October '24 Reading Round Up

 

Well, another election come and gone. One group is losing their minds while another group gloats. We’ve got meltdowns, sanctimonious finger pointing and doom and gloomers gloomily dooming and damning all of us. My reaction to all of this is…yeah, so what, DC and Marvel still suck wrinkly donkey scrotum.

Which got me to thinking - could there be a Comic Book Election??? Like, could the comic book masses finally be able to influence these corporate conglomerates to bend to their will? I get that these are privately owned companies but they deeply exist within the public sphere, shouldn’t there be more accountability rather than the effects seen on their bottom line when geeks say yuck to their titles? Consumers can always vote with their dollars but sometimes they’re too stupid to realize they keep voting for caca poop because they’re used to it.

It’s like pop vocalists. So many of them are auto tuned or can’t sing for shit yet when one comes out who can actually sing and hit a note or two everyone loses their minds simply because the bar has been set so low. That’s where we are with the Big Poo. The bar has been set so low that when a decent comic comes out everyone goes bonkers.

So what if the Comic Book Community came together - okay that will never happen but, what if it did - and collectively approached all the major comic book publishers and said:

‘From now on we are going to vote every four years for our feeling about the Head/CEO of all the major comic book publishers: Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse, Boom, IDW etc. If your approval rating dips below 33%, meaning 2 outta every 3 comic geeks thinks your comics suck, then you have to replace the head with somebody else otherwise we will collectively abstain from purchasing your comics’

A far fetched fantasy? Sure. Yet I would be interested to see a poll that is sent out to the comic book buying masses to see how they felt about all the publishers. Would they listen? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s no secret that the American Comic Book Market is in a free fall, perhaps a vote by those who care the most would crystallize the discontent to the point where there are shifts in leadership.

Then if the publishers ignored the will of the geeks the geeks could revolt and have the equivalent of a Boston Tea Party but instead of tossing tea over the bow of a ship the geeks could just be tossing comics out of their long boxes. Imagine a country just littered with comic books everywhere! Of course they would all be bagged and boarded because nobody would take the time to take them out of the bags and boards and eventually geeks would stop and rifle through all the piles of comics looking for gems and then the country would basically turn into one enormous garage sale of free comic books for everyone.

So, yeah, nothing would ever get done with the losers who might be running the comic book industry but hey, what a glorious day to celebrate where comic geeks are huddled over comics, stopping traffic everywhere while checking their apps for variant cover prices, we’d turn the entire country into one big local comic shop for a week. Here’s what I got into this past month:

 

 

I gave this a shot, because, I dunno, my pull was low? Yeah, no bueno. It reads like one of those cheap Penguin Paperbacks you used to get from the library when you were a kid from the Mystery aisle. A group of friends befriend a new adopted kid in grammar school who’s a cripple. Of course the cripple is the best of all that humanity has to offer and becomes a genius and a superhero because that’s what all people with handicaps do. He gets brutally murdered and of course the savvy sassy chick of the group is out to find who it is, and surprise surprise it’s probably one of the friends from their childhood. Whatever. Another dud from Image. Now excuse me while I pick up where I left off in my Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys Mystery ‘The Secret of the Silent Dating App’  6.2

 

 

 

 

 

If you love fantasy and literature and you’re not reading this comic then you’re truly missing out on an absolutely astounding series by Tom King. Wyndhorne may very well be his best work ever and Bilquis Ivey is fast becoming one of my favorite artists. The story is being so perfectly executed and paced that it’s hard to not get excited for every upcoming issue; that’s no small task these days. This issue in particular was riveting and the moment with the Helen's Elder Custodian Lady berating Helen's Grandfather for not loving Helen enough as he's forced to kill a dragon that appeared because of her wheedling was especially fun. Typical for an English broad to not be impressed enough with a Dragon to put a halt to her reprimand. I feel like English girls and Latinas would not let a dragon get in the way of telling you how wrong you are about everything. Curl up with a hot cup of tea and get lost in this magical story. 9.5

 

 

 

 

 

