Ay Yi Yi AI! From Comic Books to Comic Bots

 

Artificial. The googled definition defines it as something created by humans that is not natural. The secondary definition is listed as insincere or affected. It stands to reason that AI is then something that we created to be an affectation of unnatural insincerity. Read that again...and again. I’m not going to begin to launch into a diatribe against AI, positioning myself as some sort of Luddite pining for simpler times and organic means of production. Like any form of technology no matter where it's implemented, the Devil is in the way we use it not the fact that it’s there to be used in the first place. It is also the pattern of humanity to use something up until it loses its usefulness and is overtaken by something that improves its usefulness. So whether you agree or disagree, are excited or horrified by what AI will bring this planet, the fact of the matter is that it is here and it is going to get used until it can’t get used anymore. Where that takes us remains to be seen: Terminator Skynet World or an Idyllic Society where we are free to chase our passions and joys since computers are doing all of the menial work. I saw a video of a robot doing dishes. Dude. Seriously? Like, start there. Get those Dish Bots into every home and nobody will say no to AI robots. I literally do dishes all fucking day long. Please get Rosie from the Jetsons here stat and set me freeeeeeeee!

I live in LA. It’s a shit show. Curtains are being pulled back daily on the stages and foundation of the entertainment industry to reveal an inordinate amount of artifacts and useless relics of a bygone age.  Poop parades are collecting in the street with former Entertainment Apparatchiks marching against the impending doom of AI grabbing their industry by the balls and strangling them in its clutches with a smile. All this generative AI video  is signaling an end to Hollywood. It’s going to do to Film and TV what Pro Tools did to the Music Industry. Home Music Studio Software democratized Music Production so that anyone with a computer could make music. No more having to strip naked in front of Jimmy Iovine and swallow the combined genitalia of the Staff of Deathrow Records to get studio time and a distribution deal. Make it at home in your PJs. Record it at home. Blast it to the world. 

 

 

You can now take a video of a toy car being pushed in various directions on the floor, again, that’s a toy car, upload that and then turn it into cinema, put it into any location you want and cut back and forth between any angle of POV that you want. I just saw a new AI Video Software release where you could take any object you want, say a beer can or a stuffed animal, and place that object in an actual movie clip and the actor in that movie clip will immediately interact with the object. Insane! So you could take a Batarang, go to Star Wars, but the Batarang in the area of the scene between Darth Vader and Obi Wan and through AI the actors will use the batarang; Obi Wan could take it and throw it at Darth and it would look seamless. You could probably get Darth to rip off his helmet and appear as the Joker if you want. Yeah, say goodbye to Hollywood, say goodbye my Baby. This is signaling the complete end of Gatekeepers which is great for creatives but an absolute disaster for audiences. There’s a gajillion songs on Spotify, try and figure which is good and which is real. The same will be said for Films and TV. If you thought it was tough rifling through content on the Streamers now? Just wait.

Which begs the question, how will this affect the Comic Book Industry? I don’t think it’s any secret that if the Big 2 could eliminate their print publishing and have nothing but digital comic books they would do it in a heartbeat. The subhumans that run the Big 2 don’t care about your hard copy media; they don’t want you to own anything. So being able to manipulate music and film whenever and however you want will soon be coming to comic books. We’ve already seen artists use AI Generated Images as cover art or have relied on AI to ‘help’ with their work. Who’s to say Writers aren’t already running all of their plot ideas through AI or Artists aren’t utilizing it in a myriad of ways to inform their work?  The Big 2 don’t care about creating lasting iconic runs of your favorite characters, they only want stories and characters that will feed into their current IP, create new IP or create excitement for new Film or TV that incorporates that IP. Local Comic Book Shops are dying and the trajectory of their future does not look good. You cannot stop the onslaught of AI at this point you can only hope to reign it in or use it to your advantage.

 

I personally see Local Comic Shops being a new type of Build-A-Bear Workshops except for comic books. I think at some point you’ll be able to walk into a Comic Book Shop and have yourself inserted into any comic book you want and then have that comic book 3D Printed out for you while you wait. This is just like how Netflix will be allowing you to take pictures of yourself and insert it into a TV Show or Movie while you watch yourself interact with the story. I think you’ll be able to write your own prompts and parameters including the artistic style you want and get that comic right then and there, boom. I think printed media will be like Vinyl, either sold as back issue relics for high prices or only having specialized versions available for sale. I think you’ll soon be able to interact with all the Big 2 (and eventually other Publishers) story lines by changing arcs, character motivations and endings to your liking. Don’t like how they ended a Bat Book? Change it. Think their Mega Event sucks? Make your own. I think variant covers will expand to 50 or more for each issue. I also think you’ll be able to see upcoming story lines that are coming out, tell the Big 2 how you want them to go and it will release it right to you. If you want you can get a dozen or a hundred of different story lines popped right onto your digital lap or actual lap.

For example: Batman goes to Mars with Superman and fights an intergalactic space base that is conspiring to attack the Earth. That would be the premise. You’ll then be able to say, “Have John Hickman write it and have Jack Kirby draw it” and then you’ll get that comic delivered to you digitally or, for an extra fee, you’ll get a hard copy. You’ll be able to create your own premises, whatever you want with their licensed characters, and tell AI to draw it and write it in your preferred style. You’ll then be able to get it animated, turned into a Movie and you’ll then be able to put yourself in that movie either to watch on your own or to experience in a VR setting. Think all of this is crazy? That’s just the start. So tell me why do we need new Writers and Artists when we can have the greatest ever creating for us at the touch of a button on a screen?

