September '24 Reading Round Up

 

 

 

I absolutely loved, and I mean truly loved, the original Joaquin Phoenix ‘Joker’ movie. I thought it was one of the best movies to have graced our screens in the past several years. It transcended the traditional comic book flick. Phoenix deserved every accolade and award that came his way; his performance was that good. Couple that movie with Reeves’ ‘The Batman’ which I thought was also quite good despite a plot that went off the rails, and I thought we were in for a new golden age of Batman movies. Pattison’s Batman was surprisingly great and Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman was a wham bam knockout. Of course they teased some other dude as the Joker at the end of  ‘The Batman’ but that’s easily corrected had they decided to unite the two movies under one umbrella later.

 

Yet there was nothing really that developed about the two alt-universes becoming one and then the chatter started about this Joker Sequel being turned into a musical with Lady Ra Ma Ma Ma as Harley. Now, I’m actually a big musical guy, love ‘em. Yup. I’m one of those guys that raved about the movie La La Land and cried during Les Miz with Wolverine as Jean Valjean and Anne Hathaway as a blubbering teary eyed Fantine. Needless to say, I was amped up for this new Joker movie.

 

And…well, haven’t seen it yet hahahaha. I mean, wow, the reviews are fucking brutal dude. Holy Thumbs Down Batman! It’s being torn apart across the board by everyone. I mean, if it was a mixed bag of good and bad I’d dismiss the bad press and go, yet this is a resounding bleccch from the world. That doesn’t mean I still won’t love it, but it does mean I can wait until it gets to streaming to cry and sputter like a baby in the comfort of my own home with my own homemade organic popcorn with pauses for doggie pee breaks.

 

It’s a shame how far hero movies have fallen. I’m about to dive into the Deadpool Wolvy flick, yet I’m not really a fan of either of those characters. I vividly remember when Tim Burton’s first Batman came out and what a historical event that was. Now, hero movies are as common as bat shit crazy social media reels except they come with 200 million dollar price tags. What’s the solution? Well, easy, stop making them! Seriously. Give the world a break, like, take 3-4 years off and come back with something special. Put the Comic Book movie and TV Show for that matter on a time out and develop the characters in their monthlies more. Will that happen? Duh, of course not, the studios are face planting their noses into comic book IP like it’s a mound of coke on their desks. Hopefully for our sake the recent spate of complete and utter bombs will at least temper the release schedule.

 

 

 

Another idea is to send in a violent Venezuelan gang into Marvisney and DC with the goal of having both of them forced to release all rights of everything comic book related to Titan Comics since they’re clearly the best comic book publisher right now. Oh I kid I kid. Here’s what I got into last month:   

 

 

 

What a majestic finale this was. Seriously, this is why you stick with stories penned by creators like Juni Ba, you have to trust that they’re ultimately going to deliver and deliver he did. I was underwhelmed by the first couple of issues of this mini-series but things took a turn at the halfway point where you could tell that Juni had designs on making this great. For the first time, I feel like I actual know who’s who in the Bat Universe as far as all the Robins, Wings, Thighs and Hoods are concerned. Not only that, I understand their dynamics. Ba’s spectacular visual style was a given going into this yet he truly elevated this tale into a familial drama that transcended the hero genre. He twisted the ending into something that landed not only in the world at large but in your life as well. A star is born. I don’t give many of these out but it is well deserved  10.0

 

I’ve run out of superlatives to describe this series. I mean, I could just copy and paste a shitload of adjectives but even then it wouldn’t measure up to how great this series has been. Actually, it’s not just this series. I’m going to lump in the entire Conan experience that Titan is currently bringing to the comic book world at large. Without a doubt, Titan’s Hyborian Age is the Golden Age for Conan fans and fans that don’t even know they’re Conan fans yet. The current issue is another take of the Frost Giant story that I’ve read a bunch of times before but it’s somehow new all over again in the hands of this creative team. I wasn’t over the moon for Braithwaite’s art in his first run of issues of this title but this time around his work is the perfect fit for the snowy climes of the Vanir and the Aesir. Grab these books and treat yourself. 9.6

 

Ooh, even more Conan!

