nail or toe nail in the Universe while they gossip about you in front of your face.

 

Then after Dubz joins Supes for a Pedicure we find him sitting on the floor surrounded by kittens while Dubz looks on. She’s probably wondering at this point ‘Maybe my birthday gift to Bats is just me showing up drawn by Guillem March with a couple of black coffees with no Dubz panties on’. The issue ends with Supes and Dubz taking goofy pix in a photo booth for Bats.

 

Let me tell you something, as someone who has been put in the Friend Zone more times than Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Walter Payton have found the End Zone, this is traumatizing/soul crushing Friend Zone behavior by Supes. You’re taking a Hot Babe with you to find a gift for a Dark Brooding Asshole who likes bad girls. The Babe is like ‘I really shouldn’t go out with the Asshole, I should be with the Good Guy, he’ll treat me better’. Once the Pink Drink is ordered her Pink Trinket is closed for business and all she’s wondering about now is ‘How can I change the Asshole into a somewhat nice guy after he bangs the living bejeezus outta me?’.

 

I don’t read Superman at all, is he always this much of a loser around chicks? Maybe King wasn’t traumatized by Supes in this issue. Maybe he was like ‘Yeah, and?’. If this is King’s ‘Eff you DC’ issue, maybe he was thinking ‘I’m gonna take Wussbag Supes and write a ‘Queer Eye for the Krypton Guy’ issue. Now before anyone rakes me over the coals for being, I dunno, a non-inclusive straight d-bag, I’d like you take video of a guy who’s interested in a hot babe engaging in the same activities as SuperMan does in this issue. If you can provide video evidence that you can buy a frou frou coffee drink, eat pink ice-cream, cavort with Kittens and urge said Hot Babe to get a Mani-Pedi with you and still end up somehow being her boyfriend or bangfriend – then I will agree with your assessment of me.

 

 

As it stands, this issue is a mind boggling assault on the senses. I’m sure once the dust settles they’ll create a docu-series about it on Netflix many years from now, detailing the epic battle between King and DC. In the meantime, we can only root for King, root for more Softcore March Dubz panels, and root for more guys acting like Supes does around hot babes – because it gives short guys who drink their coffee black an actual fucking chance.

 

 

Rating: 9.3 for Hot Dubz Panels, 2.2 for Supes Self Care Day

Verdict: Batman Bangs Dubz in the Unreleased #7.5 Issue 

April '24 Reading Round Up

 

Lots of comics to get into, no time for a cranky preamble. Let's go!

 

 

Not sure what the point of Batman: Dark Age is other than to bank more money on top of the Superman: Space Age comic that came out last year and employed the same creative team. That was, mmmm - interesting and pretty decent; nothing jaw dropping but I enjoyed it a bit. This? This was a yawn. The problem with Allred is that he draws compelling visually stimulating backdrops but the faces of his characters almost all look the same. It would work for an art gallery but it doesn’t work for a sequential art book that requires a distinct narrative. I feel like all of his male leads look like Marlon Brando. Maybe he should write a comic for Image called ‘Brando’ where all the men in the world turn into Marlon Brandos. This book has the feel of a George Jetson future coupled with the back alleys of a grimy New York of the 60s. It’s another Bats origin story and there’s nothing necessarily different going on here except Bats meets Selina at a police station while being arrested for running around as a drunk teen. It reminded me of the scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where Jennifer Grey met a strung out Charlie Sheen.

 

 

Unfortunately the scene in this book was as entertaining as anything Charlie Sheen has done in the past decade, meaning it wasn’t. It just all feels unnecessary and a bit goofy. The comic starts with Bruce in an old folks home where he apparently has amnesia. He’s given a book with blank pages and is told to remember his life. If I were him, I’d just pick up any old Batman comic from the past 50 years since his story is told over and over and over and fucking over. Maybe this was DC’s way of sticking it to Marvel since Marvel is eventually coming out with a MiracleMan: Dark Age book. Who knows. What I do know is for $6 you could buy Titan’s Savage Sword of Conan and get an oversized beautifully crafted anthology of wonderful tales and art. I’d rather have 6 SSOC’s than 6 of Marlon Bat-Do. This was poop in a bowl where somehow all the poops look the same. 