 

 

I don’t think you’ll be able to stop any of this from happening. Inevitably, it will get to a point where consumers will want actual comic books again, will want humans to create their comics for them, their music, their films, their TV. But the shiny new AI Toy will have to be exhausted first; it’s just the way it goes. I feel like the great tragedy of AI from an Artist's perspective is that from this point forward people will always wonder how much of AI was used to create your work or not. The only form of entertainment that will be untouched, to a degree, will be live entertainment. AI can write the best Stand-Up Act in the world for you but 99% of people are still gonna suck at it. Stand-Up. The final frontier: Where sucking is still all on you. 

 

As for comics, I don’t know about you, but I see my pull list dwindling and dwindling. I see more facsimile issues being pumped out. I see more interest and chatter about variant covers than I do story lines. I think there will be gems along the way but we’re in for a bumpy ride the next chunk of years as this artistic transition works itself out.

But as of today, I can still complain about and wax poetic about actual comic books held by my actual fingers and that’s what I’m about to do baby! 

Another absolutely wonderful 2 issue interlude by Thompson & Co. on what is fast becoming the best Dubz book in over a decade. After the epic conclusion to the initial six issue arc this quick detour back to Hades reveals more of the Abz Dubz childhood with Circe. Thompson swiftly ratchets up the stakes in a victory or death battle before the King and Queen of the Underworld which all makes for a satisfying two issue GFE type weekend with Dubz. Mattia de lulis's work truly takes your breath away in these two issues with the last panels giving you all the feels that you can ask for. Where King may be faltering a bit Thompson seems to get better and better with a Dubz that really embraces the Greek Deities and the Amazons more rather than the goofball DC Rogue Gallery which tends to bend its way towards pure silliness. Abs Dubz has rocketed past Abs Batz on her Pegasus as the Absolute best Abs title out there. New arc incoming, cannot fcking wait 9.2

 

 

I’m sensing a pattern here…Two Issue Interludes! Dubz main title rocks a 2 Ish Tangent of Dubz taking Bats to Olympus to help solve the murder of a God that’s being blamed on Dubz Momz with a time limit imposed by Zeus himself, yes please. The concept sparkles: take the Greatest Detective and Darkest Knight and have him help the Amazonian Princess solve a murder in the land of the Greek Gods; simplicity, it works! King may have had Bats deliver the line of the year. While laid up in bed after being hit by a bolt of lightning and being tended to by Dubz, he responds to Dubz asking him if he’d be offended by a question of hers by saying ‘I let Dick choose his own outfit. Who knew he’d go full circus’ Hahahahahha, amazing! Guillem March joins in the murder theme and absolutely kills the art in these two installments. Is this a new power couple, King and March? King March! March of the King! We can only dream. I could’ve read a year of this story line but perhaps this little morsel is enough, perhaps more would’ve spoiled it. I won’t be continuing in this title as it transitions to the wonky Mouse Man story line; probably forced on King by Iger the King Mouse himself. I’m gonna let the delectable taste of these two issues linger on my comic palate for a while and not ruin them with senseless DC Drivel but oh what a taste it was. 9.9  

 

 

Abs Bats and his gi-normous 'Yo Bro Let's Lift' thighs rolls along and guess what? It’s another 2 issue interlude! And it’s great! I think we’ve found the sweet spot of DC, just write 2 issue arcs and enough with the drawn out plots and mega events. Drop a deuce then let it loose! This is by far the creepiest Mr Freeze you’ll ever see. It also fits in perfectly with Synder’s psychosis about lanky creepy ghoulish figures as villains which he’s been featuring in his stories for years. I’ve written about this ad nauseum how Snyder consistently has the same ’type’ of horrific look that he tasks his artists to draw going all the way back to Wytches and more recently Night of the Ghoul. I wonder if he had a crush on a tall lanky somebody who broke his wee widdle heart when he was young or perhaps he truly was hunted down by one of these ghastly figures in the woods at Summer Camp. Whatever it is, it’s this time around that it actually feels sinister and grounded in reality. Kudos to Marcos Martin on his phenomenal art work. I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up the fact that the Abs Bats still looks ridiculous. I mean, c’mon look at this guy. This is Batman? This is not Batman. This is a Hit Man chasing down Marshall Cuso on 'Intended Side Effects’ (amazing show on Max highly recommend it) This is a lifting Bro at the gym. This a bouncer at a K-Town Ramen spot that recently had a shooting. This is the guy your goth artsy Wiccan chick that you were dating goes out with next just to give you the middle finger. Ridiculous. [insert pic]That said. Yo Bro, this shit was tight. 8.8

 

 

Jeff Lemire is the King of ‘What the Fuck is Going on Here’ books. I don’t know how he does it, psychedelics, wacky relatives with wild hippie stories, personal contact with extra-terrestrials; but he does it. Every Lemire book grabs you with a ‘What the fuck is going on here’ premise and doesn’t let you go. Even issues may bog down in exposition or backstories that draw out a bit too long at the expense of a driving narrative, it doesn’t matter. Because you’ll still be hooked on the ‘WTFIGOH’ premise and it’ll all but force you too keep snatching up comics until you find out. Sometimes the payoff is unbelievable, sometimes it’s a letdown; kinda like dating. I think Lemire may be an amazing online dating guru if he put his mind to it. I bet he could write the best dating profiles for dudes, in fact he should just hire himself out to do all the profile writing and messaging for guys, he’d make a killing. No way any girl is ghosting a Lemire dating profile or ignoring cryptic ‘Who the Fuck is this Guy’ messages that drive them to have to meet you to find out. You’re welcome Jeff, do mine for free and I’ll forgo the 10% I could charge you on all your money that you’d make from this side hustle.  Seems like this 'Upside Down World/Ley Line/Weird Alien Close Encounter 3rd Kind Beings and a Semi-Truck' book is about to wrap up. I don't think you'll ever be able to accuse Lemire of ever using AI, he's just naturally able to pull completely random elements from the ether and mush them together. Good ol' ChatGPmire. 8.1

