Seems like I ignited a fire crackin' hullabaloo over at League of Comic Geeks when I commented on the 4th issue of Ultimate Spidey. I have my own blurb of a review below but I basically said that the entire issue was a fucking waste of time and bored me to tears. Hickman had zero panels of Spidey actual being Spidey. No, Peter Parker at a double dinner date with MJ, Harry and Gwen looking like a Mormon does not count as Spidey panels. They did their homage to a bad acting class scene for Issue 4 and Issue 5 is pegged as a Backstory Bingo for Harry because Marco, their amazing Artist, was unavailable after the first 3 issues. Which means, they had a hiatus, yet rather than take the time off they shoved these two useless issues down our throats and collected their 2 months of comic dollar butter for their coffers.
The Geeks got upset, 'It's Character Development!' they cried. 'Aww, you should just play with your Action Figures if all you want is action' they sneered. Look, an Artist is just as integral if not more when it comes to a Comic. You just can't swap someone out like they're a drummer in an 80s Metal Band and think it'll be a seamless transition. Hickman obviously knows this since he all but halted the main narrative and veered off into a Dinner Party and a Backstory far far from the ongoing action. So this basically comes down to Marvisney being greedy and not being okay with having a gap in their publishing schedule. Eff you Marvisney. May your Stock crater and your Market Cap crumble.
It's such a shame because the first 3 issues were really enjoyable. It's like you've gone out with a beautifully intelligent babe for 3 dates and then for no reason you're forced to date her Blob of a roommate who looks like the female lead in Baby Reindeer. She shows up to your first of two dates dressed like she just came from a 2024 college protest and it's scared little turtle time in your boxer briefs. Yeah, I turned off that Baby Reindeer series when the Psycho Ogre confronted the male lead in a dimly lit street late at night angry about not getting the anal that the guy promised she'd be getting.
Anyway, here's what else I got into this month:
Ram V is an auto-fuckin-matic pull these days. I see his name on anything I’m
grabbing that sucka. Well, except for Detective Comics. I tried. It was brutal.
I blame DC. For some reason there’s been a controlled demolition on the cheaper
Batman titles; they’ve been awful. Unreadable. The pricey Bat Stuff has been
consistently great. So clearly DC’s strategy is let’s make them have to get the pricey Bat stuff and
then make them have to buy the cheap
wack AF Bat stuff with the top shelf writers in Zdarsky and Rammy. They’ll hate
the cheap shit but still buy it because they have faith in the writers. They’ll
always buy the pricey shit because they know it’ll be waaay better than the
cheap shit. Well, you got me on the pricey shit but I ain’t buying your Pabst
Blue Ribbon Store Brand Bats. Anyway, Rammy get’s an automatic pull. Except,
well, I’m not really a fan of the, what is it called, ‘The Mech’ genre? I get
that a lot of geeks geek the fuck out over this type of material, but not me.
So, while I can appreciate that Dawnrunner is probably good and would probably tickle
my Mech Prostate if I was into Mech, the fact of the matter is that I’m not. Like,
I think ‘Transformers’ stuff is goofy AF; even when I was a kid. So I grabbed
an ish outta respect for the Rammy, but yeah, this type of stuff is a snoozer
for me. On to the next V.
King, listen to me, you have the makings of
what very well could be one of the greatest stories to ever hit the comic book
world in decades. I’m not saying that it will be, I’m saying it could be. You
have a great set-up, a perfectly crafted world with three very distinct and
strong lead characters. You have an Artist, in Bilquis Evely, who is drawing out
of her mind and blistering these pages with her line work. And, from what I can
tell, you have a publisher in Dark Horse who won’t call you into an Editor’s
meeting and force you to put on fetish gear and demand naughty things from you
as you agree to destroy your story (looking at you DC). I hope Helen of Wyndhorn isn’t a
limited series. I hope you take the time to explore this world and build it out
into something extraordinary. Between this, Dubz and Love Everlasting you have become the Aaron Judge of comics and are absolutely blistering these story balls into the upper decks.
I cannot recommend Rare Flavours enough,
what an absolutely wonderful tale by Ram V that is beautifully drawn by ARTIST.