Saga has hit a wall. Seems like we’re in this loop of awkward pre-teen angst and growing pains mixed with somebody is convincing somebody to give up information on somebody so they can hunt them down and kill them. Actually, it’s a lot of: Tell me where this person with wings or horns or a retractable dick is! I don’t even know why anybody is being hunted down at this point. Is there still a war going on? I don’t know. What did they do again? I’ve forgotten. Where are they running to or where are they hiding out? No fucking clue. Again, Fiona Staples could illustrate Bazooka Joe comics and I would buy them up every day but this story is officially in Duds-ville. After one of the most scintillating 54 issues to mark the first half of this epic tale, the last 15 have been blah; it’s SaBlah. Hey, it happens to the best of them. Can BKV turn it around, well, duh. Yet this comic has dropped into ‘Monstress’ territory where I still buy it every month yet give it the stink eye. It’s a very stinky eye. 6.9

 

 

 

 

The classic “Frost Giant’s Daughter” story by Robert E. Howard is being tackled by the brilliant creative team behind the main Conan title. I’ve seen this story before in previous Conan iterations, the last great one was by Kurt Busiek and Cary Nord when Conan was at Dark Horse. The results here are of course spectacular, why would you expect anything less? Now that I’ve seen this tale a bunch it got me to thinking about it and, well, I think it’s basically a story about a bar fight. Check this out and tell me this isn’t the core plot of the Frost Giant’s Daughter:

 

So, there’s a huge bar fight and a bunch of burly dudes are beating the shit out of each other. The strongest dude wins and lays waste to all the other drunk losers. A hot Redhead at the bar who’s bored yet intrigued by the melee watches the whole thing and realizes, hmm, the Dude that won is actually a stud. She’s wearing hot pants and a crop top. She flirts with him a whole lot and obviously, after kicking all this ass, he’s up for some ass. She teases him and teases him to the point that he’s frothing at the mouth.

 

She then leaves the bar and gets in a cab. So does he. He tails her tail. Realizing she went a bit too far she has the cabby take her to her house in Queens. She’s texting her meathead brothers that a guy is following her. By the time she gets there they’re ready for him. The Dude finally shows up and the brothers are like ‘Yo, what the fuck, leave our Sis alone asshole’. They fight the Dude and the Dude kicks their ass as well. Now the redhead is freaking the fuck out, she screams for Daddy. Her pops pulls up in a Çadillac, cuz he's a Pimp like that, and scoops her up before the Dude knows what’s going on. He’s completely bewildered, like, WTF? Was this chick even real? Where did she go? He notices that there’s a business card on the ground, picks it up, reads it. It says – ‘For a Great Insurance Quote call Frosty’s Insurance’. I know, I’m good. 9.0

 

 

 

 

Without a doubt, this is the best Spider Man comic since, I dunno, McFarlane? I never read Spidey past the 80s or 90s, seemed like everything since then has been butt. Yeah, yeah, you’ll disagree and say this guy or that guy had a good run and I’ll say, a good run at being a butt comic. This just feels right. It feels like what a great Spidey comic should be. Hickman is masterfully handling all the elements to a tee and also, dare I say it, making it really fun. A Spidey comic should be fucking fun! My goodness! It’s rough out there, is it too much to ask to have a fun Spidey comic to read once a month?? I don’t know why and how Marvisney hasn’t fucked this up yet, oh wait, they did when they stuffed another artist and storyline in for two months at the beginning. Somebody find Hickman and put a security detail around him so Marvisney dipshits don’t mess with his flow. I will say that Hicksy did have a blunder during this issue. After Spidey belted the villain dude onto the street, he and Green Gobby call for an ambulance and an action heading then read ‘Minutes Later’. Umm, yeah, this is New York right? More like, ohh, an hour or so later. I think my head would’ve exploded if Hicksy drew in Flava Flav on the sidewalk and had him yell up from the street to Spidey and Gobs that ‘911 is a Joke’. 9.3

 

 

 

 

I think this wacky, throw a ridiculous off the wall premise at the ceiling and see if it sticks, comic is becoming one of the best titles that I’m reading right now. I didn’t think it had legs after the first two or three issues but it really turned a corner and now I’m totally invested in the Cowboy and the Samurai chick on a Zombie Island in purgatory. The fact that it’s also at Image guarantees that the creative team will be allowed to cook and won’t have meddlers in suits with unhealthy eating habits telling them what to do. In lesser hands this probably would have crashed and burned after 5 issues but with Duggan at the helm it’s being nicely simmered. Image’s website says ‘This series is stabby, shooty, and horny, and you know you need it’. Clearly that’s going to be my new bio for my dating app profile: I’m stabby, shooty and horny and you know you need me! I mean, that’s guaranteed to reel in at least a few pyscho goth actresses or a Social Media Manager/Creative Director who hates herself and is way taller than me. 8.7

