DAREDEVIL #1 (2023) - Review

 

 

When you’re in a long term relationship with someone you get to see various sides of them. You get to see them evolve, devolve, look this way, look that way, talk this way, talk that way, hate something, then love it, love something then hate it so much you can’t even mention it, and so on and so on; you will run the gamut with them. That’s the beauty of being with someone for a long time. That and being able to fart around each other.

 

Being in a relationship with a Comic Book character is similar but different. The difference being, it’s as if someone were orchestrating the changes of your lover over time from afar. Like they were hired by Ed Harris in the ‘Truman Show’ control room to make changes to Truman’s wife on the fly. In the case of the Big Poo (Marvisney & DC) they’re in all likelihood orchestrating the events of your comic book characters from Satan’s ante chamber, or at least it seems like it's been that way for the past several years.

 

Needless to say I’ve broken up with almost all of my Hero characters. I’ll date Batman every now and then but it’s more like a GFE than it is actually seeing him on a regular basis. Hey, I’ve got a date with Wonder Woman this week, I hear she’s gotten her shit together; we shall see. As for Marvisney, it’s been one heartbreak after the next. My first true love, the Hulk, has been a basket case and a fucking red hot mess for years. Moon Knight was like my secret little bang bang on the side but now he’s been pimped out to the masses and I don't recognize him anymore; same with Black Panther who’s now more like a Wack Puma. Then, there’s Daredevil:

 

Through thick and thin, while garbage creative team after garbage creative team were put on other Marvisney books Double D was consistently Double your pleasure great. Didn’t matter who was on the title, it could not fail. When Zdarsky, who became the Big Poo’s little darling, joined both Bat Mizzle and Dare Dizzle I was skepticizzle. How can the guy who drew Anime cum angels in Sex Criminals be expected to carry two of the biggest hero books in the industry? Well, as it turns out he couldn’t. Batmizzle was dog pizzle and Daredizzle started out really wonderfully and then descended into one wretched plot development after the next. So I broke up with DD. It was hard. I wept. I played ‘Faithfully’ by Journey over and over.

 

 

But as I stated recently, I stalked Daredevil as one does after you break up with someone and we reunited for it’s grand finale in my La-Z-Boy for old time’s sake. Double D put out. Double D came wit dat boom bap. Yeah, it was a bummer that Chippy Z didn’t stop time so that Matt Murdock could take a dump in a flower pot in Marvisney’s office but he delivered a touching heartfelt goodbye to a series that clearly meant a lot to him.  

 

I don’t understand why it just can’t be someone’s job to write a hero book. Like, once you find someone great you just keep them at all costs regardless if they need to take months off or whatever, just stick with what works for goodness sake. Scott Snyder should be writing Batman until his fingers fall off. Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang should be chained down on Themyscira and writing Wonder Woman until kingdom come. Chase down Ta-Nehisi Coates and give him a replica Wakanda to lord over on an island somewhere so he can write Black Panther every, single, month.

 

As for Double D, it’s been so magnificent for so long just rotate between Bendis/Maleev, Waid/Samnee and maybe get Frank Miller off the sauce for a bit here and there. Look, I hate the Chicago Bulls but Phil Jackson coached MJ for 11 years in a row. You telling me you can’t have Matt Fraction write Hawkeye for 11 years in a row with time off for him to get paddled and brimped in a dungeon for weeks on end? Alas, tis not so. Now Saladin Ahmed is on the 1s and 2s for the Double D breakbeat, your long-term relationship hero has undergone another complete cosmetic makeover once again. Except this time they paid the cosmetic surgeon a bit too much and it’s a word salad of way too many anchovies and stale croutons.

 

You could tell you were reading a sequential art shit show just several pages in. Daredevil was the one Marvisney character that wasn’t a strung out on the sauce addict like all the other Marvisney characters had become. He kept to himself, stayed in Hell’s Kitchen, juiced daily, did coffee enemas, and did his hero thing. After a few pages of the 873,133^rd new number one of Daredevil you knew that Double D was totally wasted and on crystal meth or maybe something stronger. What the hell happens to great writers when they go to work for the Big Poo? Something is going on in these walls that causes them to spit out caca. The editor of this book at the conclusion mentioned that Ahmed had a great run of Black Bolt back in the day. I remember that run, it was like 5 or 6 years ago, it was phenomenal. I had never read Black Bolt before but I distinctly remember Ahmed’s take on it being wonderfully done. So why are creators turning into echoes of themselves when they go to work for the big guyz these days?

 

Look, this story was pedestrian at best, Elektra is possessed, Matt doesn’t remember anything, then does, he’s Father Double D kicking frat boy thugs one moment and then flying all over the city the next. I dunno, it just feels cheap and rushed, maybe it’s because the art looks like it was done by a School of Visual Arts student on an antiquated graphics program. Seriously, these pages look like the kind of art you’d see for those Hostess Cupcake ads you’d find in the Marvel books back in the 70s or 80s. The editor at the end of the issue, while extolling the virtues of everyone, went on to say that the artist was the best in the biz and that, and I quote "His characters are expressive and true to life". Dude. Seriously? Dude.

