If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the world of dating and relationships it is this: You can’t bank on potential. Meaning, you can’t be with someone based on who you think they are going to be or who they can be. You’re with who you’re with. But if she only…no, she won’t only that or this or the thing that unlocks her X Men superpower, she won’t. You could beg and plead and cajole over and over but it won’t matter. Millions upon billions of people have let their potential go to poop why do you think this one’s any different? Because she’s bobbing on your knob and makes a great quesadilla? Better to jump ship before you spend your entire life living off of potential with a perpetual scowl on your face and a scar on your soul.
Deep. I know. This is a comic book thingamajig, right? Yup. Seven Sons is that super babe with potential who just isn’t seeming to get it right. I could stick around for the entire series but I know those feelings I’m going to feel at the end of it all: resentment, confusion, defeat. My goodness it looks soooo good. Jae Lee is a bonafide super duper star artist, for rizzle. But this story is officially off the fucking rails.
First of all, what’s with this cover? Half naked ethnicky dude with a Stranger Things Demogorgon mouth on his chest. If I jump into that will it take me to the set of Stranger Things Season 5? Pretty please! No. It won’t and there’s nothing in this book that even references the gaping maw on this cover. So I looked up this Robert Windom dude who wrote this book with another guy. The first thing that it says about him is that he’s an entertainment attorney. Hoo boy. His claim to fame is that he wrote some indy rom com you never heard of called Stars Fell on Alabama. Now I’m wondering how did Jae Lee get roped into this? Is this his attorney? Did he lose a bet? Is he blackmailing him off of a K Town Karaoke night gone bad? Believe me, you wanna blackmail somebody just take them to a K Town Karaoke night VIP style, it will bring out their inner demon or damning footage involving an REO Speedwagon tune.
Next thing I realize is that the co-writer of the book is a guy named Kelvin Mao who also wrote some action film called 10 minutes gone several years ago that nobody hear of. Then I found this pic of him:
Look at all that alcohol! Look at the guy next to him with THREE glasses to Mao’s one. Look at his T-Shirt! Vandersexxx. Had to look that one up, seems like it’s a reference to a Eurotrip Movie where Lucy Lawless was in a scene as a Dominatrix. Attorney. Alcohol. Karaoke. Dominatrix. Super Star Comic Book Artist. Second Rate Hacks. It’s starting to add up isn’t it? Jae are you in trouble? You need someone to come talk to these dudes? I know people who know people who know people, namean?
As for this specific issue, dude, I mean, I don’t know what the hell is going anymore. Radical Islamic psychos from 1999 central casting show up every few pages and shoot any and everyone. We’re down to, I think don’t quote me, 2 sons? One escapes which is completely unbelievable since the control freak religious fanatical con artist dad would have cameras and people everywhere at all times keeping tabs on the sons. The son who is plastered all over the country as the second coming escapes is still somehow fooling people in this blonde Final Fantasy wig that he got at CVS for $4.99. Like if Beyonce walked outside with a red wig we’d all go, hmm who is that?
Finally he randomly ends up on a train? What? Following clues that a son just killed by the 1999 Die Hard rejects wanted him to find. Uggh. It looks lovely. I love Jae Lee. This apparently is his first series since 1994. I can only imagine he’s tied up somewhere in Kelvin Mao’s K Town apartment with the Attorney Dude walking around in heels and fishnets forcing him to illustrate their story. They’re both laughing and eating hot wings in the living room and swiping through Tinder or Grndrr or whatever while one of the great Comic Book Cover Artists of our generation is eating top ramen and drinking room temp mountain dews as he works off his Karaoke debt.
Don’t go to K Town unless you’re prepared to pay the consequences.
Rating: 4.5
Verdict: Drop
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