Conan is back baby! Not that it truly ever went away. I mean, Titan Comics brought it back stronger than it’s been in decades since Dark Horse had it and then, I dunno, a bit of a lull. They seemed to water it down with other Robert E Howard characters in that wacky crossover tale that they had which felt forced. Then they had a terrible guest artist for two ishes that made Conan and Belit like they were extras in a Disney flick. Then a Zula story which was pretty good but not holy guacamole good and now, this. This feels like the triumphant Conan vibe that started this whole new Titan run that had me dub it the best comic of 2023. [artist] is absolutely murdering the panels with a nod to De La Torre who brought the ruckus to begin and a distinct style of his own. Zub is penning a captivating tale with none other than the sinister Thoth Amon, it’s shaping up to be epic and man, we can use some epic in year of don’t pick. 8.5

Netflix has definitely smeared my emotional connection towards two comic book properties which used to be a source of nothing but happy fuzzy memories; memories that would induce me to actually purchase new content should said content be on the horizon for comic book shops. Those titles are: Sandman and the Umbrella Academy. The Sandman series on Netflix (in my opinion) will go down as the absolute worst TV adaptation in the history of comic book adaptations. It was an absolute disaster on so many levels that ruined my enjoyment of what may very well be one of the most important comic books in the entire medium. That show was pure trash, not a single moment satisfied the curiosity of ‘ooh what will this be in live action’. A distant second was the Umbrella Academy series. It wasn’t nearly as atrocious but it was cringe enough to make me pull a major smh and place my head in my hands in disgust. Despite that, I was genuinely looking forward to a new Way, Ba & Moon book! My goodness I love Ba & Moon. Why aren’t they putting out multiple books every month, why aren’t they helming major comic book events? The first page was an absolute homerun. The text But then…ehhh. Mnyeh. I mean, seriously, mnyeh. It’s a bit of a tired and lazy concept, ‘oh there are actual better and more powerful dupes of our heroes and now they’re here to wipe them out. How will our heroes defeat the better and updated versions of themselves?’. Sounds like the workforce in most companies when looking at AI taking them over: you won’t! Did you see that the staff at the candy crush app are now being laid off after creating the AI that is now in essence taking their jobs? I guess it’s a cathartic experience to see heroes you care so much about actually overcome better versions of themselves but as most stuff that has found it’s way to revived sequels or new stories that will add to the ongoing onslaught of ‘Make another one’ that Hollywood is addicted to; it’s okay. Issue #2 has already been pushed back a month and I’m pushing that issue out of all but non-existent pull. Why? It’s painful to experience a mediocre version of greatness. I don’t want to see newer and improved versions of my favorite characters beating the snot out of the old ones. This isn’t erasing the Netflix yuck. I’ll go back and re-read some of my Umbrella-ellla ella ellla hey hey hey books and save myself the moment after the 6th issue of this mini-series where I’ll close the last page and go ‘Ehh, that was alright’. 4.5

Gargoyle Bat Comic say what now? Where you been bro? Dude, how long has it been since - when was the last fucking issue of this thing, over a year ago? You expect me to remember what the fuck is going on in a Batman comic book from 2023? Dude, I’ve read enough Bat Comic Solicits to make up a 12 issue maxi-series throughout 2026 you think I reserved space for 3+ issue limited Bat Comic that started in what feels like a hundred years ago? This is like Psychotic LA Actress Chick, who has a tat of demon on her neck that looks like it’s eating her chin, who ghosted you forever and a day ago and then she unexpectedly texts you a ‘Hey’ a year later. You’re like ‘Huh? What does she want? I am not driving to Mexico to pick her and her druggie boyfriend up…again! I scoured boxes for Issue 1, which I didn’t find, Luckily I still had the 2nd issue on my rack. Ohh yeah it’s the crying dark Matrix coat dude and some creepy Church dudes possibly murdering Arkham dudes and, oy, I don’t care anymore. Something happened to this writer between issue two and this one, he totally lost his mind. The level of violence is through the roof in this ish to the point where a dozen heads are being decapitated and some psycho toddler is impaling people. Either he watched way too many horror flix or is butt hurt about a relationship or both. It turned into a scribble gobbledygook fest in the same way that the Monstress comic did. Somebody put this dude in touch Marjorie Liu and get them to a folding chair in the basement of a church with a cup of watered down coffee so they can work through their feelings rather than ruining our comic books. 1.0

That's all I got! I still haven't gotten through Heavy Metal #1. It's been sitting near my La-Z-Boy for months. I started it. It sucks. I've got like 150 pages left. I wanted to love it.  Now it's a paperweight except the only thing it's holding down is my floor. Which, living in LA ya never know, might be the difference between a Quake Shake moving the building off of it's foundation or keeping it stable; it is quite heavy.

Not gonna lie, or as the kids say 'NGL' I am super stoked about the Fraction "Bats" book. Dammit. It's like they were saving this super weapon or crashed the 'break glass when necessary because your whole comic book line all but sucks except for a couple of Abs Books' cabinet. Uggh. Please be amazing. Like, jeez, just give me a wallop of a Bat Victory and a saving grace for this brutal year of comics. Talk to y'all in the Fall!