 

 

 

 

Wait, what? We're getting a fourth issue of this??? No fucking way! Praise DSTLRY! I think this may be the first of the prestige formats that were locked into this inane '3 Issues a Series Max' mandate to extend to 4. Well, it's a long time coming and of all of the prestige format series currently going this is by far the best of them. It may actually be turning into one of my favorites of the year. What a perfect pairing between Tynion and Ward. I hope they become the new Waid & Samnee or Bendis & Maleev of the industry and keep churning out stories. This one in particular has been an absolute thrill to read while taking in Ward's otherworldly art work. Huge recommendation to pick this up. Also, is it me or do you the word DSTLRY and think it means Dusty Larry? I think that's what I'm going to call them from now on. Man, Dusty Larry has been putting out some uhhmayyyzing comic books this year. Go Larry! 9.8

 

 

That's all I got! Next month I'll be dropping my best of 2024. See you then...
 

September '24 Reading Round Up

 

 

 

I absolutely loved, and I mean truly loved, the original Joaquin Phoenix ‘Joker’ movie. I thought it was one of the best movies to have graced our screens in the past several years. It transcended the traditional comic book flick. Phoenix deserved every accolade and award that came his way; his performance was that good. Couple that movie with Reeves’ ‘The Batman’ which I thought was also quite good despite a plot that went off the rails, and I thought we were in for a new golden age of Batman movies. Pattison’s Batman was surprisingly great and Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman was a wham bam knockout. Of course they teased some other dude as the Joker at the end of  ‘The Batman’ but that’s easily corrected had they decided to unite the two movies under one umbrella later.

 

Yet there was nothing really that developed about the two alt-universes becoming one and then the chatter started about this Joker Sequel being turned into a musical with Lady Ra Ma Ma Ma as Harley. Now, I’m actually a big musical guy, love ‘em. Yup. I’m one of those guys that raved about the movie La La Land and cried during Les Miz with Wolverine as Jean Valjean and Anne Hathaway as a blubbering teary eyed Fantine. Needless to say, I was amped up for this new Joker movie.

 

And…well, haven’t seen it yet hahahaha. I mean, wow, the reviews are fucking brutal dude. Holy Thumbs Down Batman! It’s being torn apart across the board by everyone. I mean, if it was a mixed bag of good and bad I’d dismiss the bad press and go, yet this is a resounding bleccch from the world. That doesn’t mean I still won’t love it, but it does mean I can wait until it gets to streaming to cry and sputter like a baby in the comfort of my own home with my own homemade organic popcorn with pauses for doggie pee breaks.

 

It’s a shame how far hero movies have fallen. I’m about to dive into the Deadpool Wolvy flick, yet I’m not really a fan of either of those characters. I vividly remember when Tim Burton’s first Batman came out and what a historical event that was. Now, hero movies are as common as bat shit crazy social media reels except they come with 200 million dollar price tags. What’s the solution? Well, easy, stop making them! Seriously. Give the world a break, like, take 3-4 years off and come back with something special. Put the Comic Book movie and TV Show for that matter on a time out and develop the characters in their monthlies more. Will that happen? Duh, of course not, the studios are face planting their noses into comic book IP like it’s a mound of coke on their desks. Hopefully for our sake the recent spate of complete and utter bombs will at least temper the release schedule.

 

 

 

Another idea is to send in a violent Venezuelan gang into Marvisney and DC with the goal of having both of them forced to release all rights of everything comic book related to Titan Comics since they’re clearly the best comic book publisher right now. Oh I kid I kid. Here’s what I got into last month:   

 

 

 

What a majestic finale this was. Seriously, this is why you stick with stories penned by creators like Juni Ba, you have to trust that they’re ultimately going to deliver and deliver he did. I was underwhelmed by the first couple of issues of this mini-series but things took a turn at the halfway point where you could tell that Juni had designs on making this great. For the first time, I feel like I actual know who’s who in the Bat Universe as far as all the Robins, Wings, Thighs and Hoods are concerned. Not only that, I understand their dynamics. Ba’s spectacular visual style was a given going into this yet he truly elevated this tale into a familial drama that transcended the hero genre. He twisted the ending into something that landed not only in the world at large but in your life as well. A star is born. I don’t give many of these out but it is well deserved  10.0

