Some would say there has been a concerted effort by the World Elites over the past several decades to depopulate the planet. They’ve introduced the Climate Scam and made people think they are in fact a virus, promoted abortions worldwide, poisoned the food supply, introduced hormone blocking chemicals into any and every product they could get their hands on, made porn accessible to anyone so that it’s easier to stay at home and get off rather than forage out and into the world for love and satisfaction. Fertility, birth rates and sperm counts are at an all time low everywhere you look. All of those are valid arguments to indicate there’s been an agenda to systematically eliminate humans. But the biggest tool used by the elites to prevent humans from meeting, copulating and creating children and families is:
Dating Apps.
Dating apps are a scourge on the planet. One could argue they have done more to disintegrate and antagonize male/female relationships than any other technological and chemical advance in the history of the Universe. Yeah, sure, blah, blah, people have met their soulmates and found love and great connections on these apps. But it’s probably the same percentage of people that win lotteries or win actual prizes from those scratch off games.
Humanity, if AI lets us stick around, will look back upon this period of Dating Apps many many years from now and wonder how men and women weren’t using ice picks and machetes on each other in the streets due to the inordinate amount of frustration and angst that dating apps gave them.
I think a great business idea would be to open a space where people could post the pictures of all the profiles that made them feel useless, used, ugly and unworthy so that they and other people could walk in and scream and throw rotten produce at it. It would be like an art gallery for ‘unemployed fake ass busta douchebags’ and ‘stank ass skeezy dick teasing hos’ that everyone has fallen prey to on these fucking apps from Hades. I think the High Ranking Demons came to the Pope or Satan or both one day and said that the world still believed in God and Love and they hatched a plan together to create dating apps so that people would not only stop believing in God and Love but question whether it ever existed in the first place.
I’ve tried every single fucking dating app. If my soul was a dick then it would be great because they have all sucked my soul dry. I wish I could get back all the time I’ve spent on these illusions. If you said ‘You can have a chance at every beautiful in woman the world on your phone’ or I’ll let you loose naked and covered in dung on a Victoria’s Secret party in the hills for 15 minutes I would’ve taken the naked dung offer. What. A fucking scam. It is the illusion of choice. Nothing but greener grass wherever you look and it’s ruined male female relationships or any type of preferred gender relationship for a long time.
Why? The main reason is this: Why bother talking to that cute guy/girl on line at the supermarket or sitting with their friends at the bar when there are a hundred of them on your phone? Why bother dealing with the ups and downs of what it takes to get to know somebody you really like when you can just hit the reset button every day and find someone new on your phone? What dating apps have done is they have removed us from our lives and shoved our faces and our desires into our phones. So what happens is we miss life that’s happening all around us at all times. We forgo taking a chance or making a move that’s steeped in fear and possible rejection for the easier option of a swipe.
Now? Nobody talks to anybody anywhere. I used to talk to girls everywhere out in the world. Now? Nothing. You can just feel it. People are weirded out when a complete stranger starts chatting them up. Sure, there are exceptions but in one of the largest cities in the world (Los Angeles) we just move amongst each other in silence or in packs; there is close to zero interaction and it’s pathetically depressing.
So I was intrigued when I saw a comic about a dating app. Oh, you might ask, what’s the worst dating app/site of them all? Sorry, they all sucked in unique and interesting ways. I would say the most debilitating aspect of them all is that so many times I never knew if I was talking to a real person, a real girl or a bot. Is this hot babe a dude posing as a girl, or maybe it’s a 400 pound bedridden meth addict in the middle of nowhere. That’s why I use the Raya app because at least they vet everyone on there and you can confirm they’re real with their Insta account. Although with AI these days, who fucking knows. Still, even with thousands of real people on the we screen for real interesting people app, nobody talks to anyone or messages back. It’s a thing.