Just the Facts-imile Issues & Reviews

        

 

Yeah, I'm back and I know it's been a while. I don't know where the time went. How is it June already? I feel like it was only last Tuesday where I was cursing Valentine's day and pouting that nobody invited me to a Super Bowl party and now it's fucking June. Well, I'm back because it looks like some Marvel Intern or Lackey has been snooping around this blog for ideas to boost their sales and revenue so I figured I should post something. How do I know they've been doing that? Well, they finally decided to take me up on my idea to not only release facsimile issues of their great comics of the 60s from Issue #1 but to do them sequentially so it feels like you’re in the 60s reading the comic for first time the same way readers experienced it back then. Marvisney has been dropping facsimile issues of the initial 1961 run of The Fantastic Four this year and it’s been fun fun fun. 

 

 

At first I was giddy and thought ‘Wow, maybe this will be a thing for other titles’, then I realized it’s just a prong on the multi-pronged multi-dimensional marketing approach to get us to get mentally prepared to shell out our hard earned dillies for the 169th new Fantastic Four movie that’s coming out this year. Now I feel unclean and soiled by the Dark Demon of Disney. Some intern just blurted out my idea at a marketing meeting and Bob Iger popped his head out of Satan’s buttocks and wailed ‘I love it!’. Of course what followed after Bob Iger peeking out of Satan’s buttocks was the latest cut of the new Fantastic Four movie and they’re still trying to sanitize Buena Vista Studios and most of Burbank from the stench. Repeat after me Casting Bozos: Pedro Pascal is not Reed Richards.

 

 

I’ve been reading a lot more facsimile issues lately. Seems like the comic book industry has really been upping the amount of facsimiles they release which makes sense since right now in Hollywood the War Cry is 'Just make Another One'. DC has also been releasing a run of Batman facsimiles from its initial 'Hush' from 15 years ago ostensibly to get you hyped about their new Hush run that's started up this year which admittedly looks poopalicious. After dropping money on a bunch of these I’m not so sure that any of them are deeply satisfying reads. I think the legends of comic book publishing were goofing around a lot more and having fun with the medium rather than aspiring to create great literature. 

 

Take the Fantastic Four, in their 2nd issue they convince the Skrulls, an Alien Race prepping to invade our planet, that Earth is overrun by monstrous beings by actually showing them pictures from comic books (Weird Tales and Tales of Suspense). Reed & Co then turn the Skrulls who were left behind on Earth into Cows so they could graze and lead a peaceful rest of their days without being hounded by anyone. I suppose at some point somebody ate a Skrull Burger without knowing? Or maybe a Skrull Kebab? Å Corned Skrull Beef sandwich?

 

 

These enormously oversized Batman reprints which are going for like $13 have been a trip back to the 80s when Bats was Emo, corny and prone to self deprecation and rash maneuvers. It’s an odd experience to thoroughly enjoy something while consistently rolling your eyes at the abundance of silliness. I think it’s safe to say that Modern Comics are way more sophisticated, grounded and properly structured. Where early comic books beat the snot out of the modern books is, for the most part, they didn’t give a fuck. They were throwing whatever came into their brains onto the page, as long as it either made them laugh or giggle with excitement at the novelty of their ideas.

I’m also not sure why I’m being charged more than $4 for any of these facsimiles (except for the oversized ones). What’s the reasoning? You’re just reprinting every single page of the comic, nothing is new! Shouldn’t these be $3 at most?

Meanwhile Marvisney and DC continue to implode and spit out caca. Their  movies are mostly tanking one after the other even after they pour hundreds of millions into them. Nice job with the recent Captain America. Hire a dipshit who says that Captain America really isn’t about America. What’s next? A Spidey who could care less about neighborhoods being friendly? Daredevil, the man with a couple of Phobias?  I think they need to create a D.O.C.E., Department of Comic Efficiency and rip apart the Big 2 to see how they’re spending our hard earned dollars. How much for this new Pooperman? 363 mil? Why? On what??? 225 mil? That's still stoopid expensive. You think Supes saying 'Hey buddy up here’ in the trailer like a Tech Bro is cool? Why does Lex Luthor look like they told AI to make him look like a young Michael Stipe? Why is YoBro-Perman yelling at the Marvelous Miss Maisel? Why isn’t he ordering Chinese Food with her and shopping for technicolor dresses? 

 

Dude, look, you people need to stop with the trash movies and watered down TV shows and put a major chunk of your revenue and budget back into, wait for it - COMIC BOOKS! The wellspring of your entire empire! It's built in IP and they don't care anymore.

And what the hell happened to DSTLRY or as I like to call them Dusty Larry??? I don’t think they’ve released an issue since January! Was their ‘$9 a book for 3 issues’ a big bust? Was it just a drug front for the Cartel? Have the actual CEOs of the company been deported? Seriously, their stuff was the best thing on the racks. Were they even real? Did META or the D.O.D,  target me for psychological torment again ‘Let’s give him some great comics and just turn off the faucet’. Am I in my own Mandela effect?

 

My pull is duhhhh-win-dling, that’s dwindling, as in I’m not buying a lot of comics these days and it’s sad. I bought 7 in May. Sevvv-ennnn. That's ridiculously low, the lowest ever for me. Perhaps that’s why I’ve not posted on here much if at all recently; I’ve been bummed by the state of Comcbookdom. There’s still more than half a year left so I’m praying that some way some how we get some Holy Moly releases or runs but as of today my Best of 2025 doesn’t even have any major new contenders on it yet. Am I just going to be ranking Facsimile Issues? Bottom line, I think having a facsimile issue dropped every now and then was fun but clearly they realize people are buying them and now the market is being flooded with them which takes away the novelty. They're also just being used as marketing tools, if they're about to release a movie, show or dust off an old character expect facsimile issues, blah.