 

I’ve run out of superlatives to describe this series. I mean, I could just copy and paste a shitload of adjectives but even then it wouldn’t measure up to how great this series has been. Actually, it’s not just this series. I’m going to lump in the entire Conan experience that Titan is currently bringing to the comic book world at large. Without a doubt, Titan’s Hyborian Age is the Golden Age for Conan fans and fans that don’t even know they’re Conan fans yet. The current issue is another take of the Frost Giant story that I’ve read a bunch of times before but it’s somehow new all over again in the hands of this creative team. I wasn’t over the moon for Braithwaite’s art in his first run of issues of this title but this time around his work is the perfect fit for the snowy climes of the Vanir and the Aesir. Grab these books and treat yourself. 9.6

 

Ooh, even more Conan!

 

Hey Marvisney and Dee Cee Ya Later, this is how you do a frikkin’ crossover event through a bunch of titles. Now granted, Titan doesn’t have 500 books on the stands yet, but Jim Zub has masterfully woven (notice the term woven) this through line of a Dark Evil Black Stone that affects multiple characters through multiple eras and books. Getting everything needed for this storyline won’t even come close to breaking the bank. If you’ve been reading their Conan title since it first released you’re already halfway there! Also, something that’s really cool is that they’re including a Novel as part of the crossover event, how cool is that? Growing up I remember reading and collecting all of those Conan paperback books that I used to see in bookstores or in cardboard boxes at garage sales. Again, I cannot say enough about how fantastic a job Titan is doing with this historical character. My goodness, just, please find a way to get every character out of Marvel and DC’s clutches somehow! Can you imagine what Titan could do for every comic book hero if given the chance??? 8.8

 

 

Saga has turned into a beautiful woman without a spark. You know what I’m talking about? You’re in a long term relationship with this gorgeous girl. She checks all the boxes. There’s no conflicts, no fights, by all accounts you’re fine. Yet something’s missing. That fire is gone. Sure, looks will fade and beauty isn’t everything but she was more than just beauty, she was smart, insightful, adventurous, spontaneous; now all of those qualities seems to have faded away. There’s no way you could ever think of dumping her but man, it’s rough. You try different things but nothing seems to change the fact that your relationship is stagnant and stale despite the fact that there’s a talking spider in the house with a punk haircut. Welcome to Saga in 2024. 7.5

 

 

 

Well, I didn’t have ‘Samurai Chick saves Cowboy from being anally raped by members of an army that are fighting zombies on an island of purgatory between life and death’ on my 2024 Bingo card, did you? This was a pivotal issue for me since I thought the first two were a little heavy on the violence and less on the relationships. Yet Duggan & Co have paced this perfectly and have set up the next installments to really let this romance unfold between two very unlikely characters. Sometimes a premise is so bonkers it takes your logical mind out of the equation and makes you deal with the creation as it is presented to you; this is one of those times. I’m looking forward to seeing how love can bloom on Zombie Island. 8.1

 

 

 

I ponied up and got the pricey David Mack variant cover for Lemire's new series 'Minor Arcana'. Ain't it purty? It kind of threw me for a loop. It was sitting there front and center on my comic book rack for weeks and when I finally picked it up to read, the jagged water color Lemire linework made me do a double take. I was wrongfully expecting more Mack. It’s like going on a date with a Babe who’s make-up is perfect and dressed to the 9s and you find out she loves the band Rancid, curses like a sailor (do sailors curse as much as they used to) and eats nothing but crappy fast food. Anyway, a girl returns home to her small town from the city to take care of her ailing Mom and is forced to take over her cheap Psychic business and all wacky weird Lemire-ness ensues. Just take my money. 8.6

 