 

Look at this:

Wow. So expressive. Is that a comic book or AI doing Human face. His face is saying a million words to me. Unfortunately they're all the same word. It's: Huh?

This next panel is where Elektra convinces Matt to get rid of his cheek bones:

 

 

I feel like Matt's hair keeps changing while his face keeps being reduced to a Robot. This is really really unsatisfying art:

I mean, who is this? Elektra or Maribel from around the block?

These characters look like your average 'Women with Text Bubbles' artist stuff, can't remember the name of who made them, but they all look like this:

Another gripe, dude, you charged me 7 bucks for this piece of swill? Really? 7 bucks? Why? What in your pathetic Marvisney minds made you think this was worth 7 bucks? Cuz it's 56 pages? So what? Here's what you say, to comic geeks:

 

'Hey we know we're moving on from what was another great run (for me not so much) for Daredevil with a new writer and artist and you might feel hesitant to check them out, so here's double the issue for 4 bux, enjoy!'

Remember when Marvel books had a big explosion on the upper left that said 'Still only 35cents!'? Now it should read 'Still figuring out how we can make all of our comics $5 to $6 each'.

 

One of the greatest books ever put out in recent memory was last year’s Wonder Woman Historia. It was in an oversized prestige format and that was 8 bucks! This comic wasn’t even a fancy variant! DSTLRY’s Devil’s ballsack was a whopping $10 but it was huge and had unfinished ideas from all of the greatest comic book creators that the industry has to offer. You give me AI art, a Caesar’s Saladin and two fingers in my eyes like you’re Mo from the Three Stooges. 

 

We're breaking up Marvisney! Get out of my comic book rack! You’re not putting out anymore Marvisney! Granted I’m not the horndog I once was but I still need my comic booky nooky every now and then and your story poon has dried the fuck up.

Couple in the fact that the new Daredevil series that Marvisney was doing has been all but cancelled and things are looking bleak for Double D. It's probably for the best it got cancelled. What? You thought 'Daredevil: Born Again' was going to be as good or better than the greatest Hero TV Show in the history of Hero television? Netflix's 'Daredevil' was bar none the greatest original show that Netflix ever put out save for 'Stranger Things'. You think Marvisney's penchant for ruining everything was going to make this show better?

 

You might think I'm being harsh about this comic. C'mon, it's Double D, give him a chance to make you love him again. Nah, I've been around the block enough times to know a dumpster fire of sequential art when I see it. 

 

Look, Double D, it's not me, it's you.

 

Rating: 5.1

Verdict: Buh Bye 

DSTLRY 'DEVIL'S CUT' - Review

 

 

What in the actual fuck did I just pay $10 for?!? Ten Buckeroos. Gone. Hey that’s the name of the first actual series from the new imprint DSTLRY. Gone. Coming out this month. It psychologically prepares you to see your comic book budget get gone. Buh bye. Oh that new series is gonna cost you Nine Buckeroos also. And guess what? I will happily pay it! It looks spectacular. DSTLRY’s new website is also all sleek and kinda wow as well. You can check it out here:

 

DSTLRY SITE 

 

They’ve got countdowns for their new books. You could keep your eyes glued to that or you could, you know, just pull the damn thing knowing that your LCS will have if stuffed in a box for you so you don’t have to worry. You can also pay $300 bucks for some tiny little Devil Panda Demon that some Asian chick made that’s supposed to be the Publisher’s mascot. I mean, yeah, that's definitely putting a lot of cashish in a creator's bank account. Does this thing sing 'Purple Rain' or talk to my doggie while I'm gone or will it get me access to some Hollywood Demon party?

 

 

You can also pay $100 for all sorts of different fancy shmancy covers of their Big D on the Devil Book. A Big Old D on the Cover. Yeah, I’m sure that’s purely coincidental. 

 

Chip Mosher: “I’m gonna give the comic world my D!”

 

Who’s Chip Mosher? Who’s David Steinberger? Are they agents? Are they crypto weirdos? No they’re Doogie Howser wannabes who are Alen/Twins and apparently they love love love comic book creators:

 

 

Here’s a link to an article on their whole approach to this new imprint.

 

Doogies do Comics Right!

 

As far as their approach to giving comic book creators lotsa love it looks like that means charging an arm and a leg and a left nut while limiting the amount of copies and chances you have to give your body parts to get said copy. So you’re gonna only sell a limited amount of hard copies and digital copies and that’s it? That’s your angle? So artificial scarcity? Sounds like Big Oil to me. So if for some reason I’m unable to get it then that’s it, that’s what you think? So you don’t think any of the free illegal comic book sites online aren’t going to post every single page of your comic for everyone who wasn’t able to get their hands on it? So they’ll blast the readers with a gazillion ads and make buckets of cash because you think only printing a few of your 9-10 buckeroo books is going to change the comic book game? Dude. Anybody can get anything anywhere any time for free. It’s sad. It’s just the way it is. So, what you have to do is you have to give people the incentive to want to pay for your art because they want to support you. Scarcity doesn’t mean shit you Whiskey Wankers. Now, I will support you 100% because the people you have on board are incredibly talented and put the best shit out there. But get out of their way and leave the gimmicks for Penn & Teller.