Oy, oh well, there ya go, for the record this is not Ragebait this is CrankyJewBait. Here’s what I actually have been reading for the past several months…

 

 

 

If I was doing a 10 minute Stand-Up Comedy set and for no reason whatsoever at the 5 minute mark without warning, I changed my voice and starting telling jokes with a Russian accent or, I dunno, began imitating Billy Bob Thornton in Sling-blade it would be - weird right? Especially if after a minute I switched back to my normal  voice. That’s what it’s like when you get a new Artist thrown at you in the middle of a story arc with no warning or no reason whatsoever, you’re like, wait, what, which comic did I buy? Is this the - let me find the previous - oh it is. You wanna swap out after an arc, fine. Right smack dab in the middle, it’s annoying and usually it’s disconnected or tangential to the actual story which is what happened to one of the recent Abs Batsy issues. As a stand-alone issue it was great, but dude, like just either finish the arc or take a break and come back when your main artist is ready to keep going. I mean does the artist say, yo I’m hitting Tulum in December with my bae so I’m not gonna be around to draw your Bat-Kira book and does Snyder say ‘Like I give a fuck, I got all kinds of Artist Baes on stand-by boyeee'. Yes, Bruce Wayne looks like Anime Akira in this book so it’s hard to take this too seriously. In my Sling-Blade voice: "But it’s good mmm hmmm, and its Snyder and Bats which is better than that other cockamamie batty stuff so I reckon I’ll a keep a puling it mmm hmmm". 7.8
 

 

 

Another banger from Dusty Larry aka DTSLRY. 'City Beneath Her Feet' was the last Dusty Larry book I purchased before they all fell off a cliff into the abyss into another dimension; this book came out last November. Elsa Charretier is fast becoming one of my fave artists what with her work on Love Everlasting (and what the hell is happening with that, it's been months, jeez). Since Tynion absolutely crushed ‘Spectregraph’ his collab with Christian Ward on the same imprint I thought this was also going to be a Home Run and I was right. These two walloped this story way over the wall, a supremely interesting and perfectly executed ‘grab them and don’t let them go’ first installment to have you clamoring for more. The fact that they just called this the prologue at the end of this issue has me wondering if this might go longer than 3 or 4, that would be fantastic. Dusty Larry can use some long form series and no better place to start than with these two at the helm. Unfortunately it seems the spigot has been turned off for this publisher. I look at this cover and it feels like I'm looking at the dating profile of hot babe who messaged me back once and then hasn't replied since I messaged her back; serious PTSDating Trauma vibes. Puhleez gimme gimme more yum yum books that rate 9.1 or more.

 

 

 

 

Hickman, Dude, what the fuck? Are you going to clone yourself or not? Can they make a HickGPT of you and have your AI Version just write comic books? It’s unbelievable how much better you are than mostly every one. Like, there should be a big button that says ‘HICK ME’ in the center of every main conference room for every comic book publisher. Each month the editors of these publishers should gather in these conference rooms and let a bunch of comic book geeks read the comics they’re about to send to print. Any time one sucks a Comic Geek should just slam the ‘HICK ME’ button which will let the editors know that their comic sucks ballz and needs to be written by AI Hickman. Pull lists will balloon. LCS retailers will experience a boon and the world will be a better place. Ultimate Spidey, my goodness, so fucking good. What an amazing twist with Gwen and Mysterio, just brilliant.  Can you do the Hulk and Moon Knight and, oh, I dunno, take over Saga for a bit and, aw hell just hit HICK ME for the entire industry for a month and see what happens 9.6. 

 

 

 

Oy vey. Why is everyone gushing over this comic? WHY? It’s pee to the oop. Poop. Are we that starved for content and innovative plots that we’ll take some half baked creative writing class idea from High School that’s been sitting in a Trapper Keeper notebook for 30 years and call it genius? Every day a girl wakes up to a new apocalypse, all timelines are at play, they’re all colliding into one another with no rhyme or reason, this chick is bumping into historical characters and remnants of other dimensions and whatnot - dude, ask any actress living in LA what life is like and they'll tell you the same thing: 'Every day is a fucking apocalypse'. This is not thrilling or mind bending or a shattering of conventions. This is lazy writing, shallow character development and messy world building. This is not elevated material, it's pedestrian. You love it, great. I know spectacular when I read it and this ain't it. I can understand being impressed if you were in High School and some quiet mop top haircut art student with serial killer eyes is scribbling these panels in his moleskin notebook during a Period 4 math class. This final panel of issue one is classic 'Death Metal Art Dude with Acne Doodling in Class' vibe:

 

 

 

I’d look over at it and go ‘Wow, that’s dope’, he’d just grunt and shrug in his jean jacket that’s covered with Scorpions and Black Flag patches and go back to scribbling and I'd think 'I bet that guy goes on to make millions. Or maybe he'll go to Visual Arts School and end up like one of Claire's loser Art School Boyfriends in Six Feet Under'. Assorted Crisis Events, is that a euphemism for Los Angeles right now? Because we got some serious crisiseesz and they definitely are assorted. Suck on this concept’s dick for as long as you want but it’s a hard 13 year old boner looking at girls hit volleyballs in High School gym class pass for me 2.5. 