Another 6 issues that crush your comic book geek soul and now another Monstress hiatus. I’m pretty sure they’ve outsourced this to scientific labs or advanced AI to figure out how long they can go with a chunk of issues before they cause the 13 readers that are left reading this comic to say 'that’s enough' and drop the title from their pull. Clearly Image is funding this as a social experiment. Truth be told a lot of what is coming out of Image these days is kinda p to the oop so maybe Kirkman has been compromised or kidnapped and replaced with an evil clone the same way that Marj Liu has. I seriously can’t anymore with this book. The plot has been muddied so much it’s turned to sludge. This comic is a prime example of how not to introduce so many characters to a story that your audience forgets who the fuck is who. Like seriously, there’s so many wolves, foxes, snakes, cats, tigers and wrinkly insane old women in this fucking story I lost track back in 2021 and it’s turned into a mish mosh of knowing looks and menacing glares. If I don’t see ‘Final Arc’ in their solicits next year I’m, I’m gonna have to have an comic book intervention so I don’t add this to my pull like a drug addled meth addict in a trailer park. 3.0

 

 

 Another fun fun issue by Hickman and co. I will say though, I think Hickman has his Borough Villains a bit wrong. Kraven should most definitely be the Head of Brooklyn not Staten Island. He’s Russian, big Russian pop in Brooklyn. He wears Cheetah Print leggings which is like a fashion staple for Brooklyn Babes. I could see Kraven rifling through some spots on Nostrand or Flatbush looking to complement his get-up and then getting all hyped up over the huge animal print selection. Mysterio is forrrr surrrre the Staten Island head. Why? Obviously since there’s a circular smoky space helmet on him you’d never know which of the Wu Tang clan is taking over the Mysterio persona at any given moment. I had to reread the scene with Mysterio in this issue but I think it’s either Inspektah Deck or Ghostface Killer. Just a hunch. 8.5

 

That's all I got! Thanks for popping by and happy comic booking.

WONDER WOMAN #11-12 - Review & Evisceration

 

 

What the actual Eff to the Uck? Are you kidding me??? What is this tripe? What in William Moulton’s name is going on here??? Dude. Eff you DC. Like, seriously. Thanks but no thanks for taking a monumental dump on this comic book. A comic book that I was actually enjoying for the first time in almost a decade thanks to Tom King who was working on a solid narrative. A narrative that paired wonderfully with Daniel Sampere’s stunning art that was bringing this title back to readable and pull-able on a monthly basis.

 

I knew I was in trouble once I saw ‘Tie-In’ in the solicits. I didn’t think it would be too bad. I figured I’d have to endure a few pages of WTF that tracked to a crossover event I had zero interest in. Nope. Nothing could be further from the truth. This entire issue was hijacked by this Absolute Power bullshit. They said it was a tie-in. It was more like a tie-up. Actually no, it was more like a Tie Down on the floor with some dominatrix industry grade twine and the heel of a Stiletto in your nostril.

 

 

Right from page one it was a poop show: A poker game in the Watergate Hotel with Dubz, some, I dunno non-descript characters, Zatanna (I think), John Constantine (who I can’t stand) and, what the fuck is this? A monkey in a Sherlock Holmes outfit? Jeez. Like, how much of a coke and tranq addiction do the suits of DC have?

 

 

Let’s get something straight comic book making people. You are NOT allowed to have anthropomorphic characters anymore. That’s right. If you’re making a comic book that is off limits. The only comic that gets to use Anthropomorphic characters is Saga. Sah-Guh. They have monopolized that market, cornered the industry and staked their claim on that entire story device. Saga can do anything they want with that. A Panda Bear with a Tit on it’s ear. An Elephant dressed up like Wyatt Earp that has two butts and shoots naked Anime Babes out of its pistols. A Ferrett Pimp with three dicks that resembles Burt Reynolds; whatever they want! So if you think it’s cheeky to give me Detective Chimp playing poker, it’s not. 

 

I want to be clear that I do not blame Tom King for any of this. This is the DC Suits dressed as Furries with cutouts for their bungholes barging into Tom King's home and demanding he write the Watergate Poker Game that Zaslav dreamed up while taking orders from Klaus Schwab in Geneva.

 

My goodness, what the hell is going on in this comic? Shazam appears out of nowhere, an Iron Man looking flying robot with Elf Ears bursts through the hotel window of the poker game. Wait, why is it in the Watergate? Like, is this a commentary or something about, what? Scandal. Corruption. Government Shenanigans? Tricky Dicks? A Doctor Doom looking rip off without the Doom is flying around and – I can’t. I’m flipping through this comic like it’s a tattered ‘Creepshow’ comic without a cover in a 5 cent bin at a Garage Sale. This is not even close to being readable.

 

The low point of the entire DC Comics Publishing History may actually be this panel.