 

Hey Marvisney and Dee Cee Ya Later, this is how you do a frikkin’ crossover event through a bunch of titles. Now granted, Titan doesn’t have 500 books on the stands yet, but Jim Zub has masterfully woven (notice the term woven) this through line of a Dark Evil Black Stone that affects multiple characters through multiple eras and books. Getting everything needed for this storyline won’t even come close to breaking the bank. If you’ve been reading their Conan title since it first released you’re already halfway there! Also, something that’s really cool is that they’re including a Novel as part of the crossover event, how cool is that? Growing up I remember reading and collecting all of those Conan paperback books that I used to see in bookstores or in cardboard boxes at garage sales. Again, I cannot say enough about how fantastic a job Titan is doing with this historical character. My goodness, just, please find a way to get every character out of Marvel and DC’s clutches somehow! Can you imagine what Titan could do for every comic book hero if given the chance??? 8.8

 

 

Saga has turned into a beautiful woman without a spark. You know what I’m talking about? You’re in a long term relationship with this gorgeous girl. She checks all the boxes. There’s no conflicts, no fights, by all accounts you’re fine. Yet something’s missing. That fire is gone. Sure, looks will fade and beauty isn’t everything but she was more than just beauty, she was smart, insightful, adventurous, spontaneous; now all of those qualities seems to have faded away. There’s no way you could ever think of dumping her but man, it’s rough. You try different things but nothing seems to change the fact that your relationship is stagnant and stale despite the fact that there’s a talking spider in the house with a punk haircut. Welcome to Saga in 2024. 7.5

 

 

 

Well, I didn’t have ‘Samurai Chick saves Cowboy from being anally raped by members of an army that are fighting zombies on an island of purgatory between life and death’ on my 2024 Bingo card, did you? This was a pivotal issue for me since I thought the first two were a little heavy on the violence and less on the relationships. Yet Duggan & Co have paced this perfectly and have set up the next installments to really let this romance unfold between two very unlikely characters. Sometimes a premise is so bonkers it takes your logical mind out of the equation and makes you deal with the creation as it is presented to you; this is one of those times. I’m looking forward to seeing how love can bloom on Zombie Island. 8.1

 

 

 

I ponied up and got the pricey David Mack variant cover for Lemire's new series 'Minor Arcana'. Ain't it purty? It kind of threw me for a loop. It was sitting there front and center on my comic book rack for weeks and when I finally picked it up to read, the jagged water color Lemire linework made me do a double take. I was wrongfully expecting more Mack. It’s like going on a date with a Babe who’s make-up is perfect and dressed to the 9s and you find out she loves the band Rancid, curses like a sailor (do sailors curse as much as they used to) and eats nothing but crappy fast food. Anyway, a girl returns home to her small town from the city to take care of her ailing Mom and is forced to take over her cheap Psychic business and all wacky weird Lemire-ness ensues. Just take my money. 8.6

 

Another 6 issues that crush your comic book geek soul and now another Monstress hiatus. I’m pretty sure they’ve outsourced this to scientific labs or advanced AI to figure out how long they can go with a chunk of issues before they cause the 13 readers that are left reading this comic to say 'that’s enough' and drop the title from their pull. Clearly Image is funding this as a social experiment. Truth be told a lot of what is coming out of Image these days is kinda p to the oop so maybe Kirkman has been compromised or kidnapped and replaced with an evil clone the same way that Marj Liu has. I seriously can’t anymore with this book. The plot has been muddied so much it’s turned to sludge. This comic is a prime example of how not to introduce so many characters to a story that your audience forgets who the fuck is who. Like seriously, there’s so many wolves, foxes, snakes, cats, tigers and wrinkly insane old women in this fucking story I lost track back in 2021 and it’s turned into a mish mosh of knowing looks and menacing glares. If I don’t see ‘Final Arc’ in their solicits next year I’m, I’m gonna have to have an comic book intervention so I don’t add this to my pull like a drug addled meth addict in a trailer park. 3.0

 

 

 Another fun fun issue by Hickman and co. I will say though, I think Hickman has his Borough Villains a bit wrong. Kraven should most definitely be the Head of Brooklyn not Staten Island. He’s Russian, big Russian pop in Brooklyn. He wears Cheetah Print leggings which is like a fashion staple for Brooklyn Babes. I could see Kraven rifling through some spots on Nostrand or Flatbush looking to complement his get-up and then getting all hyped up over the huge animal print selection. Mysterio is forrrr surrrre the Staten Island head. Why? Obviously since there’s a circular smoky space helmet on him you’d never know which of the Wu Tang clan is taking over the Mysterio persona at any given moment. I had to reread the scene with Mysterio in this issue but I think it’s either Inspektah Deck or Ghostface Killer. Just a hunch. 8.5

 

That's all I got! Thanks for popping by and happy comic booking.

