I don’t know what social media is anymore. It’s not social, I mean, I rarely if ever see anybody that I’m connected to online; well, at least not in person. Besides that, I’m not sure if it’s technically media. Media is broadly defined as either information or as a way to communicate. I don’t think I’m getting either of that, I’m just getting clips. Clips of shit that, I dunno, might be funny, might be interesting, might make me wonder what they’re like naked, but that’s it. Nobody’s trying to communicate with me or deliver pertinent information. In fact, I would say the entire social media landscape is just a bouillabaisse of randomness designed to inculcate you with ads while shaving years off of your life so that you’re not contributing to the death of a dying planet; at least that’s what the climate cultists would say.
Yeah, not a fan, and yet, I probably spend an hour or so on it a day. During my travels through the cyber lands of nonsensical poop I find myself bemused that the algorithm thinks it knows me pretty well by dumping tailored caca in front of my squinting eyes. Well, it did get me recently. I don’t know why but it began showing me these David Portnoy reels where this Barstool Sports guy, who I’d never heard of before, reviews cheese pizza pies from places all over the country. His signature line is ‘One bite, everybody knows the Rules’. He then gnaws and gnashes at a slice with a couple bites at the top of the slice and one or two at the crust. Clearly this is a direct violation of the ‘One Bite’ slogan since reviews don’t take place after 4 or maybe 5 bites. Sometimes he goes to a second slice, so maybe it's one bite then I go nom nom nom. I wonder if he does this with his dates ‘One piece of clothing off, nothing else, we both know the rules’ and then he proceeds to strip them naked in less than a minute. Anyway, his reviews are brutally honest and he rarely gives anyone over an 8.5.
I now watch these fucking reviews daily. They’re always in my feed. Why do I watch them? I have no idea. Maybe there’s the curiosity about the score, maybe there’s some indirect satisfaction gleaned from watching somebody eat a slice that I’m unable to. Maybe I like guessing the scores. In fact, I’ve seen so many of these reviews that I’ve become eerily accurate in predicting his scores. Once he opens up that pizza box and lifts a slice out I’m like ‘Oh, that’s a 6.8 tops’ or ‘Hmm, that’s got too much of a flop but it’s got a nice under carriage, I bet he goes 8.1 with this’. Yup, that’s my life. Thanks Social Fucking Media!
I say all of this because the title to this review of this comic book should be called ‘One Page, Everybody Knows the Rules’. It took one page, just one page for me to read and I knew this comic was going to suck donkey scrotum. Why? Look at these two pretentious dipshits eating Pizza outside of a pizza shop in New York.
Completely unrealistic, this would never happen. The author is clearly not from
New York and clearly has no clue about anything in regards to pizza. Maybe he
should watch some undercarriages and flops in El Presidente’s reels to get an
idea.
People don’t buy a single slice from a Pizza shop, walk outside of the Pizza shop, and then stand there without a paper plate or anything and just talk to each other. This is some contrived bullshit. I don’t care if they have superpowers. If they did then they should levitate the slices while they chat, that would be more believable. I mean look at this gorgeous thick thighed Boricua holding her slice walking around:
No self respecting bomb ass Latina Babe from the city
would everrrr hold a slice like that, and walk around barefoot on the streets like
an armpit haired hippie chick from Kansas; holding it in front of her without a
bite yet, like it’s a boomerang. You get a slice, it’s put on a plate or on a
plate and in a paper bag, you take the fucking thing out, sprinkle cheese and
red pepper over it, and bite into it either before or right after you leave the
shop. This dude looks like a fucking uptight economics student that just
transferred from Harvard or Yale to Fairleigh Dickinson because he was caught
up in some sex scandal with a professor. Then these two completely unrealistic
characters just walk into the street, there’s no traffic, holding their slices,
no flop, like they’re holding a slice in a Domino's commercial where the product placement guy from the Ad Agency is from Iowa.
This such a fucking insult to pizza eaters all over the world. Kieron Gillen, dude, what the fuck. Where are you from? Britain! Now it all makes sense. Look at this guy:
Yeah, I don’t wanna buy comics from a guy who looks like this. This is a guy who was a Barista when he was in High School and who happily spelled your name wrong on the coffee cup on purpose. He’s the kind of guy who will flick a booger into your latte and then hand it to you with a smile. He’s probably ratting out people for social media posts in England while wandering the streets in Fetish Gear. Dude, stay away from New York. Put these losers in Liverpool or wherever and have them walking around eating Bread Pudding with a pint balanced on their heads.
There’s some cockamamie plot about, I dunno, pseudo X-Men posturing against each other. Then there’s this douchebag...
He’s like the most powerful of them all, yeah right. Look at this fucking guy. He’s one of those crypto assholes who thinks he’s a DJ and spends most of his time in a villa in Ibiza on Molly while banging underage locals. Maybe this is what the author’s ex looked like. I can see that. I can see him trying to get back in his good graces ‘Honey I just made you the baddie in my comic bookie, come back to daddy’s man poon’.
Then there’s this whole sequence where the D-Bag DJ kills the President of the United States and everybody in his War Room. Umm, maybe that’s a little too on the nose there KG what with the recent events in the US. Is this what you mean by Power Fantasy? I’m not trying to be political here but whatever mess we have in our country is our fucking mess. If you want to kill a politician, do it in your own backyard otherwise it feels really yucky coming from a sour puss looking bloke like yourself.
This reminds me of Mark Millar’s recent series ‘The Ambassadors’ which also wasn’t very good. Similar theme, there’s 6 powerful people all over the world who can change the world, blah blah blah. When you go to Millar’s personal site and click on ‘Comics’ this book is nowhere to be found so he probably thinks it’s as poopy as I do. Generally speaking, if you’re going to introduce heroes or people with extraordinary abilities you better make sure they’re really really strong and developed characters with specific traits. Making them look different doesn’t mean anything. So what? You did some woke casting on the heroes, big whoop. I don’t care what they look like or what they can do or what their preference for smooching is. Are. They. Interesting? The verdict here is, no, no they’re not. If you can’t tell that by the pages before you then, oh well, enjoy an overhyped yawnfest of a book.
I will say this: Casper Wijngaard’s art is wonderful to look at and of course Clayton Cowles’ lettering is perfect as always.
I’d like to bring back Dave Portnoy’s Pizza Review format for the final punctuation mark on this poop fest. So let’s assume this comic is a slice of pizza. One Issue every body knows the Rules: Flip Flip Flip Flip Toss. Frankie, what the fuck was this? I’m going low Frankie real low. Looks good. No flop on the art or the letter carriage. The plot is a bit doughy. I’m going 5.1
RATING: 5.1
VERDICT: Drop the Flop