 

 

 

Like, Chimplock Holmes has had enough and he’s ready to take down the flying Elf Robot! Yeah, man, give it that Ooo Ooo Ooo War Cry! This is like my Ten Pound Terrier on her leash getting all worked up at a hundred pound Pit Bull while she’s on her walk; settle down babe, you’re as big as that thing’s head. I think DC Suits are back to doing acid again. It’s the only explanation I can think of as to why their non Black Label line has become so pooptastic. Like, clearly Marvel dudes like Lee, Kirby and Co. were high as a kite in the Sixties when they were pumping out comics. Yet they were obviously on Marijuana. Their stories were totally a:

 

 ‘Dude, wouldn’t it be wild if so and so did so and so and went into space and there’s like this other Space Dude doing Space things and they, like, Dude, meet another Space Dude who radiates him and turns him into a Super Space Dude and then takes him to another Dimension?’

 

Then they would laugh for several hours and make the comic. DC creators were clearly on psychedelics. They were seeing rainbows and technicolor animals goofily dancing in bubblegum panels with their goofy hero premises. You couldn’t really take DC seriously until Frank Miller wrote ‘The Dark Knight Returns’, then it was, ohh shit, wait a minute, is DC cool? But, yeah, I think DC is doing Plastic Man Acid Tabs again.

 

And who is this Amanda Waller chick? Is she the Elf Robot? I have no fucking idea, I had to CIA Data Suck/Google it. This is what they told me:

 

Though lacking superpowers, Amanda Waller is often portrayed as a ruthless, high-ranking government official who uses guile, political connections, and intimidation to achieve her goals, often in the name of national security.

 

So she’s Kamala Harris? I think if they just went with the actual Word Salad Kamala you’d have a winner of a crossover event. Maybe then DC could be unburdened by what has been, Lord knows they got burdens, lots of fucking burdens. I also would be down if the Absolute Power villain was called the Cackler, another Kamala type hero. Then the enraged psychopathic Chimp attack would make a lot more sense. I mean, could anything be more sinister and diabolical then Wonder Woman giving her best punch to the Cackler and then seeing this:

 

 

 

Another fucked up thing DC did is they came out with all these cool Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez Variant Covers that just haaaappened to be ready for the month that this crossover BS would hit the Dubz title along with every other main DC title.

 

 

Admittedly these throwback covers were fantastic and fun, I totally bit. So this dope cover is sitting in my comic rack for a while just giving me ‘You’re gonna love this’ vibes until of course I opened it and psychedelic vomit poured all over my living room. You had to figure they knew the insides were diseased so they pulled out these covers that were probably sitting around for a Defcon 1 situation such as this.

 

So I tossed this issue into my closet, like people toss traumatic events into the dark recesses of their psyche and turned to the next issue to – wait, what? Another fucking Heel in my Nostril Tie Down? There’s another entire issue full of this Absolute Poop Fest! Dude! What happened to continuity??? You had a great set up at the end of Issue 10, I’m all excited for what comes next then you ram a jagged razor in my ass and say spend $10 on two months worth of excrement! Look at this junk:

 

 

Now Damian/Robin is at a table with Dubz! Is this a new motif? Let’s put heroes in normal situations like tables and cafes and coffee shops? Look, if I’m a waiter and these Mofos walk into my Steakhouse and it’s not anywhere near Halloween I’m bolting out the fucking door. First of all, do you see any pockets on Dubz and Dame? No, no you don’t. Where’s their fucking money? Who’s paying for their steak tartare and oyster shooters? The Dude in the Trench? Who is the Dude in the Trench and how much has he spent on OnlyFans in the past week? 10, 20 thousand? I have no fucking idea who he is nor do I care. A few panels before the steakhouse scene he was doing this:

 

 

 

That’s exactly my reaction when I realized I dropped $5 for swill. My fancy chocolate bars that I get at Whole Foods cost $5. I could be gnawing on some amazing dark chocolate and raising my testosterone levels but no, I’m ingesting the fetid moronic thoughts of the dipshits who run the comic book arm of this media conglomerate that is sinking faster than Katy Perry’s Insta views.