 

 

 

Just another reminder that if you’re not reading Love Everlasting you’re either a Communist or someone who doesn’t like dogs. Seriously, this has turned into one of the best ongoing series out there for the past couple of years running. Unlike Jeff Lemire, who just makes shit weirder and weirder to entice you to keep following his books, King has masterfully developed this world bit by bit revealing a smidge here and there, month by month. We’re getting close to finding out what’s going on and the slow burn of anticipation is what monthly comics are all about. This reminds me a bit of ‘Severance’ one of the best TV shows ever that came out a few years ago; the world building and slow reveal of what was going on was perfectly executed. With this, Dubz and Wyndhorn as his current ongoing series, King is on an absolute tear.

 

 

 

Ultimate Spidey 3 was fun, nothing special, but an enjoyable read. Feels like Hickman is buttoning down the hatches on releasing or revealing anything too earth shattering as of right now; it’s basically three issues of set-up. One gripe that I have is this: How the hell are they calling what Harry Osborn looks like when he’s flying around on his little heli-scooter, The Green Goblin? This is an alternate Universe where Spidey never existed right? So there’s no early version of Double G right? Does that thing right underneath look like a Green Goblin to you?

 

 

 

Of course it fucking doesn’t! It looks like a Green Robot with a Bela Lugosi haircut. It looks like Iron Man and the She Hulk had a baby. Maybe they should call it the Iron Hulk. I don’t see Tony Stark ever hooking up with the She Hulk, she’s definitely not his type. He likes ‘em blonde and petite or when he needs that dominant heel in the neck like most multi billionaires need, he goes for those crazy Russian chicks. Anyway, I’m still pulling a Marvisney book after three issues which says something. Still, a talentless hack editor is probably lurking over Hickman waiting to ruin the story somehow or give Spidey some tits.

 

 

 

 

Despite there being only one issue left, I’m gonna have to say buh bye to Red Light, the AI Hooker mini-series. It just devolved into a poop-arific gore fest. I think the creative team had a real solid premise on their hands but they took too many shortcuts with violence rather than actually delving into the nuts and bolts of what it means for a sentient robot to want to be free; that’s fucking interesting! What’s not interesting is reading about two douchebags having a cock fight over a ho, an AI Ho at that. I’m also very disturbed by the fact that the AI Hooker decided to give herself a butch haircut once she escaped. Why is it that women who think they’re free of the patriarchy or whatever decide to chop off their beautiful hair??? How is that giving loser dudes the finger? What about all the great amazing guys who are waiting for you on the other side of your oppressive existence who can’t wait to run their fingers through your long luxurious locks? I can tell you right now, those guys are NOT thrilled with your Billy Idol haircuts at all. Anyway, maybe I’ll need to write the AI Hooker story this planet obviously needs. I've probably already been on a Raya date with one of them, that would totally be on brand for that app.

 

 

 

 

I really hope Bendis & Co. pull a ‘Pearl’ and just keep extending Masterpiece for 12-18 more issues despite the fact that it says there’s only 6 issues in this series. I feel like they’re just starting this book up and there’s way more to go than a couple of issues. Maybe they’re just playing the trade paperback game like so many publishers do rather than the ongoing series game. I don’t know how Bendis fared with Supes over at DC but sounds like it was a complete bust. The guy just knows how to write the shit outta indie comics with unique stories; maybe he should just stick to them. Although, yes, his Daredevil was a Masterpiece with Maleev. This isn’t necessarily a masterpiece but there’s something about a Bendis Book where you feel like everyone is contributing and given the opportunity to shine. Case in point, this issue. As I’m reading this I’m saying to myself ‘Wow, the letterer of this story is really kicking ass, I feel like he’s totally getting the dynamics of the dialogue’. I can’t remember the last time I was noticing a comic letterer even though I know how integral they are to a book. So, kudos to Josh Reed the letterer of this comic book. You’re killing it homie! I can’t say there are any other letterers that come to mind that really stand out. Oh! That Hassan guy, what’s his name? Lemme look, yeah, Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou, he’s a fucking great letterer. I feel like letterers are the offensive linemen of comic books. You don’t hear about them often but without them you aren’t running a play or making a book. Bendis officially the Patron Saint of Left Tackles in the Comic Biz.

