Are these two about to punch each other or about to kiss each other on the cover? Hard to say, but whatever it is MiracleMan has finally come to an end! Well, not really, but, at least this ‘Age’ is over. It was a – well, a decent but not stupendous finale to what ended up boiling down to a disagreement over a smoocheroo that came out of the blue. This run of 7 issues had its ups and downs for sure. Some moments popped, some dropped and some just elicited a copious amount of eye rolls.
Sure it’s still one of the greatest comic book concepts in the history of comic books. However, it’s as if the Beatles were working on their final album and then handed it off to someone else, perhaps Dylan or Elton or even the Stones, perish the thought. No matter what they would have done with it, it never would have been as great; just different. So perhaps we should have expected different but not great from the great Neil Gaiman.
Anyway, guess what I got my hands on??? A scene that was cut from the final issue of the Silver Age. Don’t ask me how I got it, it wasn’t easy. Every time I walked into Whole Foods I kept hearing everyone murmuring about this “insane” deleted scene from MM that’s been circulating on the dark web. Some have apparently seen it on the periphery of their Apple Vision Pro experiences; always out of reach. Well, after a lot of nasty business I’m going to present it to you in all its glory. Don’t ever tell me I don’t do right by you guys.
It takes place right after this page when MM flies to Jordan to meet Dicky.
Dicky slithers around the corner of the mountain and puts his hands on his hips.
Dicky: You’re a tart
MM: A what?
Dicky: Tart, as in a whore, you’re a Miraculous Tart.
MM: Dicky -
Dicky: Don’t call me that, your little tart nickname of me.
MM: I don’t -
Dicky: What’s my real name? Neville? Earnest? Oswald?
MM: It’s always been Dicky
Dicky: Yes it’s always been your little cock fantasy hasn’t it. What did you do? Get together with Gargunza the Troll to create a tidy man-hole to play with to satisfy your wicked perversions
MM: I did nothing of the sort.
Dicky: Lying little bitch.
MM: You’re part of the Pantheon. You’re -
Dicky: I’m part of your little wet hole brothel in the sky! What, you think you dress us up in fancy Miracle garb it makes us anything else other than a sucky fucky whenever you want us.
MM: Dauntless –
Dicky: Couldn’t just subsist on your Tart-Theon you had to plant one on me eh?
MM: I care for you Dicky
Dicky: You’re a bored old perv who can have and have had anybody you’ve ever wanted. I was just another notch on your Man Pussy belt.
MM: My Man what?
Dicky: Your Naughty Bits Abacus!
MM: Let me ask the Qys if that’s some of their tech.
Dicky: [tearing up] This would never have happened if your Twat Spigot of a Wife with her 80s Power Bitch Haircut never suggested you snog me.
MM: It’s been in me since the dawn of time, I lo –
[Dicky transforms into Leslie Jones and Miracle Man transforms into Steven Yeun with Tits.]
Dicky: What the actual shit?
MM: Oh, bloody hell.
Dicky: Is this some joke? You’re about to profess your love to me and you turn into a diminutive Asian man with big knockers?!?
MM: It’s Neil.
Dicky: Neil?
MM: Yes, our Authoritarian Author. He’s decided to be more inclusive and diverse for this moment. Look at yourself.
Dicky: What the fuck is this shit? Oh hell fucking no.
MM: Yes, he’s prone to these whimsical casting alterations from time to time.
Dicky: You tell that –
MM: You tell him, I’m more than spent from wheezing to the heavens at him
Dicky: [wails to the sky] Look motherfucker, change my ass back or I’m a bust your Gremlin looking fizzace with a quickness.
MM: Look at your purple haired girlfriend.
Dicky turns to see Meta now transformed into a Handicapped Native American Little Person.
Meta: I’m glad you no longer look like Colonizers.
Beat
Dicky: He did the same shit for his dumb ass Sandman series on Netflix.
MM: Yes, he most certainly did.
Dicky: That show sucked.
MM: I would tend to agree with you.
Dicky: Why did he cast Meshell Ndegeocello as Lucien? Amazing musician -
MM: Yes I love her work dearly
Dicky: Can’t act for shit.
MM: There were – many questionable moves.
Dicky: That show was drivel.
MM: Quite drivelous.
Dicky: Driveltastic.
MM: The driveliest for sure.
Dicky: You’re not allowed to fuck up Sandman.
MM: Seems like he did.
Dicky: And now he’s fucking us up.
MM: I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fuck-up, per se –
Dicky: What would you call it??
MM: The Miraculous Smooch he always wanted to see.
Dicky: Look at us now though, it’s fucking ridiculous
MM: It leans into the theater of absurd.
Dicky: You are very cute though. You in your Male Asian actor of the moment suit.
MM: Yes well –
Dicky/Leslie moves in to kiss MM/Steven. MM backs away and holds up his hand.
Dicky: What are you doing?
MM: What are you doing?
Dicky: I’m giving you what you wanted, your Dicky smooch, and maybe more, take your – Christ, where the hell is the zipper on this suit
MM: Dicky,
please, I’m not really feeling -
Dicky: You don’t want to kiss me! You racist!
MM: I’m not a racist, please.
Dicky: You most certainly are! Oh, you wanted to kiss me as a shiny blonde alabaster boy toy but, what, now I’m too much for you?
MM: We all have our predilictions and proclivities and –
Dicky: Unfuckingbelievable!
MM: [Looks to the sky] Neil! That’s enough! Enough I say!
They are transformed back to their original selves.
MM: Now, where were we? [leans in for a kiss]
Dicky: Eww, gross, back off.
MM: Dicky –
There were a bunch of lines after this but they were redacted for some reason, all blacked out. Well, I hope you enjoyed this little detour onto the cutting room floor of the Great Gaiman. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, MiracleMan is continuing in the ‘Dark Age’, and – no comment.
Rating: 8.1
Verdict: Keep Pulling and Yanking