 

 

Wait a minute, is there another one of these??? DUDE. Issue #13 is ALSO more of this Kamala garbage! Wait a minute, look at this, there’s 39 fucking issues that tie in to this cross it off your pull list event. 39! The losers at Warner Discovery want normal honest comic book loving geeks like you and me to drop 200 Bucks in a shit economy on this pathetic marketing angle. Warner Discovery is hemorrhaging money as their business model completely falls the fuck apart. I bet Zaslav took a break from dining on children in his Executive Suite to run into the DC Editor meeting and demand that heroes eat at tables like the rest of us eat!

 

Look at their stock price! Eight bucks a share, what a joke! It used to be $50. That’s what will happen to this comic book. It costs $5 today. In a few years it’ll be worth 75 cents on a ‘Make Me an Offer’ eBay page. Your stock price costs less than a 1:50 comic book shop exclusive variant from a shop that nobody has ever heard of or will ever visit, what with its inflated price based on nothing but manufactured artificial scarcity.

 

Wait, there’s some character in this series called Elongated Man? Elongated Man??? Does he use a Penis Pump? Is he called Penis Pump man in your perverted DC editorial meetings and then you changed it to Elongated Man to skate under the censors? How fucking high are you people? Did Pfizer pop into a meeting and urge you to drop a subliminal character on horny comic geeks all over the world? Are the Pfizer reps blotto also? Does some DC Comics Intern have to drop 25 pounds of coke onto the floor and line it from the elevator to Zaslav’s office? I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

 

 

I happily pick up poop every day from my little Princess. I love her with all my heart. If you’re dead set on smearing your titles with poop I wanna let you know that I’m here to help. Clearly my Princess’s poop is an upgrade over your story lines, just tell me where to send it. I’ll do it on one condition. That you change the name of this tie in event to Absolute Poop. I can hear the cackling in the air. It’s a hearty cackle. You’re welcome.

 

Rating: 1.0

Verdict: Unburden yourself from this Event.

POWER FANTASY #1 - Review

 

 

I don’t know what social media is anymore. It’s not social, I mean, I rarely if ever see anybody that I’m connected to online; well, at least not in person. Besides that, I’m not sure if it’s technically media. Media is broadly defined as either information or as a way to communicate. I don’t think I’m getting either of that, I’m just getting clips. Clips of shit that, I dunno, might be funny, might be interesting, might make me wonder what they’re like naked, but that’s it. Nobody’s trying to communicate with me or deliver pertinent information. In fact, I would say the entire social media landscape is just a bouillabaisse of randomness designed to inculcate you with ads while shaving years off of your life so that you’re not contributing to the death of a dying planet; at least that’s what the climate cultists would say.

 

Yeah, not a fan, and yet, I probably spend an hour or so on it a day. During my travels through the cyber lands of nonsensical poop I find myself bemused that the algorithm thinks it knows me pretty well by dumping tailored caca in front of my squinting eyes. Well, it did get me recently.  I don’t know why but it began showing me these David Portnoy reels where this Barstool Sports guy, who I’d never heard of before, reviews cheese pizza pies from places all over the country. His signature line is ‘One bite, everybody knows the Rules’. He then gnaws and gnashes at a slice with a couple bites at the top of the slice and one or two at the crust. Clearly this is a direct violation of the ‘One Bite’ slogan since reviews don’t take place after 4 or maybe 5 bites. Sometimes he goes to a second slice, so maybe it's one bite then I go nom nom nom. I wonder if he does this with his dates ‘One piece of clothing off, nothing else, we both know the rules’ and then he proceeds to strip them naked in less than a minute. Anyway, his reviews are brutally honest and he rarely gives anyone over an 8.5.

 

 

 

I now watch these fucking reviews daily. They’re always in my feed. Why do I watch them? I have no idea. Maybe there’s the curiosity about the score, maybe there’s some indirect satisfaction gleaned from watching somebody eat a slice that I’m unable to. Maybe I like guessing the scores. In fact, I’ve seen so many of these reviews that I’ve become eerily accurate in predicting his scores. Once he opens up that pizza box and lifts a slice out I’m like ‘Oh, that’s a 6.8 tops’ or ‘Hmm, that’s got too much of a flop but it’s got a nice under carriage, I bet he goes 8.1 with this’. Yup, that’s my life. Thanks Social Fucking Media!

 

 

I say all of this because the title to this review of this comic book should be called ‘One Page, Everybody Knows the Rules’. It took one page, just one page for me to read and I knew this comic was going to suck donkey scrotum. Why? Look at these two pretentious dipshits eating Pizza outside of a pizza shop in New York. 