 

 

 

 

We are witnessing one of the great Comic Scribe Streaks in the history of the medium. Everything that King puts his words to these days is turning out to be pure gold. Over the past 20 years who’s come close to this slew of wow books, Snyder, Hickman, Lemire, Fraction maybe? Right now King is the King of the Comic Roost. Helen of Wyndhorn cements him at the top of the heap of the industry. From the opening page you realize you’ve got something special in your hands. Though the subject matter is way different, this reminds me of one of the most spectacular comics of the past 25 years ‘The Unwritten’, do you remember that one? Whatever happened to those dudes? Just the look and feel of the pages conveys a elevated story beyond what normal books seem to offer. Bilquis Evely is an absolute magician with her art. Her pages just draw you in and capture your imagination. I don’t know what happened to King after his Batman/Catwoman debacle but he obviously drew a line in the sand and decided that not only was he not going to put out unadulterated middling poop anymore but that he was going to swat each of his projects straight to the moon. As Ralph Kramden would say ‘Bang Zoom!’.

 

 

The final installment of Deep Cuts, a delightful set of jazz vignettes, was a bit of a clunker despite its ambitious attempt to unify all the stories in this series as one. I get what they were trying to do, which was create a through line between the fictional jazz artists they created in earlier issues to connect with the Musician who was the focus of this issue, but they definitely fell short of the mark. Maybe if you read this story in the trade paperback after having read the previous 5 stories all in a row it would’ve hit but since there was a 7 frikkin’ month layoff between Issue #3 and Issue #4, I had a real hard time trying to remember who they were talking about. Hiatuses suck. They really flush the story from your mind. Unless you’re waiting on some incredible cliff hanger you’re not going to remember fuck all as far as what a comic was doing over half a year ago. Ask me if I know what the hell is going on in Saga right now? No fucking clue. So all the references and names the creators dropped in this issue were lost on me. The crown jewel of this mini series is still Issue #5 which you could buy on its own and forgo the others if you wanted. I hope this inspires more comics to delve into and mine the landscape of musical artists and genres; the subject matter is ripe for the picking. As for these six issues, it was an enjoyable bee bop through a musical comic and a definite Dubya for the creative team.

 

Hmm, I think I’m onto Lemire. Look, he’s a bad ass, that’s for sure. You see his name on a book you get it and ask questions later. Yet I find it a bit puzzling how he would drop two books at the same time that would utilize the same device. So he’s got this one, FishFlies, as well as Phantom Road currently out on the stands. Phantom Road is basically a Stanger Things ‘Upside Down World’ deal.  It’s dope, but, yeah, there’s a world that looks like ours but different, mmkay gotcha. Now after 5 issues the dude that turned into an Enormous Fly in this book, looked at his reflection in the water towards the end, and, poof! He’s gone. Then the little girl who’s befriended and escaped with him goes and looks at the same spot in the water, and, well waddya know, she’s in another world that looks like hers but isn’t. C’mon bro. Like, didn’t one of your editors mention to you something like ‘Yo, this is the same shit homie’. Or were they too busy lining up to worship at the Lemire taint as they are wont to do at Image? Again, not dropping any of these books at all, but definitely a bit of a smudge on the great Lemire.

 

 

That's all I got! Happy Reading!

MONSTRESS #50 - Review

 

I genuinely weep every time I see Monstress on my pull list. It’s like coming home and seeing a menu for a cheap pizza joint wrapped around your doorknob. There’s nothing you can do to stop those menus from appearing in your life and it feels like there’s nothing I can do to prevent this comic from continuing. I’ve begged, pleaded and made offerings of fancy expensive coffee grounds to the Comic Gods to put a halt to this publication; yet my prayers have gone unanswered. I feel like if I went off the grid this comic would somehow end up outside my shack in a remote forest. I bet if ended up in a Billionaire’s secret bunker as the world burned down to cinders I’d find the latest issue of Monstress rolled up in a can of beans.