 

Look, I know, I’ve been boasting about how I’m willing to pay up for prestige books like since they usually deliver the goods unlike what most $4 books are delivering these days, yet I am bewildered as to why this $10 ADD Fest was put out as the first book from the new creator owned imprint that is going to reinvent the industry.

 

Before I continue I would like to say that everything in this ‘Anthology’ looks amazingly beautiful and it’s clear these writers and artists are at the top of the Comic Book game now. It’s just a glorified ‘We are the World’ video. Each creator gets a line to sing and then it’s on to the next one except there’s no chorus and there’s no sham charity run by a complete idiot save for the lining of the pockets of the best in the biz; which I don’t really have a problem doing, just, you know, give me a coherent happy ending story for my hard earned ten bonez.

 

Anthologies absolutely suck. It’s like going to a Strip Club and seeing comic book creators come out and spin their stories around the pole for a few pages to Def Leppard and then disappear. They pour their sugar on you for a blip and then they’re gone. None of the stories are satisfying. They’re all big teases, “Hey, that’s awesome, wait, don’t stop, is there a champagne room???”. I have an immense amount of respect for Will Dennis and all the creators that joined in this ADD Give us the Big D anthology but I don’t get the point of it. Is it to show how cool you are and how many bad ass comic book peeps you know? Did they just reach out to all of them and go:

 

 ‘Hey send me whatever three or four pages you have of a story or comic that you never got off the ground and I’ll put them in a $10 book and give you a chunk of the proceeds’

 

Ten bucks is like the far reaches of comic book pricing. Once you go past 10 you’re in graphic novel land so you better come wit dat boom bap if you’ve got the sack to charge ten. What it also does is it makes you go ‘Wow, they do have the sack to charge ten, it must be amazing’. You know what this reminds me of. It reminds of that gluten-free coffee cake mix I got from Whole Foods last month. I always peruse the ‘Cake and Muffin’ mixes in the baking aisle. I’ve tried a bunch of them, most of them are okay, some are yuck. After you make one you always are reminded that baking your own stuff is always far superior to the store bought crap. Yet one day I walked by and there on the shelf right at my eye line was a new brand. It looked sexy. It looked delicious. It wasn’t on a dating app. I was sold. But, oy, it was pricy. The coffee cake mix was $13. I thought, wow, if they have the chutzpah to charge thirteen then that coffee cake must be a party in the mouth. It turned out to be awful. I threw it out, it was barely edible. The difference here is that this book is yummy AF but it changes flavors so much you have no idea what it is that you’re eating.

 

I’m sure that when we all saw this list of writers and artists that were joining this publisher we all got ridiculously excited. Yet this book feels like an old school ‘Battle of the Network Stars’ from back in the day. You’re like, ooh, Wonder Woman is going to be in a swimming race! Then you watch Wonder Woman in a normal old swimsuit do an average job at swimming, then it’s over really quickly and then another star is doing something that’s over quickly and it’s never satisfying. My goodness Linda Carter was so unbelievably beautiful:

 

 

The stories in this Anthology of the Big Erect D were over so quickly I had to flip backwards and forwards to make sure I didn’t miss a page. Like, seriously, three pages and then done. Are any of these going to be continued at all? You got my Comic Book Johnson all up and excited and I have no idea where to go next to fulfill it’s comic booky needs. Here’s what I thought as I read every inch of this Big D:

 

Wow this is great I wonder what – hey what the fuck, it’s over? What’s this, ooh, wow, cool visuals, who’s this chick, she seems – wait, that’s it? Oh man I am dying to know what – huh. Oh. Next one already?

 

I’m going to go through all these lightning quick stories so you don’t have to. Better that you save up your shekels for the AI created mascot of your face on a Demon Armadillo for $700 next month.

 

1. Spectregraph. Tynion/Ward - I dunno, some dude goes to steal something and his ghost comes and kills him or some dude hammers the thief's head. Looks great, Ward is a beast. Not a fan of Tynion. He gets the NBA 'over-rated' chant.

2. Shepherd. Bernadrin/Kristantina - Some futuristic tale about colonists in pods going somewhere in a space ship who need a robot/AI/human chick to protect them from space thieves. Mnyeh, it was aite. But quick!