 

 

 

Completely unrealistic, this would never happen. The author is clearly not from New York and clearly has no clue about anything in regards to pizza. Maybe he should watch some undercarriages and flops in El Presidente’s reels to get an idea.

 

People don’t buy a single slice from a Pizza shop, walk outside of the Pizza shop, and then stand there without a paper plate or anything and just talk to each other. This is some contrived bullshit. I don’t care if they have superpowers. If they did then they should levitate the slices while they chat, that would be more believable. I mean look at this gorgeous thick thighed Boricua holding her slice walking around:

 

No self respecting bomb ass Latina Babe from the city would everrrr hold a slice like that, and walk around barefoot on the streets like an armpit haired hippie chick from Kansas; holding it in front of her without a bite yet, like it’s a boomerang. You get a slice, it’s put on a plate or on a plate and in a paper bag, you take the fucking thing out, sprinkle cheese and red pepper over it, and bite into it either before or right after you leave the shop. This dude looks like a fucking uptight economics student that just transferred from Harvard or Yale to Fairleigh Dickinson because he was caught up in some sex scandal with a professor. Then these two completely unrealistic characters just walk into the street, there’s no traffic, holding their slices, no flop, like they’re holding a slice in a Domino's commercial where the product placement guy from the Ad Agency is from Iowa.

 

 

 

This such a fucking insult to pizza eaters all over the world. Kieron Gillen, dude, what the fuck. Where are you from? Britain! Now it all makes sense. Look at this guy:

 

 

Yeah, I don’t wanna buy comics from a guy who looks like this. This is a guy who was a Barista when he was in High School and who happily spelled your name wrong on the coffee cup on purpose. He’s the kind of guy who will flick a booger into your latte and then hand it to you with a smile. He’s probably ratting out people for social media posts in England while wandering the streets in Fetish Gear. Dude, stay away from New York. Put these losers in Liverpool or wherever and have them walking around eating Bread Pudding with a pint balanced on their heads.

 

There’s some cockamamie plot about, I dunno, pseudo X-Men posturing against each other. Then there’s this douchebag...

 

 

He’s like the most powerful of them all, yeah right. Look at this fucking guy. He’s one of those crypto assholes who thinks he’s a DJ and spends most of his time in a villa in Ibiza on Molly while banging underage locals. Maybe this is what the author’s ex looked like. I can see that. I can see him trying to get back in his good graces ‘Honey I just made you the baddie in my comic bookie, come back to daddy’s man poon’.

 

Then there’s this whole sequence where the D-Bag DJ kills the President of the United States and everybody in his War Room. Umm, maybe that’s a little too on the nose there KG what with the recent events in the US. Is this what you mean by Power Fantasy? I’m not trying to be political here but whatever mess we have in our country is our fucking mess. If you want to kill a politician, do it in your own backyard otherwise it feels really yucky coming from a sour puss looking bloke like yourself.

 

This reminds me of Mark Millar’s recent series ‘The Ambassadors’ which also wasn’t very good. Similar theme, there’s 6 powerful people all over the world who can change the world, blah blah blah. When you go to Millar’s personal site and click on ‘Comics’ this book is nowhere to be found so he probably thinks it’s as poopy as I do. Generally speaking, if you’re going to introduce heroes or people with extraordinary abilities you better make sure they’re really really strong and developed characters with specific traits. Making them look different doesn’t mean anything. So what? You did some woke casting on the heroes, big whoop. I don’t care what they look like or what they can do or what their preference for smooching is. Are. They. Interesting? The verdict here is, no, no they’re not. If you can’t tell that by the pages before you then, oh well, enjoy an overhyped yawnfest of a book.

 

I will say this: Casper Wijngaard’s art is wonderful to look at and of course Clayton Cowles’ lettering is perfect as always.

 

I’d like to bring back Dave Portnoy’s Pizza Review format for the final punctuation mark on this poop fest. So let’s assume this comic is a slice of pizza. One Issue every body knows the Rules: Flip Flip Flip Flip Toss. Frankie, what the fuck was this? I’m going low Frankie real low. Looks good. No flop on the art or the letter carriage. The plot is a bit doughy. I’m going 5.1

 

 

RATING: 5.1

VERDICT: Drop the Flop