Okay, so back to this comic. It fucking sucks, just like a dating app. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like a bad CW Show if a CW Show was spam ads on your Insta feed. There’s an app called crave that gives you everything you want when it comes to whoever is on the app. It’s set in a college environment so it’s a controlled location and supposedly once you tell the app what you want it delivers it to you. Oh go fuck yourself. I’m insulted by how cavalier it just assumes acquiescence. A lot of the hooking up has to do with ‘Oh you want so and so, they’re here go get them’. So one scenario has a meek little loser ending up in an elevator with this hot chick. Now the hot chick doesn’t know anything about the meek little loser but we’re to assume that meek little loser hooks up. Yeah, no.
I mean, what the hell do I know? It is college and given how horny you are in college maybe this app works, especially these days with kids so sexualized. Back when I was in college we had ‘Let’s talk about Sex’ by Salt n Pepa and ‘Red Light Special’ by TLC as naughty songs. The most risqué video was the frikkin’ ‘Thong Song’. Now they got WAP. Like basically, they should just come out with a song now that says shove your stuff in my crotch and suck suck suck; call it ‘Suck Suck Suck’. Instead of the ‘Thong Song’ I’m wating for the song called ‘Cervix’. It’ll be five minutes of someone wailing in Autotune ‘Hit my Cervix Harder!’ Regardless, this is a comic and I need a, you know, a story, which would be nice. There’s some flimsy plot about a normal looking dude who has a blah normal looking uppity girlfriend that he ditches for this other hot blonde chick who ignores him but who is probably on the app doing naughty things and gee, I wonder, will he end up doing naughty things with her? Yaaaaawwwn.
Yes the hot blonde that grips this normal dude who has zero likability is the chick on the cover with the nipple tape. I would say as a rule of thumb if you see nipple tape at a chick’s place, run. Is there a preferred nipple tape brand or do they just get by with 3M or Scotch tape. I wonder if that’s like a convo in nipple tape circles. Maybe when you see a bunch of scantily clad hotties arguing in a club it’s not about men or where to shop it’s about the pros and cons of using duct tape as nipple tape versus caution tape.
Oh, that’s another thing, the roommate of the lead boring loser leaves for the weekend or something and before he goes he leaves a post-it note on a desktop monitor to warn his roomie to not use the Crave app. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think college kids even know what a ‘post it’ is other than to mean put that reel up of you puking on so and so on your Insta account? And really? A desktop monitor in a college dorm??? Oh yeah, I’m sure college kids are all about old school 15” desktop iMacs, or are they Commodore 64s on their desks? How ridiculous, I’m gonna write a comic about a dating app and use a post-it note on a desktop monitor as a plot device. I suppose in the next issue our lead loser gets a message on his answering machine that he doesn’t get in time and he’s also unable to receive pings on his Motorola two-way pager. Oy vey.
Another major gripe that I have is I’m totally taken out of the story by this Maria Lovett person putting her name on a chunk of the panels. What is this shit? Is this a thing now? The dude who did Scott Snyder’s ‘Night of the Ghoul’ did this, some Franky Franachancavilla dude. Is this like comic book artist tagging? I get yanked out of the story when I’m reading it and I see a name on the art, like it just pops my imagination bubble. Look at this:
Those little circles in the corner, which are all over the comic, have her name in it and the year although the year is 2022 which tells me, hmm, what does it tell me, it tells me that there should still be zero references to post-it notes and fucking desktop monitors!!!
I will leave you with this. Here’s the thing with dating apps. I’ve met my share of girls off of the apps. Maybe one or two at most looked like their pictures and of them all maybe only one or two did I feel like I had an actual vibe with. Everybody else was a major disappointment or when we met it felt awkward and wonky despite our dozens of messages that we had sent each other. The reason being is that nothing beats vibe. Nothing beats the feeling you get when you see someone in person for the first time and it’s far more of a surer thing to get that vibe from meeting someone out in the world than it is to connect with them on the illusion that they’re projecting on the app. Period. Yes, I hear from many that this is the organic way of meeting somebody these days and to that I say, go fuck yourself.
The tag line of this comic is ‘Tell us what you Crave – We’ll make it happen’. Okay, I crave that all dating apps would go poof and we’d get back to the joy of finding someone in our day to day lives again.
Crave? Swipe left.
Rating: 5.5
Verdict: Drop
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