3. 8 Rules etc. Charretier/Cowles - Woo hoo! The amazing team behind Tom King's spectacular 'Love Everlasting' is doing their thing. Some blonde super spy babe kills a bunch of people on an island in a bikini. Elsa draws a wonderful pair of boobies at the end. Now it feels like I paid $10 for comic boobies like I'm some Oni Anime Jungle Chick Comic pervy Dynamite Red Sonya drooler. I think this gets its own comic soon. Yay. Did I mention Elsa drawing boobies?

4. What's Mine is Hearse. Phillips/Jones - Umm. A sexy Asian chick bangs the corpse of a handsome dead dude and then either kills or gets rid of the guy driving the hearse so she can drive off while laughing like a complete wacko. Ohhh-keedokee. Art is ridiculously gorgeous though aaaannnnd I feel unclean.

5. A Blessed Day. Andolfo - An actual Demon manages and runs a huge Pop Star and a record label. Ho hum. I run into Demon Managers at Trader Joe's all the time. This gets made into a series later this year, may or may not pass. Andolfo drew the recent White Knight debacle written by Mop Top Loser kid so still got that icky taste on my comic book mouth.

6. The Stowaway. Jock - Kid steals food off a helicarrier. Jock is great. Super short like the others. Really looking forward to forking over $9 for Gone.

7. Deleted Scene #2. Azzarello. Risso - Three pages of a Western scene over a campfire where, I dunno what the hell this is about, Azzarello! Get Chiang and take over Wonder Woman again for goodness sake!

8. White Boat. Snyder. Francavilla - The same team that did the underwhelming super silly 'Night of the Ghoul'. Interesting tale about a ghost boat or whatever. Snyder! Get Capullo and take over Batman again for goodness sake!

9. What Happens Next. McElvie - By this point my brain was spinning and I hit a wall. Some futuristic AI soul in a cloud avatar love story, I dunno. I'm gonna need another gluten free twinkie to wake up and be alert for the final two stories. Did I really pay $10 for this?

10. Waiting to Die. Ram V. Garbett - Another boobie shot, nice. A couple has sex and then one goes outside to watch a solar flare that will kill everyone. Oh, a weiner shot also. So that's 2 Pairs of Boobies, a Big D on the cover, a tiny D and a corpse banger for those who aren't keeping score.

11. What Blighted Flame Burns in Thee. Cloonan. Lotay - They saved the best for last. They gave this unbelievably talented duo 11 pages to tell their tale about a man who saves a woman from being executed for being accused of being a witch. The art is breathtaking. They did the right thing by leaving this until the end because now I want more more more. I think this duo gets a comic soon also. Somna in December? They have a clock on their website you can watch for 40 days if you want.

 

Here's the big D-eal Doogie Dudes: Just put out great stuff. Hard stop. You don't need toys or $100 variants or artificial scarcity. You've obviously assembled a who's who of genius comic creators so just let them do their thing and you'll sell a bunch of books. I'm down. Just leave the gimmicks to the Big 2. Their gimmick is pretending to be a comic book publisher while actually being a cog in a TV/Film machine. 

 

Speaking of which, I've got this throbbing comic book stiffy from reading this anthology that gave me zero happy endings. Let me see here, ooh, the new Daredevil #1, oh yeah, that's a major turn off and wait, ooh, let me find that White Knight Jokers kids book, ahh, yeah, that's Janet Reno and Elizabeth Warren in fetish gear bad. Yeah, I'm down to a shriveled turtle, DSTLRY, you may carry on.

 

 

Rating: 7.0

Verdict: Pay through the nose to get their Actual Series coming out soon.

 

 

HEXAGON BRIDGE #1 - Review

Multi-Dimensional Dimensions in our Art is getting Demented. They’re everywhere now. This dimension is right here and that dimension is right over us and this one is through that door and that one is in her pink butthole and if you really wanna find this one hit the El Chato Taco Truck around 2am on a Tuesday and wear fuscia. On on hand, when done right with restraint, having a multi dimensional world where characters are popping in and out of is exciting. I would say the ‘Upside Down’ in Stranger Things is a great example of using an alternative dimension in an amazing way. When done haphazardly and with no constraints it can turn anything into a full out shit show. I’m looking at you Big 2/Big Poo.

 

Marvel used to be the home of the wacky cosmic way out-there comic books where characters like Dr. Strange, Thor and his merry band of Gods dressed in Skandinavian wear and the FF would consistently travel to alternative dimensions with aplomb and gusto. The recent ‘Defenders’ comic written by Al Ewing last year harkened back to that time with a retro tale that traversed the multiverse. Ironically it was entitled ‘Defenders: There are No Rules’; yet it worked because it felt like you were being taken far away from the center in a logical way, not jumping to and fro will nilly, if that makes any sense.