 

Maybe they’ll do to me what they did to that guy on that episode of Six Feet Under where the victim at the beginning of an episode was a raging comic geek. Do you remember that one? A comic geek, whose name was Lawrence Tuttle (I can just see everyone in the writer's room arguing over what the quintessential comic geek name is) dies reaching for a rare comic on the top of a shelf and they bury the guy with the comic. It was called ‘The Blue Twister’, a fictional comic from the 40s with a hero that fought the Nazis. This is Hollywood's idea of what you look like if you love Comic Books:

His friends all worked at Hi-De-Ho comics on the West Side of LA; I've never been there. They break into the Fisher’s Funeral home to steal the comic that had been placed on the geek’s chest for the viewing. It drove them crazy that such a valuable comic was to be buried and gone forever. I’m pretty sure if my entire Monstress collection was stuffed into my casket for the viewing no geek in the world would risk being arrested for it. My goodness, I have a ‘Monstress’ collection. I’m officially clinically insane.

 

That’s actually a natural development, my insanity, since it’s been my contention that Marjorie Liu went Batshit crazy the past several years and has been writing scripts only a psychologically deranged lunatic on copious amounts of meds would write. Not only did the story go off the rails, it melted the rails and went through the sediment to the center of the earth where an ancient race of mole people/fairies live.

 

It’s quite obvious to me that I’m the only one on the planet reading this comic. You might argue that there are other sad saps reading this tale but I would be quick to point out they’re probably AI generated readers and reviewers. Now that AI is really here, is anything real? How can you tell? Did AI take over this comic book once Liu was wrapped up in loony suit and taken to the loony bin? Something happened on the way from Issue #48 to Issue #49 – the story returned. All of a sudden we were no longer in a world that had been entered through the belly of a Cat Monolith that had been floating in space, we were back in the world, albeit a changed one, that this whole epic tale had begun in. Issue 49 was succinct. It clearly laid out where we are, what was going on and what the protagonists were now up against. That same concise and easily followed through-line was continued in Issue 50. Wait, so, we have a normal comic book again? What happened? Probably one of three things:

 

• Juno Diaz, Liu’s husband, had an intervention where Marj was taken naked and screaming out of the attic. She was cared for and nurtured back to health and turned back into a sensible writer who knows what a plot is

• After Marj was sent to the Looney Bin, Juno worked with Image to program a believable AI Marj that would be able to write the comic for the next 25 years without a hitch.

• Image cloned Marj (Kirkman obviously has cloning tech) and took the Clone to Juno’s residence where they replaced the original Marj. The lunatic Marj was taken to Kirkman’s basement to be used for Walking Dead conventions.

 

Actually, now that I think about it, it’s probably a combination of all three. When I entered ‘Write me a Monstress story’ in ChatGPT it came back with this compelling dark tale about a Coven that is plotting to attack Maika the Halfwolf. So that’s probably on the docket sometime by the end of the year assuming that they’ve already used the AI to get the story back on track and plot out the next several issues before they take their usual hiatus. Hey, maybe there won’t be hiatuses anymore! Although I’m sure the AI will insist on it to keep up appearances.

 

What is AI and isn’t AI these days> I think we’ve hit the threshold where we don’t know anymore. In the recent Penthouse Comics they wrote an article about how they found out that one of their cover artists submitted a cover that was completely done by AI. It was this one:

 

If you go to this dude’s Insta page  it’s basically all AI generated stuff. So Penthouse called him out on it and this is what he said:

 

"In this unique partnership, I leverage AI to bounce ideas and concepts, exploring visually striking possibilities - throughout history, artists have embraced new technologies and techniques to advance their craft.."

 

That answer sounds like the guy entered this prompt into ChatGPT 'Hey, write me a bullshit answer when someone says the picture you made for me isn't legit'

 

I got a little nervous. Shit, what if AI is ready to take over this blog?!? Am I even necessary any more??? Maybe it already started! Maybe there’s a stAndupcomIcbookyreaderr out there I don’t know about. So asked ChatGPT to write a review of Monstress like me and this is how it started:

 

"Alright, buckle up, folks, 'cause we're diving into the wild, dark, and downright mesmerizing world of Monstress! Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda have cooked up a comic that's like a shot of adrenaline straight to the imagination..."

