DETECTIVE COMICS #1063 - Review

 

There’s something about reading a Batman comic in NYC that feels right. It’s where he was born. It’s where he belongs. It’s like performing Shakespeare in London or listening to today's Top 20 songs in a Porta-Potty. I’m actually staying in Brooklyn so I wondered, besides Biggie Smalls and Jay Z who are the superheroes of this borough? Hoo boy, slim pickings. You got Miles Morales who, I dunno, it’s like Spidey Lite. It’s Nightwing or Bucky or the new Mongolian Robin. One of them shows up and you’re like ‘Cool’ but you’re not like ‘Oh Shit!’. After Miles it gets oooogly. There’s some guy named ‘The Purple Heart’ who appears in some web comic all purpled out and engulfed in purple flames. Seems like he needs to transfer over to the West Village. Then there’s some dude named ‘The Brooklynite’ another web comic dude who was a cartoonist that got radiated and turned into a guy with ‘Superman powers and Spiderman problems’. Yeah, there be slim pickings fo sho. 

 

Anwyay, I was psyched to dig back into this new Detective Comics tale. For those keeping score last issue I compared this title to a couple of twins where one was a hottie and one was a nottie. This title in relation to Batman was always the nottie but (hum Bad Romance but Gaga)

 

Ram, Ram ma ma mahhh

Ramma Momma Ma

Batty Shmatty Ooh Ramma Mah

 

Ram V! Ram V came with the goods and hooked me with a solid issue. As the sirens blared and the construction whinged in my ears I dove back into the Nottie Title that was transformed into a Hottie and man, it reverted back to full Nottie on me. What the hell happened? Okay so, some Eastern European Vampiric Ghoulish Ancient Sect of Occulty Psychos named the Orghams are coming back to claim the rights for Arkham. That's fine. I think they could make out better if instead they focused on buying out a bunch of buildings from Landlords who can't evict anyone due to pandemic rulings. They could make a killing there. Some blonde dude on a ship gets angry for some reason after a woman who's got a three pronged plug outlet for her eyes chats him up which causes his hands to melt the railing.I get it, babes with USB outlets for eyes are much kinder and diplomatic for sure.

 

Two Face is sitting in an empty club looking like the Phantom of the Opera with some half mask covering up his face listening to a hot blonde croon some random tune. Who is this girl? Is she on dating apps? I bet she’s stringing some loser along who thinks he has a shot with her but she keeps cancelling on him due to her ‘Sing to a Bat Villain in n empty club’ gig. Apparently Twoferone is now a shell of his former self and when Bats shows up he acts like he’s his therapist. Several pages later one of the ancient sect psychos is blowing something in face that debilitates him and has Twosies frothing at the mouth on the street. Did they use that Colombian ‘Devil’s Breath’ on him where you can get anyone to do whatever you want if you breath it on them. If I could get my hands on that stuff I would hook it up to a diffuser on the hood of my car so I could spray it all over LA Traffic. Then I’d get a bullhorn and tell everyone to pull over. Imagine driving up the 405 at 4p on Friday with nothing but a clear road. Thanks Devil!

 

The Commish Gordon back-up story was okay, nothing special. The non-binaryish dude chick from the first issue somehow escaped a bunch of armed men in an enclosed space and just showed up next to Gordon in a cemetary. I feel totally blindsided after such a great first issue of this story. It’s like I relented and took out the Nottie Twin and she showed up all cute and acted wonderfully on our first date. Emboldened I asked her out again and invited her to a party with actual people. Next thing I know she’s shoving food in her blouse like a drunk Dan Akroyd Santa from Trading Places and dancing like Elaine Benes on the kitchen counter. Nooo bad Nottie, no! The only way I’m able to escape the party and get her out is because I agree to let her get naked piggy back on my shoulders as I bray like a donkey and gallop to my car. That’s what THIS issue is. Bats braying like a donkey and Commish Gordon is dancing like Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker on the stairs but slipping and falling down them.

 

You know what this comic is? So, you know when you walk into a comic book shop for the first time and you head to the back issue section? You’re always looking for deals or mispriced issues. I’ll rifle through the Hulks and the Conans and then make my way over to the Bat stuff. So if I’m browsing the back Bat stuff I’ll inevitable come upon some Detective Comics and there will always be a bunch from like the 80s or 90s that for some reason are priced at $2-3. I’ll see the covers and go, hmm, these look kinda cool, and they’re cheap. So I’ll piece together the issues so I have a complete story and then think that I scored, ‘Sweet I just got almost a dozen Bat books for a twenty spot’. But then I’ll go home and start reading them and go ‘Ohhh, yeah, I get it, these are two bones because they suck’.

 

That’s what this issue turned into. Twenty years from now some AI Kid living in a hologram above the earth is going to unplug and send his virtual avatar to an earthly comic book museum and he’ll find this crinkled book and see the cover and think, ‘This is bloongy cadoongy’ (the new word for cool). Sorry kid.

 

I’m gonna give Rammy Vee the benefit of the doubt after a solid first issue and give it another try next month but if Nottie is dressed like a Furry and forcing me to join her in a Tik Tok challenge in the middle of the street I’m dropping her and this title. 

 

Rating: 7.6

Verdict: Pull on Alert