 

When comics turn to poop is when they use the Multi-Dimensional gimmick/device so liberally that reality loses form and any and everything can happen at once. Rules fly out the window and poor writing and plot developments are easily glossed over by:

 

‘Ooh, look we’re somewhere else now’ or

 

‘Ooh, look who are you and where did you come from’ or even worse

 

‘Yeah that story actually didn’t happen here, it happened somewhere else, in another dimension’

 

The Big Poo (DC and Marvisney) have essentially ruined the Multi-Dimensional Device by having so many fucking dimensions with so many alternative versions of characters and planets that you can’t take any of them seriously. I always bristle when I see the character list of a comic on League of Comic Geeks and I see the characters have the denomination of ‘Prime Earth’ or ‘Alterniverse’ or the worst is ‘Earth 613’ really, 613 Earths or timelines where all your poopy stories can find a way to fix themselves after you’ve fallen asleep at the plot wheel? Yeah, fuck off.

 

I can just see that meeting at one of  the Big Poo when the idea of the Multiverse was put forth:

 

Marvisney Demonic Exec: So we can have all these versions of our best characters just pop in whenever we want?

 

Marvisney Demonic Minion: Yup, just call it a different earth.

 

Marvisney Demonic Exec: What about plot continuity?

 

Marvisney Demonic Minion: No need for it, just say you're on a different timeline/dimension.

 

[Several Big Poo execs spontaneously combust]

 

Multi-Dimensionality has also overwhelmed our world as well. I don’t know about you but I constantly hear about us ‘ascending to the fifth dimension’ and that ‘alternative timelines are being averted’ by, oh I dunno, a couple chubbsters in a yoga studio chanting and holding their fingers in a wild configuration while sitting on a pile of cooked mung beans.

 

The ‘Mandela Effect’ also speaks to multiple timelines. That whole thing drives me crazy and also hurts my head to think about. Look, it’s never been the Berenstain Bears it’s always been the Berenstein Bears, always! Where the hell is this ‘Stain’ coming from? Are you kidding me? And it’s Jif! Not Jiffy! Do people actually live in a world where it was Jiffy?

 

One theory I have is, and it is a waaaay out there retro Marvel cosmic theory, is that the wack jobs colliding atoms at CERN in Switzerland with that Hadron Collider actually fucked up and the only way to fix it was to hijack our timeline and sew it onto another timeline because the original timeline had us all exploding into nothingness. So here we are now super imposed onto this other timeline where weird shit happened and we’re arguing with alternative versions of ourselves or friends about whether it was Looney Toons or Looney Tunes, it was Tunes for God sakes!

 

Despite all these timelines and multiple dimensions, I still can’t get a date. Can we have a Mandela Effect where I’m dating and then someone can argue, no way, that guy never gets a fucking date! That would be nice. Somewhere on Earth 2,229,287 I’m dating a super amazing babe, I have a career and courtside Knicks tickets, comic books cost 35 cents and this blog is at the top of your news feed on your phone. Actually scratch that, that would mean I’d have to be writing for it every day, yeah, I’m too busy looking after my little princess.

 

Which finally finally finally brings me to this comic. We’re way in the future and a Mommy and a Daddy are off to find their way into this alternative dimension yet they get lost or captured and the kid in our dimension gets weepy about it. Obviously we have to find Mommy and Daddy now and let's bring our robot along. That's pretty much the premise in a pinch.

 

First off, the title sounds like a Norwegian Fusion Band from the 70s. Like this band would open up for Tangerine Dream. Second, and this is a big Second, the believability of this book went out the fucking window when they listed the year as 4040. Really? 4040? This looks like something that could happen in 2040. You telling me that we live in the same futuristic world in 2040 as we would in 4040. I mean, if you're coming with that 4040 Boom Bap you better have 4040 designs and a whole slew of that imaginative 4040 advancements in technology. How depressing. This is what we have to look forward to 2,000 years from now? C'mon homie, drop the hyperbolic year and just stick to something tangible. 4040 my ass.

 

Despite the absurd year the art is wonderful and I really enjoyed the landscapes of the parallel dimension even though I would’ve liked to have seen a buxom Morgana in a skin tight body suit somewhere in them. Apparently this dude Richard Blake, won a contest or something and I dunno, yadda yadda, up and coming comic book dude yadda yadda. This is him:

 

 

I mean, he’s the dude at a party where you’re like ‘Please do not start talking to me’. He’s drinking an IPA or a Chardonnay and he’s got docksiders on with no socks. His breath reeks of coffee and he wears too much musky cologne. Plus I'm pretty certain they photoshopped his invasive nose hairs out of this picture. At this party, Richard's girlfriend is flitting about and being super flirty with everyone. You can’t tell if she’s cute or not because she’s wearing a dumpy sweater and unflattering Capri pants, but you can picture these two banging each other and she's definitely a lot of fun in the sack. You figure she probably cooks a mean breakfast in the morning and that's when you realize Richard Blake has been talking your ear off for 10 minutes in a row while you've been fantasizing about his girl.