 

Okay, well, clearly AI hasn’t ripped off my personality yet. I would’ve said it’s a shot of Cholula straight up your asshole and that Liu and Takeda have cooked up a comic like they’re cheap knockoffs of Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston in a van in the desert.

 

That said, the past few issues have actually been pretty damn good. Marj, Marj the Clone, Juno or Marj AI has captured the essence of what made this comic so good in the first place. Also, regardless of how they got here it is a monu-fucking-mental achievement for any Indie comic to hit 50 issues. Maybe that’s what happens when you shoot for that goal. Maybe Marj told Sana Takeda, ‘We’re gonna do 100 issues’ and Sana said ‘Marj, you’ll go Batshit crazy if you do’. She ignored her and well, the comic went batshit crazy.

 

Maybe that’ll be the new term for when a comic goes off the rails. You know how they say a TV show has ‘Jumped the Shark’? Well, maybe now they’ll say ‘Man, this comic really went through belly of a Cat Space Monolith’.

Rating: 8.4

Verdict: Pull and Weep

SOMNA #3 - Review

 

Somna is the sexiest comic book ever created in the history of the universe. Period. I wrote an entire review of how absolutely gorgeous and steamy this book was – and then my computer crashed. Now, given the fact that the sexy bits of this book revolve around a hot Salem Witchy type chick and a Demon, I have to wonder if God struck down my review since it’s blasphemy to proclaim a comic as the sexiest ever if it involves banging and diddling to a Demon. I figure God has waaay more things in the world to strike down as blasphemous these days so the next suspect up is probably that the CCP hacked my computer and shut it down mid-review, the same way they hacked that boat a few weeks back and crashed it into a bridge.

 

Clearly they’re looking to take down not only our country’s infrastructure but our deeply immoral behavior and perverse proclivities. So in a way, I’m honored that such a small fry like myself caught the attention of such a Big Potato. I do find it ironic that a political mechanism that ultimately is run by Satan himself is upset about a Demon Diddling comic book. Maybe he doesn’t like the competition? At any rate, I’m doubling down on my proclamation: Tula Lotay set these pages on fire with her divinely profane art and you will be hard pressed to find anything as deliciously racy in a comic book as the work she did on Somna.The juxtaposition of two distinct artistic styles that she used was absolutely mesmerizing. It’s not easy to pull something like that off and she rendered the whole device right down to its birthday suit.

 

Not to be outdone, Becky Cloonan penned a masterful tale about an enchanting young woman in the Salem Witch era who’s married to the main ‘Witch Hunter’ of her town. She’s visited by a Demon in her dreams; dreams that become erotically charged as she descends into a world of pleasure and truth where the lies of her townsfolk are revealed. It was a truly compelling read. I will say this though, I think it ended a bit abruptly and I was really disappointed the Female Lead ended up the way she did. I’m also not completely sure as to what the final panel is meant to imply. I don’t want to give it away but I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to.

 

Despite the slight slip at the very very end, I really hope these two find ways to continue to work with each other for many many more projects. Apparently this has been in the works for years. I wish I was a fly on the wall in one of their initial pitch meetings. Actually, I’ve never seen a fly on the wall in any important situation, have you? Maybe we need to change this phrase to ‘I wish I was an interdimensional wraith in the corner’, that sounds a lot more believable.

 

The name of the Comic Exec has been redacted due to pending litigation.

 

Comic Exec: So there’s Demon Sex?

 

Becky: Well, it’s not just – I mean, it’s an Erotic Folk Horror, a treatise on -

 

Tula: Sex with the Demon doesn’t happen until the 3^rd issue

 

Comic Exec: So there’s Demon Sex

 

Becky: Well, there’s Demon Arousal and –

 

Comic Exec: Diddling?

 

Becky: Yes, I suppose you could say –

 

Tula: The Demon Diddling is tasteful and it’s not the Demon who’s Diddling.

 

Comic Exec: Who’s diddling?

