After a promising first date with Double Dubz main title I’m back for more. Whether it’s punishment or a handy in my La-Z-Boy remains to be seen, maybe it’s both! I would love to get into a serious relationship with WW but man, she’s been a tornado of confusing story arcs that have made my eyes bleed for a long long time. Now the King is back on a DC book and issue one was probably the best start to a new Dubz arc that I’ve seen in over a decade. Problem is, I’ve seen this from Tom King before on a hero book. A title starts off like gangbusters and then it slowly devolves into mulch. Given his recent work on the spectacular ‘Love Everlasting’ title which has gotten through two scintillating arcs without a single hitch, I’m willing to give him a little more leeway. It’s kinda like after you break up with someone you see them doing all these amazing things on their socials, like detoxing, doing yoga, rescuing an animal, wearing a sports jersey, having a garage sale for all the things she stole from you while she was at your house; aww she’s being entrepreneurial.
So for second dates I’m a big fan of an activity assuming you did the standard meet for a drink/coffee for the first. This can manifest as a hike or cycling somewhere together. One of my favorite down low second date ideas that I don’t feel many people use quite often is a bowling date. Bowling dates are awesome! You see her bend over, she sees you bend over, grrr. There are high fives and silly dance moves in clown shoes; it’s the best. If your date can’t let loose, have fun, be silly, banter or be competitive with you then I feel it’s clear that it’s going to end badly regardless of how much of a babe she is. Well, that’s what happened in this second issue from King. I took Dubz bowling in her sexy AF golden dubz outfit and she pretty much just pouted on the plastic seats, insisted that she bowl barefoot and didn’t high five me once after I hit a ridiculously hard spare. Oh, and she just threw the ball at the pins, no dude likes a show off ladies.
First off, I would like to say that I think King writes his fucking ass of for this issue. His dialogue, narration, structure and descriptives are through the roof. I particularly love this line that Dubz says:
Secondly, it’s abundantly clear that Tommy loves him some timelines. Seems like every book he’s on has multiple or concurrent timelines running in them; maybe we should call him ‘The Timeline King’. This issue is no exception as he juxtaposes his present day story with Dubz as a kid challenging an Amazon in Themyscira twice her size during the Amazon trials or games. This time around it works wonderfully as both stories really play off of each other and color in the moments between Dubz as a kid and as woman. So for now, The Timeline King has got it poppin’, let’s hope he doesn’t drop 3 more timelines in issue 3, ya never know.
Speaking of Themyscira, I looked up the spelling just to get it right and saw a
question on the search results that asked “How do they reproduce in Themyscira?”
Here was the answer:
To reproduce and keep the Amazon race alive, the Themyscirans raid ships on the high seas and copulate with men. At the end of the mating, they take their lives and throw their corpses into the sea rather than marry them. Triumphant, the Amazons return to Paradise Island, and wait.
Is this right??? Holy shit! I didn’t know this! How is any of this okay? A bunch of psychotic Six Foot Black Widow Savage Babes jumping on a ship and banging a bunch of dudes and then killing them??? They toss their dead bodies overboard? And the world of superheroes is okay with this? Like, wouldn’t the word get out,
‘Yo here come those pycho chicks in the shiny armor and the swords, do not let them onboard and everybody think of banging Kathy Bates and Jill Biden! Get those dicks into turtle mode boys!’
Can’t they just order some baby juice online with a bunch of turkey basters? Oy. Anyway. So this issue, while immensely enjoyable, does fly off the rails a bit. First, Dubz is just by herself in the valley of some desert waiting to take on the US Army for what I assume is their face off over whether Amazons should be rounded up and kicked out of the country. There’s some dude in a suit who’s smoking a cigar who is running the Army operation that is sending Steve Trevor back and forth between he and Dubz before the attack starts. Why is it that all comic book army douchebags have to smoke cigars? Nick Fury, General Thunderbolt Ross etc. Is that really a thing? Has anybody ever met a General or Army Dude that smokes a stogie while on the battlefield? Seems a bit contrived. I feel like Generals would be more apt to be cokeheads than stogie suckers. I mean what seems more realistic, dudes like Thunderbolt Ross or J. Johah Jameson smoking Cubanos before continuing their obsession over finding and killing the Hulk or Spidey or the two of them doing a shit ton of rails off their desk before turning into the lunatics that they are?
Anyway so Dubz in so many words says in her thought narration that she knows exactly how this will go based on her training. First it will be the aerial attack (bombs) then the cavalry (tanks) and then the infantry (soldiers). So they send a barrage of missiles that hit her point blank and explode all around her…and she walks out of the cloud as if she was pelted with some soft serve ice-cream. Now, at that point, if you’re the fucking US Army, wouldn’t you be like ‘Umm, we just rained a shit ton of missiles on this chick and she deleted them like they were fake dating profiles’ wouldn’t you go back to the drawing board??? You wouldn’t say ‘Okay let’s send in some tanks and if for some reason they don’t work let’s send in some soldiers to fight her at point blank range’. WTF??!!? How stupid must you be if you think tanks and soldier dudes can outdo a barrage of missiles???
So the Tanks come and all of a sudden Dubz turns into the Incredible Hulk:
Seriously? Was she always this strong? I mean, I haven’t read Dubz titles like I’ve read Bats titles but I don’t remember ever seeing her whip objects as big as tanks around like she’s from Krypton. Is she invincible? I get the Warrior Bad Ass vibe but making her impervious to missiles while tossing tanks around like I do with doggie plush toys for my little princess seems a bit over the top.
That said, King leaves us with a solid cliffhanger/plot development at the end of the issue, so, I dunno. I mean, the 2nd Dubz Date was decent. She looks great. She told some amusing anecdotes. Maybe she lied a bit but, you know, that happens when you're trying to impress someone. Clearly there's a bunch of red flags here but it's not like she's going to steal my little fur baby and take off to an undisclosed location in Palm Springs or set fire to my piano. I'll give it a day or two and text her a cutesy message, maybe send her a meme.
I'm down for another date but we are far far far away from entering into a relationship. But who am I kidding? It's not like I got options these days. Dubz is the only babe on my phone giving me any attention. It's like that Eddie Murphy joke, when you haven't had sex in like forever and you finally get some it's like getting a Saltine cracker after not eating for several days.
Wonder Woman #2 in 2023. The best Saltine Cracker on the Stands.
Rating: 7.7
Verdict: Pull
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