 

Yup, that's what I was thinking after I finished this issue. It went by really fast. This is one of those Image ‘Spaghetti Books’ where they’re just throwing it at the wall to see if it sticks. It sticks, a bit. There’s a piece of the pasta that’s elongated out from the wall, dangling aimlessly, just waiting for you to peel it off. I’m intrigued enough to see if it falls or not. Or maybe what I’ll do is rip it clean off the wall which will cause a schism between two parallel worlds! I’ll walk through the spaghetti fissure and track down my Earth 2,229,287 self in the bathroom at Madison Square Garden. I’ll strangle him to death and then make my way to courtside where my gorgeous lady friend awaits me dressed in a purple Knicks get-up. Problem is, I’ll be sitting next to Richard Blake. He’s sipping his IPA and interrupting me throughout the game as he tells me about exciting second arc that’s selling like hotcakes. I’m about to leave this annoying dimension until Richie tells me he’s buying Marvisney and DC with his Hexagon profits and hiring a consortium of comic geeks as editors. That’s when I fly out of my seat to go find the me that I murdered in this dimension. I need to dispose of him quickly so I won’t have to answer any questions. Then I can stay here, read great Marvel books, watch my Knicks courtside and hit on Richard Blake’s frumpy girlfriend who insists she’s polyamorous. 

 

Somewhere right now in multiple dimensions Richard Blake is sipping on ethically sourced mold free coffee ($42 a bag, whole bean) and listening to Chet Baker as he writes his Hexagon opus. With Richie, he's the same in every dimension, nothing changes except his frumpy girlfriend's wardrobe. I respect your consistency Mr. Blake. I'll read your opus so that I can critique it when we bump into each other at that party on Earth 5,432. In that dimension we get into a fight over your Frumpy but with me critiquing your work you're too busy brooding in a corner over your Zima to notice me hustling Frumpy into the bathroom with me.

Rating: 7.9

Verdict: Pull

 

September '23 Reading Round Up

 

 

That image of the great Cimmerian above is how I feel every time I walk into my LCS to pick up my books. The Big 2/Poo are raining arrows of crappy books on my head, trying their damnedest to tempt me with their flimsy stock and watered down plots. By Crom you shalt not have my hard earned shekels you corporate vultures! 

Lo, behold Marvisney as thy stock dippest below 80. Thou sayest thou wilt pour your ill begotten gold back into your amusement parks yet thy parks offer no amusement! They offer pain, suffering and a hole in the common man's wallet. Dip farther you scourge of beast. Sell thy Marvel properties at once! 

And you, you DC! Decrepit Caca! Where have thy Black Label Books of yore gone? Now it is drivel everywhere I look, have thy coffers gone dry due to your stomach churning cinematic experiences that have cost you everything you own and brought back nothing? Box office? Ha! More like a Pillbox Compartment! Perhaps thy new movie Aqua Douchebag (the lead is a Douche) and the Lost Kingdom is about you! You have lost your kingdom! Sell! Sell! Sell!

Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of my LCS and their comic racks I shall purchase no evil! For I have the comfort of my Conan comic from Titan and a pull list hidden far far away from thy scraggly fingers and shriveled nutsacks!

Anyway, here's what I got into this month. Happy Reading you Geekazoids!

I love me some Rick Remender. I may not jump on all of his series but you’re guaranteed to get a fully developed world with a deeply invested writer and creative team no matter the title. I will say that I feel like the endings of his titles are ever truly satisfactory for some reason. It’s not something I can put my finger on other to say that the endings of ‘Black Science’ and ‘Seven to Eternity’ weren’t truly memorable nor did they pack a serious wow exclamation mark on the series. Maybe that’s just his style. His newest offering is another great hook for a first issue. It’s another world you’ve never seen before with characters you’ve never laid eyes on. I wonder if they have cheap rent there, LA is getting ridiculous.

 

 

 

Black Cloak just finished what Kelly Thompson is saying was now their first arc, meaning there will be another. I enjoyed it to a degree but I gotta say I could not keep up with which Elf was which Elf and who did what and how to who and why and all the things that make up the basics of character relationships. Maybe they need to pull a Monstress and give you a rundown of the cast before each issue but unlike Monstress, you know, don’t put my brain in a vice and squeeze out its desire to follow a coherent plot. Meredith McClaren did some gorgeous work on this book, especially with the architecture and landscapes of this world created from scratch. Yet the faces pretty much all looked the same but with different fashion and odder names so, yeah, clean that up mmkay?

 

Also, did Kelly Thompson just write a story where the big reveal at the end was a nod to what is actually going on in our real world as it pertains to, umm, trafficked children? How the “You want to build a city on the blood of the innocent" is being used to run our world? Hard to say if she intended that to be the case or if it’s just another example of how the truth of what has been going on in our world for centuries is seeping its way into our everyday lives and pop culture. I’m sure Kelly would deny the connection but safe to say I saw it whether she intended it or not. Interested to see where this goes...