I mean, what genre is this comic? Next Level? You Wish You Could? Maybe Ram V
should start his own publishing company and call it The Grand One in response
to DC and Marvisney being call the Big 2, or the Big Poo as I like to call
them. The mastery in this specific issue is that nothing earth shattering
happens as it draws to its conclusion. Rather, it is a delicate reveal of all
the characters, their motives and vulnerabilities. It’s been a privilege
reading this and I’ll be sad to see it end. I can only hope that this partnership continues and that they bless future solicits with their work for years to come.
An absolute ballsy IDGAF issue by
Hickman and Marvisney. In a book called Spider-Man they don’t have one single
fucking panel of Spider-Man. Nor do they have one single panel of the Iron
Goblin they call the Green Goblin. Instead all we get is boring AF dinner convo
between Peter, MJ, Harry and Gwen Stacy who is his GF in this Universe. Gwen
comes off as a pretentious mind numbing corporate dillweed who hates oral and
wears the lady pants in the relationship. The entire conversation could take
the place of your Ambien if you run out. They drone on about PR Firms and the
crazy world beyond the $150 sashimi plates they’re dining on. A new Artist for
this issue leads me to believe it’s a pseudo-hiatus issue that Hickman just
pooped out to satisfy his Satanic Overlords since there’s no such thing as a
month off when your stock price is currently plummeting. What a load of crap.
All of the feels from the first 3 issues just went out the window and I’m
looking at the solicits to figure out if it’s time to eliminate the only
Marvisney title currently in my pull.
Okay, they need to lock up Robert De La Torre and
Jim Zub in the first ever multi-million dollar comic book contract so these two
do nothing else but write Conan for the next 10 years. They have already
mastered the are of writing and illustrating a Conan book and I can’t see how
anybody will ever come close to duplicating their deft approach. When you see a
creative team that clearly loves a character and the world they inhabit it just
makes you wish for the same treatment for other great characters that are
currently getting abused by their current creative teams (ahem, looking at you
Big Poo) There’s not a lot of absolutes when it comes to comic books. Some are 1. Matt
Fraction will walk away from a series in the middle 2. Jeff Lemire will write
some weird shit, and now 3. Jim Zub & Robert De la Torre will Crush a Conan
Comic. Make Mine Titan!
After a mind boggling WTF Issue 7 where Dubz and
Supes head to an Alien Planet to shop for Bats (which clearly had a deeper meaning
and was probably a power play btwn King & DC) King came back to the main
story with another powerhouse issue that culminated with a heroic finale/cliffhanger.
Couple things 1. The Sovereign is giving ‘The Simpsons Mr. Burns’ vibes and I
think at any moment he’s just going to say ‘Excellllent 2. No way Dubz is a bad
cook. Maybe she’s not a Pot Roast/Breakfast kinda cook. I see her as a
casserole/wok/smoothie/Acai bowl kinda gal. Sampere’s art is f&%#ing
gorgeous and this is by far the best Dubz run in over a decade.
Ugh, will Monstress ever end?? Yes their
landmark 50th issue was quite good and got their main plot and characters back on
track to something substantive with high stakes, yet as I pored over the first
few pages I immediately flipped towards the end. It’s just more and more
bombast, war strategy, covert alliances and dramatic entrances and exits. I’ve
kinda forgotten which anthropomorphic character is whom, there’s sharks and
tigers and foxes, oh my, oy vey. let’s not forget that the recap at the beginning of the comic references Intergalactic Warrior Cats. With no end in
sight from the solicits it looks like Sana Takeda’s gorgeous art is going to
keep us hooked to a relationship that probably should’ve ended months ago. So
basically Monstress is like dating a Super Model/Actress who says she’s
handling her issues by going to therapy yet still gets drunk on weeknights and comes
over to your place to do a lot of dramatic entrances and exits. We're at that point where you're going to bars every night and complaining to friends and strangers about your relationship. They tell you to walk away and you agree with them but the next morning you're back reading about Intergalactic Warrior Cats working at a Cat Cafe to make ends meet.
That's it! Looking forward to getting around to reading Ultimate Spidey #5 so I can go back on LOCG and tell everyone what an absolute piece of swill it is, because I'm sure it will be. Backstory Issue Bingo Bongo's need to end. Unless you're Saga. Saga can do 3 years of back stories and I'd be fine with it.
Happy Reading!