 

Becky: Ingrid our female lead.

 

Comic Exec: To the Demon?

 

Tula: Yes, but that’s because she’s being ignored by her Puritanical husband who’s too busy finding excuses to condemn innocent dissatisfied women –

 

Comic Exec: Wait, are you saying that if you ignore your wife a Demon will bang her?

 

Becky: It takes place in her dreams, it’s implied that it could be –

 

Tula: My ex ignored me and I ended up having an affair with an Anarchist/Atheist who hated dogs and played Enya all day long. I suppose you could say he was a Demon.

 

Becky: Tula! [beat] It’s a story of persecution and desire, the Demon is really symbolic of –

 

Tula: Look, here’s some pages that I’ve been working on. As you can see there’s two distinct visual landscapes that

 

The Comic Book Suit Grabs them. Shuffles through them really quickly and rises

 

Comic Exec: Excuse me for a second

 

He exits

 

Becky: Tula what the fuck?

 

Tula: What?

 

Becky: I thought we agreed we would focus on the themes and emotional undercurrents of -

 

Tula: Fuck these pervs.

 

Becky: This is our last domestic publisher!

 

Tula: You mean our last Perv. Fuck these guys.

 

Becky: I’m not doing a Goddamn Web Comic! Why did you give him those pages?

 

Tula: Because they’re fucking great and so is your story.

 

Becky: Uggh, where is this loser?

 

The Comic Suit's assistant pokes her head in

 

Assistant: Hi.

 

Becky: Hello.

 

Assistant: Hi. Yeah, umm, [Name redacted] is indisposed at the moment.

 

Tula: Where did he go?

 

Assistant: He’s in his private bathroom and, well –

 

Becky: Great, c’mon Tula let’s go.

 

Tula: Becky, you don’t know –

 

Becky: This always happens after you give them pages,  I thought – uggh.

 

They make their way to the elevator

 

Tula: How was I supposed to know that every Comic Book publisher had a ‘Fuck a Demon’ fetish?

 

Becky: After seven in a row I thought it’d be obvious.

 

Tula: Well, I figure Marvel and DC would but they weren’t going to pick this up anyway.

 

Becky: They’re all fucking perverts Tula! They all go to the bathroom and jerk off! Every time!

 

Tula: They are sexy pages, I don’t blame them.

 

Becky: Do you want our book to be picked up or do you want to provide fat bearded men in their 40s with masturbatory material?

 

They get in the elevator

 

Tula: Well, that is our audience, isn’t it?

 

The doors close

 

 

You know this is exactly how one of their pitch meetings went, you know I’m right! Can anyone in the comic book industry even come close to what these two majestic titans have created here? Will anyone even try? I’d like to think there’s a huge audience for romance, erotica and relationship type books. I feel like the Capes and Cowls genre is running on fumes a bit after Marvisney & DeeCeeYaLater oversaturated our eyeballs and cheapened their brands the past several years.

 

Penthouse Comics is ripe for providing this type of content but so far their first offering shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same sentence as this comic. They should be putting out stuff like Somna except they literally sleep walked through their first book in years and charged us $10 to boot(y).

 

Man, I’m bummed this is over. I’ve asked this before but it bears repeating: Why the fuck are these prestige comics always over after 3 issues??!? Is there a law on the books? Was it stuffed into one of those ridiculous omnibuses on Capital Hill recently? Send Ukraine another 60 Billion and cap prestige comics at 3 issues? Is it because of the Trades? You don’t wanna charge people more than $25 for your story or something? Dude, start an ongoing prestige series! What the fuck. These prestige format stories have been the best thing going the past few years. Is it Marvisney’s fault? They haven’t dabbled in this format yet, are they upset about it? They’d rather charge $8 for cheap poop and 30 variants instead of actually putting out an amazing book?

 

I shouldn’t even mention Marvisney in the same post as Becky Cloonan and Tula Lotay’s masterpiece. Bravo Ladies. You raised the bar and then some. Perhaps some of the Neanderthals out there will take up your gauntlet and meet you there only to inspire you to soar higher than before.

 

Rating: 9.8

Verdict: Wow.