 

 

Tom King and Elsa Charretier are crafting a story for the ages. Love Everlasting just seems to get better with every issue. King’s writing was particularly touching for the final installment of the second arc. I’m not sure King is meant for hero books. I think he’s found the perfect genre, whatever genre you want to call this, for his distinct type of style. The germination of this multi timelined mysterious romance could be found in his disastrous Bat/Cat book of a year or so ago. I know he’s taking up the Wonder Whoa-man mantle which still has me a bit skeptical. Maybe he should take Elsa and Clayton with him?

 

 

 

 

Holy crap! Have I read two, count 'em two romance comics this month??? Synder’s Barnstormers is an absolute victory for the Romance genre, of which we need more of in this industry. More smooching you nerds! Less gross twisted fetishy nastiness like ‘Red Room’ or Gene Simmons’ ‘Dominatrix’, yuck. After a slew of middling and confusing three issue Comixology drops this is by far his most engaging and enjoyable. It’s Bonnie and Clyde in the air and it’s a fantastic read. Can’t wait to read the final installment which has already come out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Issue 46 of Monstress began with a cat being tortured by a bunch of other cats on a wacky prison colony wth a bunch of Seaweed lookin’ Gods in outer space. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. Can we get a GoFundMe together and pay for Marjorie Liu to just end this series soon? I just can’t anymore. I have no idea what the fuck is going on with this comic and why but I’ve paid for 46 issues, actually 48, I’m behind for a reason, and I’ll be damned if I drop it this far into the game. C’mon Marj, end this psycho fest. I seriously check the Monstress solicits for the words ‘Final Arc’ as much as I check for the Disney Stock to drop under 70.

 

 

Oy, I've gotta pack for my flight back to La La Land. Excited to get back! I just heard from my friend that a homeless woman just pooped right in front of her upscale furniture store in Venice the other day. It's about time. San Francisco already has a human feces app for their city, it's high time LA catches up. Man, finding human poop everywhere, how cool is that? It's like catching those Pokemon everywhere except now its Poop-e-Man! I'm gonna find you little shits! Woo hoo!

 

 

FIRE AND ICE #1 - Review

 

          Not Intended for Children

 

In my heyday of online dating and yucky apps I figured out something very quickly: It’s a numbers game. You can’t get tripped up, disappointed or invested in anyone’s online profile until you meet up with them. All the back and forth, the emojis, the pics etc. mean jack diddly poo until you’re face to ‘what the hell is that, is that your face?’ with them somewhere out in the wild. So what that means is, as a guy, you have to like a shit ton of profiles with the hopes that one of them will stick. It’s like dispersing your swipe right jizz to the dating app universe, hoping that one of your little squiggly likes impregnates the mind of some unsuspecting rando who can’t wait to waste your time and get your loins all hot and bothered for nothing. 

There is a downside to all of this. See, you will eventually match with some sexy fun interesting girls who may or may not meet up with you. You will also match with a whole slew of girls who you probably wouldn’t want anything to do with if you actually saw them out in the wild but, since it’s a numbers game your like squiggles will probably reel a bunch of these girls in. These ‘Mnyeh, they’re okay, nothing wow’ girls will in all likelihood be more apt to meet up since, well, harsh but, they’re probably not getting asked out a lot in the concrete jungle of the real world. Which means you’re going to be getting dates with these girls. Now, in your mind you’re justifying the meet-up with them by thinking ‘Hey, I gotta put myself out there. I have to start putting this “I wanna go on hot dates” dating energy out there so I can actually get those dates into my life; big fucking mistake.

Sure, ya never know, these Mnyeh girls could turn out to be amazing, you might click and actually start seeing one of them. But in all likelihood it’s going to be an absolute disaster. Why? Because when they show up and you find yourself having a big fat zero on your attraction meter with them, the date is going to go downhill really fast. You’re either going to be polite and suffer through it or you’re gonna appear to be disinterested and upset which is only going to make her feel like shit and now you’re an awful inconsiderate douchebag who just wasted a perfectly lovely human being’s time because you’re working an angle/strategy on a computer program on your phone to somehow nab an Insta model. It’s terrible. It’s even more worse because when you do actually meet up with a ‘hot girl’ and they turn out to be an erratic psychopath who downs $15 espresso martinis like they’re water while she texts her ex DJ Boyfriend who has a Weed/Molly empire on the side, you’re going to want to never leave the house again. I experienced all of this back in the Heyday of my Dating App life. I would say now, I’m in the Nay Day of my Dating App Life but at least I have money for groceries which have risen by 50% under China Joe. 