 

 

 

Yadda Yadda Mr. Burns aka The Sovereign keeps losing everything bit by bit yadda yadda, his empire that has existed for centuries is being unraveled by babes who do pilates in primary color spandex. I am all for a protracted story in comics but this felt like it had been dragging a tad for several months. I understand the set-up of the meticulous and strategic take-down of the ‘Sovereign’: taking down all of his assets, strongholds and guardians but it’s been such a drip drip drip downfall that it lacks tension. You’re just reading and saying ‘Wow this guy is getting royally fucked by Dubs all while he's narrating his own demise, sucks for him’; and that was the basic gist. Maybe it would be better if this was put online and you could have AI face swap somebody you can’t stand so you could watch Dubz royally ream them for several months on end; that sounds great. Mr Burns ended up nekkid in front of Dubz and it finally wrapped up in a good but not great way. I expected more from King and more from a 19 issue arc which they pulled like taffy for the last several months. You can tell they felt bad about drawing it out because the issue right after this story ends is a Batman Team Up, “wait don’ go anywhere, we have Bats, Bats is here, hey look, Batman, doing things in this title, hoooooh ha, Bizz to the Izzatz and Dubaroonski, everything is fine, it’s all fine, come back, pretty please 6.7

 

 

I’ve been enjoying the Waid/Samnee Bats & Dickie D series, but you know what? I’m calling BS on Clayface. The whole Clayface story device is bullshit, it’s too convenient. This amorphous brown poop blob can magically, and seamlessly, become any body it wants to. C'mon Dude. Whenever the Brown Poop Blob has been used in any Bat medium I call BS. Why? Ya think that Bats, after having dealt with Poop Dude over and over, wouldn’t have figured out that Poop Dude had a distinctive smell? Okay fine, you can become and look like whomever you want but that doesn’t mean that you can change what you actually are on a molecular level, am I right?  This is just as lazy as 'Oh every timeline is colliding into one and any historical figure is at our fingertips' from above. That said, Samnee's work on Bat's fight scenes and escape at the end of a recent ish was pure gold. As the arc continues and it gets into Crime Boss/Kidnap Robin stuff it does feel a little too much like 66 Batman Bam Biff Pow without the camp. Yet these two are just such great collaborators I’m down to finish up their run even if it means a bit of a yawn here and there. It’s a delightful read and Lord knows this world demands you escape to a delightful read when you get a chance 7.5

I just can’t anymore. I’m done. At this point I think this comic is being used by Marjorie Liu’s therapist as a way to work through her trauma of not being able to properly develop a plot. Her mania has drawn in the great Sana Takeda and reduced her to manic scribblings which at this point looks like a toddler hopped up on Mountain Dew. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is coherent or sensible. I think people are basically just losing their minds these days and that obviously includes comic book writers. The fact that Image, who has slowly turned into an unreadable publisher, enables her lunacy is even more egregious. Like at what point do you as an Editor have to make the visit to the basement where the half naked unkempt wacko scribe and her 37 cats lives to tell her you're pulling the plug. You’ll probably have to bring some cue cards that breaks down the concept of a ‘Finale/Ending to a Story’. Clearly this editor will be in a bulletproof Hazmat suit to deal with the frenetic rage that Liu will unleash on them. Unfortunately, the 11 of us who are left actually reading this disaster have no way of really knowing how to get in touch with each other and if we truly exist. What a shit show. If I had to sum up what this comic has looked like the past several years this panel from their most recent ish would be what I would show someone; just pure arrrrgghhhhh -

 

 

 

This is a mess of a script and a fever dream that has com-puh-leeetly lost it's way and I can't in good conscience continue paying for this self inflicted madness anymore.  Sana Takeda is a brilliant artist and I love supporting concepts like this but there comes a time when you look at the person you're dating who's frothing at the mouth with a lighter near your comic book rack and you realize it's time to move on and cancel your dating app subscription. Speaking of which, I just matched  with someone. I messaged them about their profile with a 'What and a Why?' question, as in what do you etc. and why are you etc. She answered back with a 'Yes'. Clearly she reads Monstress. 10 years, 57 issues and all I got for it was bagged and boarded comic cat litter. 1.0

 

 

 

Well, that's all I got. Actually, no, I have one more, one big Mamma that's sitting right next to my La-Z-Boy that hasn't been popped open yet: the new Heavy Metal; ooh baby baby. Now, I'm not an anthology type guy but this looks special. Yet as everyone in LA knows, 'looks' can stiff you with a $400 dinner bill, plant an eight ball on you and have you in handcuffs in less than an hour so ya never know.

 

Happy Reading...

Bags, Boards and Burns - A City & Industry Up in Smoke

 

 

LA is weird right now. It’s been weird for a minute. The fires not only ravaged the city but they also ravaged the psyche of Angelenos; it was an unfathomable event that is still smoldering in the hearts of the people who live here. It feels like everyone has been trudging through sludge for the past month or so including yours truly. It’s not so much that the fires have exacted such an unflinching toll on everyone, rather it was more like they were the final body blow from a series of gut punches that LA has endured for the past 5 years. From the Pandemic hysteria to the Strikes to the upheaval in the Industry and now to the destruction of neighborhoods that meant so much to so many, there’s only so much you can take before it feels like the world has it out for you. Hell, today due to torrential rains we had mud slides wreaking havoc all over the city. Seriously what’s next? Locusts? Should I smudge my front door with some Lamb’s blood???

As I sat there watching LA go up in flames of course my mind drifted towards the things I love about LA. I will say this, no major Comic Book Shops went up in flames in the Pacific Palisades, Malibu or Altadena; at least none of note. Which got me thinking, there really isn’t a Mecca Destination for Comic Books in LA anymore. There used to be, it was Meltdown Comics. Meltdown Comics on Sunset near WeHo embodied everything great about being a Comic Geek. Within their cavernous space (at least for LA standards) one could find any and everything: new issues, back issues, graphic novels, toys, memorabilia, fashion, oversized knicknacks and doodads. There were tables to play D&D and other board games and if that wasn’t enough there was a back room where they held Comedy nights that drew some of the top Comedians in town. It was said that Matt Groening would pop in and just sit in the back to take in a show every now and then. Well of course he did, there was no place in LA where he could go and truly feel at home; he got to be just another nerd who loves comics just like anyone else.