WONDER WOMAN #11-12 - Review & Evisceration

 

 

What the actual Eff to the Uck? Are you kidding me??? What is this tripe? What in William Moulton’s name is going on here??? Dude. Eff you DC. Like, seriously. Thanks but no thanks for taking a monumental dump on this comic book. A comic book that I was actually enjoying for the first time in almost a decade thanks to Tom King who was working on a solid narrative. A narrative that paired wonderfully with Daniel Sampere’s stunning art that was bringing this title back to readable and pull-able on a monthly basis.

 

I knew I was in trouble once I saw ‘Tie-In’ in the solicits. I didn’t think it would be too bad. I figured I’d have to endure a few pages of WTF that tracked to a crossover event I had zero interest in. Nope. Nothing could be further from the truth. This entire issue was hijacked by this Absolute Power bullshit. They said it was a tie-in. It was more like a tie-up. Actually no, it was more like a Tie Down on the floor with some dominatrix industry grade twine and the heel of a Stiletto in your nostril.

 

 

Right from page one it was a poop show: A poker game in the Watergate Hotel with Dubz, some, I dunno non-descript characters, Zatanna (I think), John Constantine (who I can’t stand) and, what the fuck is this? A monkey in a Sherlock Holmes outfit? Jeez. Like, how much of a coke and tranq addiction do the suits of DC have?

 

 

Let’s get something straight comic book making people. You are NOT allowed to have anthropomorphic characters anymore. That’s right. If you’re making a comic book that is off limits. The only comic that gets to use Anthropomorphic characters is Saga. Sah-Guh. They have monopolized that market, cornered the industry and staked their claim on that entire story device. Saga can do anything they want with that. A Panda Bear with a Tit on it’s ear. An Elephant dressed up like Wyatt Earp that has two butts and shoots naked Anime Babes out of its pistols. A Ferrett Pimp with three dicks that resembles Burt Reynolds; whatever they want! So if you think it’s cheeky to give me Detective Chimp playing poker, it’s not. 

 

I want to be clear that I do not blame Tom King for any of this. This is the DC Suits dressed as Furries with cutouts for their bungholes barging into Tom King's home and demanding he write the Watergate Poker Game that Zaslav dreamed up while taking orders from Klaus Schwab in Geneva.

 

My goodness, what the hell is going on in this comic? Shazam appears out of nowhere, an Iron Man looking flying robot with Elf Ears bursts through the hotel window of the poker game. Wait, why is it in the Watergate? Like, is this a commentary or something about, what? Scandal. Corruption. Government Shenanigans? Tricky Dicks? A Doctor Doom looking rip off without the Doom is flying around and – I can’t. I’m flipping through this comic like it’s a tattered ‘Creepshow’ comic without a cover in a 5 cent bin at a Garage Sale. This is not even close to being readable.

 

The low point of the entire DC Comics Publishing History may actually be this panel.

 

 

 

Like, Chimplock Holmes has had enough and he’s ready to take down the flying Elf Robot! Yeah, man, give it that Ooo Ooo Ooo War Cry! This is like my Ten Pound Terrier on her leash getting all worked up at a hundred pound Pit Bull while she’s on her walk; settle down babe, you’re as big as that thing’s head. I think DC Suits are back to doing acid again. It’s the only explanation I can think of as to why their non Black Label line has become so pooptastic. Like, clearly Marvel dudes like Lee, Kirby and Co. were high as a kite in the Sixties when they were pumping out comics. Yet they were obviously on Marijuana. Their stories were totally a:

 

 ‘Dude, wouldn’t it be wild if so and so did so and so and went into space and there’s like this other Space Dude doing Space things and they, like, Dude, meet another Space Dude who radiates him and turns him into a Super Space Dude and then takes him to another Dimension?’

 

Then they would laugh for several hours and make the comic. DC creators were clearly on psychedelics. They were seeing rainbows and technicolor animals goofily dancing in bubblegum panels with their goofy hero premises. You couldn’t really take DC seriously until Frank Miller wrote ‘The Dark Knight Returns’, then it was, ohh shit, wait a minute, is DC cool? But, yeah, I think DC is doing Plastic Man Acid Tabs again.

 

And who is this Amanda Waller chick? Is she the Elf Robot? I have no fucking idea, I had to CIA Data Suck/Google it. This is what they told me:

 

Though lacking superpowers, Amanda Waller is often portrayed as a ruthless, high-ranking government official who uses guile, political connections, and intimidation to achieve her goals, often in the name of national security.