As I mentioned in my last review, I had extremely high hopes for Titan Comics ‘Conan the Barbarian’. So much so that I couldn’t bear to actually open it up. I was tortured by the idea that if it sucked my comic book life would be finally ruined after a year of reading garbage from the Big Poo. So what did I do? I played the dating numbers game strategy with my comic pull and yanked this Fire & Ice thingamajig. Willingham, hmm, that Fables dude, never got into Fables thing but al least he’s legit and the art looks Frazetta-ish so, what the hell, how bad could it be? If Conan turns out to be a dud that doesn’t put out I’ll have this wacky book at the ready to fill my barbaric warrior story fetish. Well, Conan was amazing! It was like a scintillating perfect date with a babe that laughed at all your jokes, wore your favorite color and kept telling you about all her favorite dishes that she loves to cook. Your goodnight smooch is to die for but on your way back to your car you see you have a text from the ‘Mnyeh, she’s okay why not’ girl, reminding you that she’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night. 

That’s what this comic was. My goodness, if you could personify this Fire and Ice comic into a woman it would be a maniacal stripper with a nose ring, two tat sleeves and a flask of absinthe in her spiky purse that has upside down pentagrams all over it.

I think the purpose of this comic was to get you to jerk off all over it. In fact, I think that may be the purpose of all the ‘Dynamite’ books. Maybe the people who established this publisher were getting baked at a bonfire party on the Jersey shore that eventually turned into a circle jerk and somehow the term ‘Dynamite!’ was used when someone actually came. Then they thought, hey why don’t we use that name for our comic books and get every horny comic geek jizzing all over our comics like we just did tonight?

I mean look at their main titles! Their loglines boiled down to the simplest sentences are:

Vampirella - Hey guys, this half naked Vampire chick wants to fuck you.

Bettie Page - Hey guys, this long dead 50s Pin Up model wants to fuck you.

Sheena - Hey guys, this half naked Jungle chick wants to fuck you.

Red Sonya - Hey guys, this half naked red headed Conan type chick wants to fuck you and then kill you because you fucked her.

DYNAMITE!

I mean, this story starts off simple enough. A bearded teacher dude in primitive garb lectures his young students in the jungle about the kingdoms that exist on opposite sides of their land whilst the lithe athletic teen male of the group shows off his climbing prowess. Okay, fine, the art is fantastic, I’m into it. Then, Dynamite! They’re all dead the teen is captured and off we go into Half Naked Chick land! 

 

I'm not sure what happened next, the blonde teen kid is taken to a Witch babe and there's another Elvira lookin' queen babe on her knees and then whoosh, we're off to two bikini babes in a jungle land.

Then the Skin Ads come pouring in one after the other in this order:

It’s like that’s the real story. Ad 1 is saying ‘Take your pud out’. Ad 2 is saying ‘I said take your pud out’. Ad 3 is saying ‘Thanks for taking your pud out, now let me bang you and skewer you’.

I mean, there's these two pages where a pair of bikini babes are in the jungle and, it’s ridiculous. Like, you're not even reading the text bubbles, it's just naughty pose after naughty pose. I’m going to narrate how these pages would be scripted if the Dynamite Cum Comic Pervs wrote this story.

 

Fire & Ice: Naughty Babes in the Jungle 

 

 

Honestly, I think Dynamite should sell officially licensed tweezers for their books so you can use the tweezers to turn the pages which would free up your hand to do its Dynamite business. Look, I’m all for sexiness. I’m all for hot and heavy comics with real steamy relationships that stand firmly on a riveting plot. This just feels gratuitous, It feels like they don’t trust their plot enough so they saturate your eyeballs with tits and ass so you’ll forget about it. It’s a shame, I really love the art and I’m sure Bill Dubz can spin a tale, but this crazy Stripper book just feels too goofy for me. 

Like, why go through the trouble of banging the book whose mommy and daddy didn’t like her when I can romance a Conan book that clearly grew up in a loving household and never felt the need to get tats to rebel against her parents. Do you like girls with tats? I don’t. Freud says that tattoos are the external representation of internal trauma. I think there’s something to that. Like, you have so much pain inside of you that you have to represent it somehow on your physical body. That, or you just love the constant pain that comes with a needle jabbing you over and over as if it’s making you feel something that you personally aren’t capable of feeling due to your emotions being repressed. Either way, it screams ‘I have issues’ whenever I see a Woman who has a shit ton of tats. 

As for this comic, mmm, well, maybe if Image got a hold of this we’d have something interesting, but as it stands I just can’t walk around with my dick in one hand and this comic in the other. My doggie wants to go outside and pee and sunbathe way too often during the day so hanging around on my stoop trying to figure out if I want a Vampire, Jungle Chick or Red Headed Warrior in my fantasy while my junk is hanging out is probably not going to endear me to my neighbors too much.

I mean, I could probably hide behind and nut into the huge potted plant that’s in front of my building while I yell ‘Dynamite!’ but how am I going to feel afterwards? Like, what if my doggie gives me a weird look from her sunbathing spot, what am I supposed to say? Blonde Jungle chicks make me so hot I had to take this comic outside with me? I’m pretty sure that would have to qualify as one of the lowest points of my adult existence. Before you know it there I am, getting a tattoo of a pair of dynamite sticks exploding right on my butt.

 

 

Rating: 5.3

Verdict: Keep your Pud in and Drop