I knew one of the guys who owned it pretty well from coming in so much. I remember when it was just a normal comic shop on the North Side of the street when I first moved to LA in 2000; they were a few blocks away from me. When they moved into the big space across the street it was like God answered my prayers for a legendary comic book shop. Well, Meltdown closed years ago and since then nothing has taken its place, which feels deeply wrong since LA is ostensibly the Comic Book Capital of the World now that both DC & Marvel have decamped from NYC to sunnier climes. Perhaps it’s a true indicator that the Big 2 really don’t give a shit about the actual comic books that fuel their movies and their IP (oy I hate that fucking word, IP, IP has ruined entertainment). One would think that if they really did love comic books they would combine their might and create a place where the ideas that made them who they are could be celebrated and shared with the masses. Nope, none of that. There’s a bunch of little cool shops here and there in LA but nothing overly special. My LCS is basically a hole in the wall but I’ve been going there for years and it suits me just fine. San Diego Comic Con doesn’t count, that’s just a circus and a Sales Pitch-athon and the fact that a normal comic book dude like me hasn’t been able to get into it once underscores the fact that it’s not really for normal comic book dudes.

January used to be a big month for comics, at least it seemed like that was the case to me. Looking back over the years my pull numbers show that January and February were big months for new releases and for publishers to ramp up current series or reveal their upcoming gems. Even as recently as 3 years ago I was yanking 20 books a month in both Jan and Feb. Ten years ago I was pulling 30. This year? 9. Nine, with two being facsimiles. WTF? According to this article, retailers are saying that the Industry is on the upswing and that they’re doing really well, so is it me? They’re extolling the virtues of the ‘Absolute DC’ line as one of the big drivers of sales. Look, I’m pulling both Bats and Dubz from that line and, well, yes they’re really good but they’re not oh my goodness fucking spectacular. The New 52? That was spectacular. Are you gonna tell me that Absolute Bats and Dubz are better than New 52’s Snyder’s ‘Court of Owls’ and Azzarello and Chiang’s ‘Wonder Woman’ run?? No, no you’re not. So, I think what’s happening is that it’s been so bad for so long and titles have just been cratering that when something half decent comes along people lose their minds. I would say that’s the same for the music and film industry as well. There's so much caca that when something comes along that doesn't soil your soul it comes off as genius. It's also an offshoot of the fact that content has become so over saturated it's almost impossible to sift through it all to find the greatness.

I believe things will change and yes there is still some amazing stuff out there, I’m looking at you DSTLRY. But man, it’s been fucking rough. With so few comics on my rack these days I started reading a novel that’s been sitting near my La-Z-Boy in what feels like forever, it’s Cold Mountain. I wanted to jump in front of a moving car after the first 16 pages. Maybe I’ll join a book club. Maybe I’ll make more of an effort to get into Anime. Maybe I’ll find a challenging puzzle! Oh who am I kidding, c’mon people, make some fucking unbelievable comic books! Oy. Nine. Nine this month. Googling Batman Puzzles...ooh this one looks good!

Here’s what I got into this past month or so:

 

I just put this down and, wow. I mean, wow, Snyder crushes this one over the fence. I'm not a huge gritty gruesome crime drama. true crime, serial killer guy but when I saw Snyder and Jock together it was a no brainer to grab this. It was perfectly done, like, there's really nothing bad you can say about this book. They deftly set the tone, drew you in, had strong characters and set up the plot with a cliffhanger as well as you possibly could. If this was a Pilot episode you'd binge the entire series. After Snyder's Wack 'White Boat' debacle on DSTLRY this is a heroic dub. This comic saved the beginning of my 2025 Comic Book Experience, thanks Scott & Jock 9.7

 

This 'Absolute Dubz' series is picking up steam and becoming a real page turner. My question is this, you’re saying that these ‘Absolute’ books are All In, right? So it stands to reason that your other books aren’t all in, right? I would go so far to say that most of what DC is putting is either halfway in or just full on the fuck out. Maybe what DC should do is put ‘Just the Tip’ on their normal comics so comic geeks know ahead of time to not expect a Wham Bam story. I will say this, having Dubz connected to Circe while affirming that her exile to Hell was by the Gods really makes me pine for the days when Azzarello and Chiang were writing that Dubz story line with all the Greek Gods. I know I probably mention that run at least once every two months or every other paragraph; shrug emoji. Regardless, Thompson, Sherman and Bellaire are putting together a real humdinger of a first arc that is definitely all up in that goody good. How much to bribe a DC Lackey to put 'Just the Tip' on all their non All-In books? 8.5

It was quite the surprise to see the Jade Snot Babe back in the solicits after, what has been, almost two plus years? No, wait, it’s been almost 5 years since the last issue! Wow. This was a silly yet delightful series about a neurotic model chick with a runny nose problem. You would think I would run into one of these girls in LA over the years but I haven’t. I did have a girl I was dating all of a sudden produce a bloody nose when she was alone with me in my apartment. She definitely wasn’t a cokehead so I attributed it to her being able to bleed from the nostrils when she wasn’t down for knocking dem boots, quite impressive. Yes, I just brought the boot knockin’ phrase back, and what? Anyway, this is why you don’t take long ass layoffs from your book, because it’s invariably going to suck or be less enjoyable than when you left unless you really really bring the ruff neck business. I’m looking at you Saga, and Monstress. O’Malley decided to show Snottie’s Boobies along with her new Hawt GF’s boobies in a big ‘Welcome Back’ ish but all they did was provide a brief ooh before spoiling the tension of the previous issues. The whole comic felt eye roll silly, not whimsical and fun. It’s been so long since I read one of these I can’t even remember where the plot left off. So as a ‘first issue’ of sorts it was quite blah and looking at the upcoming issues, they look blah as well. Safe to say it’s a different world today than it was in March of 2020. A world where a model babe with a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who doesn’t seem to have a snotty nose problem anymore really doesn’t grab me. Dropping this like a snotty sinus infection tissue in my cheap bathroom garbage thingy. 5.2