 

So she’s Kamala Harris? I think if they just went with the actual Word Salad Kamala you’d have a winner of a crossover event. Maybe then DC could be unburdened by what has been, Lord knows they got burdens, lots of fucking burdens. I also would be down if the Absolute Power villain was called the Cackler, another Kamala type hero. Then the enraged psychopathic Chimp attack would make a lot more sense. I mean, could anything be more sinister and diabolical then Wonder Woman giving her best punch to the Cackler and then seeing this:

 

 

 

Another fucked up thing DC did is they came out with all these cool Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez Variant Covers that just haaaappened to be ready for the month that this crossover BS would hit the Dubz title along with every other main DC title.

 

 

Admittedly these throwback covers were fantastic and fun, I totally bit. So this dope cover is sitting in my comic rack for a while just giving me ‘You’re gonna love this’ vibes until of course I opened it and psychedelic vomit poured all over my living room. You had to figure they knew the insides were diseased so they pulled out these covers that were probably sitting around for a Defcon 1 situation such as this.

 

So I tossed this issue into my closet, like people toss traumatic events into the dark recesses of their psyche and turned to the next issue to – wait, what? Another fucking Heel in my Nostril Tie Down? There’s another entire issue full of this Absolute Poop Fest! Dude! What happened to continuity??? You had a great set up at the end of Issue 10, I’m all excited for what comes next then you ram a jagged razor in my ass and say spend $10 on two months worth of excrement! Look at this junk:

 

 

Now Damian/Robin is at a table with Dubz! Is this a new motif? Let’s put heroes in normal situations like tables and cafes and coffee shops? Look, if I’m a waiter and these Mofos walk into my Steakhouse and it’s not anywhere near Halloween I’m bolting out the fucking door. First of all, do you see any pockets on Dubz and Dame? No, no you don’t. Where’s their fucking money? Who’s paying for their steak tartare and oyster shooters? The Dude in the Trench? Who is the Dude in the Trench and how much has he spent on OnlyFans in the past week? 10, 20 thousand? I have no fucking idea who he is nor do I care. A few panels before the steakhouse scene he was doing this:

 

 

 

That’s exactly my reaction when I realized I dropped $5 for swill. My fancy chocolate bars that I get at Whole Foods cost $5. I could be gnawing on some amazing dark chocolate and raising my testosterone levels but no, I’m ingesting the fetid moronic thoughts of the dipshits who run the comic book arm of this media conglomerate that is sinking faster than Katy Perry’s Insta views.

 

 

Wait a minute, is there another one of these??? DUDE. Issue #13 is ALSO more of this Kamala garbage! Wait a minute, look at this, there’s 39 fucking issues that tie in to this cross it off your pull list event. 39! The losers at Warner Discovery want normal honest comic book loving geeks like you and me to drop 200 Bucks in a shit economy on this pathetic marketing angle. Warner Discovery is hemorrhaging money as their business model completely falls the fuck apart. I bet Zaslav took a break from dining on children in his Executive Suite to run into the DC Editor meeting and demand that heroes eat at tables like the rest of us eat!

 

Look at their stock price! Eight bucks a share, what a joke! It used to be $50. That’s what will happen to this comic book. It costs $5 today. In a few years it’ll be worth 75 cents on a ‘Make Me an Offer’ eBay page. Your stock price costs less than a 1:50 comic book shop exclusive variant from a shop that nobody has ever heard of or will ever visit, what with its inflated price based on nothing but manufactured artificial scarcity.

 

Wait, there’s some character in this series called Elongated Man? Elongated Man??? Does he use a Penis Pump? Is he called Penis Pump man in your perverted DC editorial meetings and then you changed it to Elongated Man to skate under the censors? How fucking high are you people? Did Pfizer pop into a meeting and urge you to drop a subliminal character on horny comic geeks all over the world? Are the Pfizer reps blotto also? Does some DC Comics Intern have to drop 25 pounds of coke onto the floor and line it from the elevator to Zaslav’s office? I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

 

 

I happily pick up poop every day from my little Princess. I love her with all my heart. If you’re dead set on smearing your titles with poop I wanna let you know that I’m here to help. Clearly my Princess’s poop is an upgrade over your story lines, just tell me where to send it. I’ll do it on one condition. That you change the name of this tie in event to Absolute Poop. I can hear the cackling in the air. It’s a hearty cackle. You’re welcome.

 

Rating: 1.0

Verdict: Unburden yourself from this Event.