 

Well, if you’re wondering what Belit the Savage Pirate Queen of the Black Coast would look like as a Disney Princess then this is the issue for you. Yeesh, Danica Whoever is definitely the 3rd String Quarterback Artist behind De La Torre and Braithwaite. A bit of. a dirty trick on Titan's part by having a De La Torre main cover while having a new Artist on the actual pages. These pages look like Darkwing Duck Material. Of course the difference between this Disney Princess is that you’re gonna get a lot of panels with nekkid boobies, which is nice. A plot point and wardrobe gripe: So Conan and Belit have just knocked boots (boot knocking!) in a bedroom in a tavern, they’re butt nekked, because of the boot knocking, and they hear thieves on the roof coming down to rob them. When the Thieves land on their balcony they’re fully clothed again, WTF? Do you think these two savage IDGAF heroes would deem it necessary to get their clothes back on??? Belit even has all of her necklaces and bracelets back on, like she needed to get ready before murdering some thieves - Conan: 'Dammit Girl! They're here', Belit: 'Just one more Nose Ring left to put in my Lion'. Like, if Danica drew a butt nekkid Conan and Belit slashing their way through some run of the mill loser thieves then I would have hailed this as a monumentally fantastic issue. As it stands, it's the first miscue from Titan's magnificent Conan experience. I will forgo the next issue in this two-issue blip and wait for one of the Top 2 QBs to return to knock some story boots. 3.0

 

 

Reading Saga these days is like watching the last season of Cheers, or maybe even Happy Days. It feels like BKV is just going through the motions, nothing is happening yet we come back because the love we have for the book has never died even though the mind of it’s creator seemingly has. It’s not like this comic has jumped the shark but the shark is jumping around in a carnival in a space ship so it’s really fucking close. Look, Fiona could draw on the back of the box of my non-dairy coconut cream coffee creamer and I’d buy it up every month, which makes me wonder - what if Fiona took a hiatus and BKV didn’t? Can you imagine someone else drawing this book, it would be an absolute disaster and fully droppable. The last 17 issues have been so blah they should be put on anti-depressants or I dunno, someone needs to go down on this story line and suck on it 'til it cums back to life. BKV says the next issue is going to be some major pivotal oh shit issue that he’s been dying to do forever. We shall see. Meandering plot lines and pages of letters with everyone saying how much this comic saved their lives or gave them a connection to someone who they eventually married is getting tired. I think Fraction and Zdarsky should take over the letters of this book and make it Sex Criminallish, now that would be a must read comic. C’mon BKV, find that magic homie you’re an issue away from putting Ghus on jet skis with a dozen Lying Cats floating on buoys off the Santa Monica pier. 6.3

 

 

Not sure this was the Spidey issue I was looking for. Seems like Hicksy likes to throw these curveballs into the mix where there’s no action just talking heads and relationship dialogue. Maybe deep down Hicksy wants to be writing TV Dramas on Oxygen Network or something. I definitely do not think all the Spidey fans of this book were thinking back in December ‘Man I hope Hicksy comes out with an issue where he delves into the interpersonal relationship of MJ and her estranged sister along with the complicated dynamics she shares with her Divorced Boss Mom during a holiday party for the entire comic'. Or maybe I just out of touch with the kids these days. Maybe Hicksy forgot he was writing this book and threw this together from scraps of dialogue from his ‘Oxygen Network’ desktop folder during a hop skip and a jump flight from LA to Vegas.Yeah Yeah, I get it, big Kraven issue incoming blah blah but this was a bit of zzzzzzzz. I did inhale the Kraven issue right after this one and although it was a little goofy, the whole ‘Drop Peter and Harry in the Prehistoric World of the Mole Man before Kraven hunts them down' is brilliant. This is still the only Marvisney title worth reading these days other than their facsimile reprints. 7.7

 

 

I just can’t with this fucking monkey detective. Why? Like, why? Who is this thing? I’m not like a huge longtime DC reader outside of Bats so is he some fever dream from the 60s when all the DC writers were doing acid? Am I supposed to be amused by a monkey detective? Are they butt hurt that Gerard Way took their talking monkey character and made a gajillion bux from it with his wonderful ‘Umbrella Academy’ comics and dirt garbage TV show on Netflix? It just takes this elevated tone that King brought to this great run and smears it in banana peels. Like, the Monkey is making banana jokes. Also, the Sovereign is all of a sudden a bumbling Mr. Burns rather than this sinister character that’s been slowly building for almost 2 years. It’s a bummer cuz this has been such a great run by King but it feels like it’s monkey poopin’ out as it swings to the finale. I just assume King like everyone who works at the Big Poo has been blackmailed into something, so whenever DC or Marvel wants something done or when they want to humiliate their writer to remind them who’s in charge they hold it over them. King must’ve fucked up big time. It’s the only valid explanation. Maybe that’s what this Monkey Detective is all about. When you fuck up at DC or don’t do their nefarious bidding after dark they send in the chimp. 4.5

 

Hey, it's a sunny day again in La La Land! Maybe I needed to slog through these comic book reviews to put them behind me so I can bask in the dawn of a new day of comic book goodness. Oy, my doggies are barking, guys relax it's just the frikkin' Amazon dude. Hmm, big box, what the hell is this? A Batman Puzzle??? When the hell did I order a Batman Puzzle?!?!?